


The Killing Moon

by mooninthewoods



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Gay Sirius Black, Gryffindor, Hogwarts, Hogwarts Fifth Year, Hogwarts Seventh Year, Hogwarts Sixth Year, James Potter is a Good Friend, James and Regulus, M/M, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), Peter Pettigrew is a rat, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Remus Lupin is So Done, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Sirius Black is Lord Black, Sirius Black is a Little Shit, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin Fluff, The Marauder's Map, Walburga Black's A+ Parenting, walburga black is a bitch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:15:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 53,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28686219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooninthewoods/pseuds/mooninthewoods
Summary: Wolfstar fanfiction from fifth to seventh year (and a little bit more)Lowkey slow burnIn process!
Relationships: Hope Lupin & Remus Lupin, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Regulus Black & Death Eater Characters, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black & Black Family, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin & Peter Pettigrew & James Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin/James Potter, death eaters - Relationship
Comments: 37
Kudos: 139





	1. The Killing Moon

Under a blue moon I saw you  
So soon you'll take me  
Up in your arms  
Too late to beg you or cancel it  
Though I know it must be the killing time  
Unwillingly mine

Fate  
Up against your will  
Through the thick and thin  
He will wait until  
You give yourself to him

In starlit nights I saw you  
So cruelly you kissed me  
Your lips a magic world  
Your sky all hung with jewels  
The killing moon  
Will come too soon

Fate  
Up against your will  
Through the thick and thin  
He will wait until  
You give yourself to him

Under a blue moon I saw you  
So soon you'll take me  
Up in your arms  
Too late to beg you or cancel it  
Though I know it must be the killing time  
Unwillingly mine

Fate  
Up against your will  
Through the thick and thin  
He will wait until  
You give yourself to him

Fate  
Up against your will  
Through the thick and thin  
He will wait until  
You give yourself to him  
You give yourself to him

Fate  
Up against your will  
Through the thick and thin  
He will wait until  
You give yourself to him  
You give yourself to him

Fate  
Up against your will  
Through the thick and thin  
He will wait until  
You give yourself to him

Fate  
Up against your will  
Through the thick and thin  
He will wait until  
You give yourself to him

La la la la la

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is "The Killing Moon" by Echo & the Bunnymen. It's the one that inspired the title and will continue to appear later on... :) the songs really good...


	2. Fantastic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh her words how they hurt me  
> I'll never forget it

“Sirius, please. We have one more day just don’t make them angry” Regulus Black told his older brother, in the corridor next to the dining room. 

“Reggie…” 

“No, don’t Reggie me. Make it through one dinner, it won’t kill you to shut up once in a while.” Regulus snapped, after two months of seeing his parents abuse Sirius, his patience with both of them, was wearing thin. “Please? Sirius, I’m just looking out for you.” He said, in a soft voice now. He ran his hands through his hair harshly, which Sirius had notice he’d begun doing out of stress. 

“I can look out for myself Reg, stop worrying about me so much… I’m fine, it’s all fine”. The truth was that, nothing was fine, and Sirius was not fine at all. The summer of 1975 had been the worst one in the history of Sirius Black’s life. He was milliseconds away from completely loosing it. Sirius held his younger brother by the shoulders, trying to make him understand. Trying to make him believe unbelievable things. 

“Wanker, you’re going to grow a big nose with all those stupid lies. I'm not daft” Regulus said, laughing a bit at his brother. Sirius had begun lending muggle books to Regulus, one of his favorites was the one of a weird puppet that grew it’s nose with lies…or something like that. 

Regulus dragged Sirius to the dinner table. They both bowed their heads at their already sat parents. Sirius always bowed lower and more dramatically than needed, sometimes even mocking a throw up position. 

“Walburga, Orion, such a pleasure to see you today. How is the weather?” Sirius asked, imitating the voice that he heard his father use on ‘colleagues’. Both of them ignored Sirius. Regulus kicked him underneath the table. “Just trying to be civilized, looks like I might have to try the caveman method next”

“Sirius quiet!” Walburga said, her voice was cold as ice, and no matter what she said she always sent a shiver of fear down Sirius’ back. 

They ate their first course in utter silence. Sirius glancing at Regulus and trying to get him to glance back. He was bored out of his mind. When the main dish arrived, so did the Daily Prophet, and with it a conversation…finally. 

“Walburga look at this! Completely unacceptable, these pieces of absolute scum!” Orion roared, making the pieces of cutlery shake. Sirius involuntarily flinched. A little house elf passed the piece of newspaper to Walburga. She scanned the page, her eyes sharp like daggers. 

“It’s disgusting to think our government is in the hands of mudbloods. Don’t worry, soon the Dark Lord will fix all of this, before its too late.” She said nodding her head at the print. She then passed it to Regulus, who took it cautiously and read it. 

“Oh!” he said, in an attempt to cover up his lack of interest. He passed the paper to Sirius, without thinking about the possible outcomes of that simple action. 

“Melinda Welch admitted as head of the Department of Magic Law Enforcement and Department of International Magical Cooperation.” Sirius read, eyes looking at a perfectly normal Sunday paper. “The Muggle-born witch of thirty-seven, is the first to achieve head of department in two important positions. Beating four pureblood candidates.” Sirius couldn’t help but smile at that. A muggle born in that position was like a punch in the face, to his parents. 

“Bloody fantastic!” Sirius said, before he could stop himself. If he’d been a house elf, he’d have to bump his head against a wall for hours. Regulus’ blue eyes widen. 

“Sirius what did you just say?” Orion’s voice was menacing. For a second, Sirius contemplated being submissive, but of course he wouldn’t. Who was Sirius Black, if not a rebellious domineering teenager? 

“I said it was fucking fantastic! A muggle born in office, fantastic! Finally, no more supremacist pussy shit!” Sirius said, dramatically standing up. 

“SIRIUS! One more word and-!” Walburga yelled. Regulus eyes begun to tear up, even if he would never let any tears out in front of family. He hated the screams, he hated seeing Sirius hurt, he hated his parents’ opinions, he hated Sirius for not lying low once in a while, he hated being the youngest, and most of all, he hated being so afraid of doing anything to intervene. 

“FAN-TAS-TIC!” Sirius said, his voice steadier than it had ever been. 

Regulus realized that this was what made Sirius a Gryffindor. Being stupidly brave. He would never do something so mindless. 

“CRUCIO!” Walburga yelled, before Sirius could say or think another word. It all happened so unexpectedly quick, that when the curse hit him, Sirius still had a wide smile on his face. 

The curse hurt, so deeply, so much. It was everywhere. Sirius no longer had a body, he just had pain. It was just a bunch of white noise, it hurt so much that he couldn’t think, couldn’t do anything at all. Regulus heard his brother scream his throat raw, until the screams did not leave his throat. He wanted to do something, anything. He eyed his father but was too afraid to say anything. He wanted to hide, to cover his ears, but the both of them were watching him, and he could do nothing at all 

The only thing that hurt more than the actual physical pain of the curse, was the knowledge that his own mother would want to hurt him like that. Sirius knew that spell required hate, it required loathing. His mother was using it as a simple transfiguration curse. That pain would never cease.


	3. Back to Hogwarts

“Where are they?” James asked worriedly to Peter. He’d been worrying all summer for Remus and Sirius. It was normal for Remus to disappear for a few weeks, he often felt like if he stuck to people too much, they would get sick of him. Even though this friends would never, ever get bored of him. 

“Dunno” Peter said nonchalantly, he was putting all his focus on finding a piece of parchment in his bag. 

“Peter! How can you be so calm!” James snapped. 

“Oi! Don’t yell at me for trying to remain calm!” The truth was that, Peter had a lot of things going on in his life. He was too involved in himself to think about all of the bad things that his two friends could’ve been through in the summer. He was the best at keeping secrets, even though most people thought it was Remus. He had mastered the ability to hide all of his emotions and show people only what he wanted them to see. Like the true Gemini he was. 

“Fine!” James yelled. He only ever got angry at other people when he was feeling helpless. 

“They’ll be here soon, what’s the worse that could happen to them, James? You worry too much.” Peter said, resuming his search for the parchment. 

“I don’t ‘worry too much’, I care!”

In that moment the compartment door slid open. A three inch taller Remus John Lupin entered. Apart from his height, he had three long vicious scars across his face. He was wearing a deep red jumper, jeans and white converses. His hair was lighter than usual, as if he’d spent a lot of time beneath the sun. He stood there awkwardly, looking down at the floor. 

“See there he is, in one piece, you lunatic!” Peter said, pointing at Remus and staring at James. 

“You idiot! How dare you not answer my owls” He hit Remus playfully on the arm. “I missed you! I was worried!” He hugged Remus again. 

“Ow” Remus muttered. James put his entire heart and soul in his hugs, that caused whoever was receiving them, to feel their ribs break and their hearts burst. “Sorry… my dad wanted us to go to the coast. Forgot to tell you about that” Remus said. He’d had an abnormally okay summer. Lyall and Hope had taken him to Isle of Wight, for a few weeks. There he’d had the most peace he’d ever felt, and experienced a severe case of homesickness for his friends. “Sorry, didn’t want to bother you” James hit him again. They sat back down. 

“Where’s Sirius?” Remus asked quickly, before someone mentioned his new collection of scars. 

“Don’t know” James said and Peter nodded. Remus furrowed his eyebrows and slouched.

“Ten more minutes” Remus offered, looking at his watch. The train was leaving soon. 

“He’ll be here” 

Eight minutes passed and Sirius Black was nowhere to be found. Remus started anxiously bouncing his leg, he stood up and sat back down multiple times, not being able to sit still. Peter looked out the window every three seconds, and James was breathing shakily. 

“Who died?” A smirking Sirius Black opened the compartment door. He was wearing a black sweater, with a Gryffindor scarf. His jet black hair fell royally on his shoulders. 

“Oh my God!” Remus said, throwing himself at Sirius. James and Peter joined him for a group hug. 

“Why where you so late? James here almost collapsed, and Moony was making me dizzy” Peter said, sighing with relief as they sat down. 

“I’m not late, you all are just extremely punctual” Sirius said shrugging. 

“You’re the queen of punctuality Sirius, may I remind you” James said. Sirius moved a hand dismissively. 

Remus had fallen abnormally quiet. He smelt it, he smelt it everywhere. The full moon was due in a couple of days, and his censes where heightened. He smelt more than a dozen wounds on Sirius. Everywhere. There was blood, and there was magic. Someone…Walburga had cursed him. Cursed him badly. Remus usually got a scent of what magic had been used, but this time he couldn’t recognize the spell. It was…wrong. It felt wicked. His heart sank, for once, he wasn’t the only person returning to Hogwarts with an immense amount of scars and wounds. 

☾☾☾

“James…James… Jamesey” Sirius whispered in the middle of the night. It was the first night back at Hogwarts, and even though he finally felt safe, he couldn’t stop the nightmares. He hadn’t slept properly since his mother used that curse on him, two nights ago. His entire body still felt on fire, and even thinking hurt. The reason that he’d taken so long to get to the platform, was that he was tired. He was so tired. James awoke with a jolt. 

“Yeah? Are you okay?” He said, with a raspy morning voice. 

“Can I sleep with you…nightmares” Sirius felt stupid saying that, but he knew he shouldn’t. If there was someone who wouldn’t judge him, it was James. 

“Yeah, yeah, of course” James said, making space for his friend. 

“Sorry” 

“Don’t apologize”

Sirius crawled into the bed and tried not to invade much of James’ space. It was easier doing this when they where twelve. Immediately, James put an arm around Sirius, mumbled something about his hair smelling like strawberries, and fell asleep. 

Sirius laid awake, trying to calm down his adrenaline filled heart, and his haunted mind. He wondered if he would ever feel the way he’d felt before the curse. His eyes filled with tears, so he snuggled against James and closed his eyes, praying for a good dream.


	4. Cruciatus Healing

On his way to lunch, Sirius found himself being dragged into an empty classroom by an unknown hand. He stumbled on his feet and is met by a stern looking Remus Lupin. 

“Moony!” Sirius said, smiling. His heart racing a little, could he know about the scars? Could he smell the blood? Sirius knew these where all very probable things, and from the moment he stepped into the Hogwarts Express, he’d been worrying. 

“You should go to Pomfrey” Remus said, arms crossed. He still didn’t know what the curse was, but he knew Sirius wasn’t healing fast enough. 

“Why? I'm in perfect health” Sirius said, doing a kind of pirouette as if to prove it. He regretted it instantly, as the dizziness took over.

“Sirius, I don’t know what happened, but I know it was bad. I can smell it”

“Moony, I’m fine, I swear” 

“What happened?” Remus asked, and something about the way his eyes where filled with heartache, made a lump in Sirius’ throat. Remus had known that Sirius’ house wasn’t exactly the best place, but he hadn’t known things like that where happening. He hadn’t known Walburga was using seriously dark magic on her son. 

“Talked a bit out of place. It wasn’t so bad, I saw it coming” Sirius said, sitting on a desk, and avoiding too much eye contact. 

“What curse did she use” 

“She had two months… used a whole bunch” Sirius said laughing humorlessly, he cleared his throat and pretended to shrug it off. 

“Sirius… I’m so sor-.” 

“Don’t say you’re sorry, there’s nothing you could do” Sirius interrupted with a small smile. 

“The curse is still on you… I can smell it, or feel it, or something, I just know” Remus said. The scent was very faint, fainter than cologne, but it was there. “You should go Pomfrey” 

“I can’t!”

“Just tell her that I did it, accidentally or something, I don’t care about detention”

“Moony no! She would know what curse it was” 

“And? You need help! It’s just a curse” Remus tried to argue. 

“Moony it wasn’t just a curse! Okay? You nor James, not even Snivellous would have used that spell!” Sirius said standing up and getting light headed. His vision blurred a little and he tried to blink it away. There was a beep in his brain that was carving a hole, and the scars on his arms and chest felt like they where constantly being reopened and poisoned. 

“Please I’ll go with you, Pomfrey doesn’t ask questions…Sirius?” 

“Ok…” he said faintly. 

☾☾☾

“Oh dear! Oh Sirius!” Pomfrey had a hand covering her mouth and the look of pure horror was too evident to miss. “I will personally attack her! How could she?!” For the first time in his life, Sirius saw something like shock and fear in the healer witch. He lowered his vision and tried not to feel embarrassed. He was too aware of Remus’ confused gaze on him. “An unforgivable! I’m going to Dumbledore straight away! My poor boy, it’s a wonder you’re still in one piece! Thank my lucky stars!” Sirius swore he could hear Remus’ breathing stop and his heart sink. 

Remus had never seen anyone so upset as Madame Pomfrey, and the only reason he wasn’t acting just like her, was because he was too shocked to move. An unforgivable?

“Poppy please no! You can’t tell anyone, please it’ll just make it worse. Please” Sirius said quickly. His voice full of nervous despair. The witch stopped walking to look Sirius deeply in the eyes. 

“Alright…but if it ever happens aga-.”

“It won’t” Sirius lied.

Pomfrey gave Sirius half a dozen potions and healed all his wounds, Remus looked away during that part. After almost two hours of treatment and half an hour of discussing weather or not Sirius should leave the infirmary, they where out the door. They went up to their bedroom, both insanely tired. Remus though of the full moon tomorrow night and got that wave of sadness that seemed to cover him from the sun. He fell onto his bed and watched Sirius warily. 

Sirius felt Remus eyes on him, he could imagine how his brain was probably working out what the right thing to say was. The truth was, that Sirius hadn’t had any comfort in a long time. He had James, of course. He told James everything, and before now, he explained every curse Walburga had used on him. He was always there, Sirius knew, but there was something about having to complain to other people that made him feel wrong. Sirius joked daily about how shit his family was, but when it came to actually explaining the details, his throat would close and no words would come out. 

“You can’t go back there… ever” Remus said, reclining on his elbows. 

“I can’t exactly choose, can I?” Sirius said, changing his shirt. Remus looked away, he suddenly felt weird looking at his friend. 

“How did it feel?” 

“Can’t really explain it… it was horrible, more than horrible. If I read the entire dictionary I don’t think I’d find enough words to explain how it felt” Sirius sighed, sitting at the edge of his bed. His brain was numb most of the time, these days. Too tired to think. Pomfrey’s potions helped him, a lot. It felt like seeing for the first time again. “I thought of you” he said suddenly. Remus made an uncomfortable expression, not knowing weather or not that was a good thing. 

“Some people compare the werewolf transition to the Cruciatus Curse, at least the physical feeling”

“Oh…” Remus looked away, feeling uneasy. 

“Don’t tell James” Sirius said. Before Remus could answer, Peter opened the door harshly. His cheeks were flushed with what seemed to be cold. His jaw was clenched and he was so focused on his thoughts, that he didn’t really notice his two friends. 

“Pete are you alright?” Sirius asked. 

“Fine” Peter said, angrily. Remus and Sirius eyed each other, both wondering what the hell was wrong with their friend, but neither doing anything to find out.


	5. Full Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last leaf fallen bare earth where green was born,  
> Black Madonna two eagles hang against a cloud,  
> Sun comes up blood red wind yells among the stone,  
> All graceful instruments are known.
> 
> When the windows all are broken and your love's become a toothless crone,  
> When the voices of the storm sound like a crowd,  
> Winter morning breaks, you're all alone.
> 
> The eyes are blind, blue visions, all a seer can own,  
> And touching makes the flesh to cry out loud  
> This ground on which the seed of love is sown,  
> All graceful instruments are known.

It was the last class from their first week back at school, and McGonagall was wearing every single bit of energy Remus had left. His bones hurt. They felt as if someone was trying to even them with sandpaper. It was a constant, awful pain. Every time someone talked too loud, he felt his brain tighten. He could hear, and smell everything. Sometimes he felt that the day of the full moon was worse than the actual transformation. 

He smelt the razor cuts on Cassies’ wrists, he smelt the uncontrollable anxiety in Marlene, he felt James’ excitement, Sirius’ boredom, he heard every single pencil moving against a paper, he heard every breath, every shift, every whisper. The sounds and overwhelming emotions where carving a hole in his brain and heart. He felt the pain and happiness of everyone. It was too much. More than too much. McGonagall’s voice was a distant white noise, like the ants on the television. It was too much, too much. He couldn’t take it any longer. 

He stood up quietly, regretting coming to class in the first place. He opened the door to exit the classroom. Terrible mistake. Some classes where over, some classes where taking lessons outside. There was at least ten times more people, more feelings, more noises outside. He closed his eyes and tried to ignore his migraine. He let his feet walk him, because his brain couldn’t think. The world seemed to be spinning, everything was blurry. 

“Remus?” it’s was girls’ voice; Remus couldn’t seem to place their name. “Remus, are you alright?” 

Remus looked at a set of long dark red hair, he knew that person, but he couldn’t think straight, nothing made sense. This must feel like getting intensely drugged, Remus thought. This must be what Jim Morrison meant in all those weird poems. He swore he could hear ‘New Potato Caboose’ by The Grateful Dead somewhere in the distance. It just made everything feel like e horrible fever dream.

“Remus…you’re worrying me” 

“I’m worrying…myself. Pomfrey” Remus nodded as he held a hand to his temple and pressed hard. 

“Ok, come on”

Remus couldn’t remember getting there. There was white noise in his ears and everything was too bright. The white bed sheets where blinding, and the red in Madame Pomfrey’s robes was too harsh for Remus to look at without getting a headache. 

“Remus” The nurse said in a soft whisper. “Remus we have to go” Her lips formed a tight concerned smile.

“Where?” 

“Come on, dear” 

Everything was haze, until he set foot in The Shrieking Shack and the nurse left. The moon was in the sky, his teeth are fangs and his ribcage where twice the normal size. The world was no longer turning and the wolf knew exactly what it needed. All the pain he felt a few minutes ago was gone, replaced with a strong need of something. What was it that he needed? The wolf tended to forget until he got it. 

It howled at the moon that he couldn’t see. His heart throbbed in his chest, he needed to run, to get out, to hunt. The wolf ran through the shack with intense speed, hitting its sides on the walls from the sudden impact. He ran around for a few minutes until it realized that it couldn’t get out. The wolf felt claustrophobic. The walls where too close together, the ceilings too small, the room too hot. Everything felt wrong. He needed to get out. He needed to feel. He needed… he needed air. The wolf that was once Remus, started howling and whimpering. He needed to get out. He started running with all the force it could muster and crashed into the walls, trying to break them. The walls seem to be made of osmium, because they didn’t even crack. It howled one more time, until he remembered what helped. 

It looked at its claws and started ripping at its own skin. There it was. He couldn’t get out, but he could get in. The relief was immediate... until it wasn’t. It howled again, scratched at itself and repeated the process. 

After hours that stretched on for years, Remus started to regain some conscience. Regret and shame where the first emotions that make the wolf remember that he was once a human. The moon hid behind the mountains, and the sun started to get out. 

The pain settled in Remus, worse than he remembered. His ribs cracked and turned, his chest felt too tight and his lungs seem to be drowning. His body felt alien. He curled into the corner of the room and closed his eyes tightly. He counted. One… two… three… four. Anything to help him from focusing on the pain. There was blood, so much blood. Five…six…seven…eight. It hurt too much, his skin was ripped, the cuts where too deep, it hurt. Nine…ten…eleven… Sirius. Sirius… Had he felt like this too? The world faded and faded and faded until all Remus could see was black. 

☾☾☾☾

“Poppy! He’s awake” Remus recognized James’ voice and smiled slightly. Sirius made himself visible as he sat at the foot of Remus’ hospital bed. He looked worried, and avoided looking at any part of Remus that wasn’t his eyes. 

“Hi Moony”

“Hey…” his throat felt rough and worn out. 

“How you feeling?” 

“Like a giant just squished me, chewed me, and then spit me out” Remus said, getting a laugh out of Sirius. Pomfrey arrived before an unwanted silence settled between the both of them. The nurse made him take half a dozen potions and cleaned his wounds again, bandaging them with a magic cream that would help them scar in no time. 

“I thought so… I told them that space was too small. I’m sorry dear, I truly am” 

“Bad one wasn’t it?” Pomfrey said, in her soft comforting voice. 

“Yeah…” Remus managed. “I…the wolf needed to get out” Pomfrey looked at him with pitying eyes and Remus regretted saying that immediately. 

“I thought so… I told them that space was too small. I’m sorry dear, I truly am” 

“It’s not your fault, the only thing you do is help!” Remus said quickly, not wanting the witch to feel bad. “I just… the first full moon at a different place is always difficult.” 

“You need some rest. You three, out!” Poppy said at James, Sirius and Peter. They all wave at him and got out reluctantly. Remus noticed how maybe Peter should be staying, the purple bags under his eyes and his sad eyes, concerned him. Before he could say anything, the sleeping potion took his into a dreamless peacfull dream. 

☾☾☾☾

“Do you want to rest more?” James asked, in that motherly tone he had begun using every time someone was vulnerable. 

“I just slept for two days, I think that’s enough” Remus said, overwhelmed with energy. 

“How’s your arm? James asked, again. Remus moved it and wiggled it to show that It was fine. “Ribs?” 

“They’re fine, mother” Remus laughed at his concerned friend. 

“Fine… The Three Broomsticks is waiting for us with some drinks” James said triumphantly. 

They had found a secret passage to the bar in their third year and had been going traditionally after every full moon to lift Remus’ spirits up. 

That night, they all drink far much more alcohol than what they could handle, but not a single smile was missing.


	6. Lily, My City

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self harm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
> Or the moment of truth in your lies  
> When everything feels like the movies  
> Yeah, you bleed just to know, you're alive

“Moony?” James asked, one Thursday afternoon in the middle of September. 

“Mmm…” Remus answered, not brining his gaze up from the book he was reading. 

“What rhymes with Lily?” 

“Mhm” Remus answered, too concentrated on his book to really hear what James was asking. 

“Sirius, he’s doing it again!” James yelled as Sirius appeared in the Common Room. 

“Moony” Sirius said in a sing-song tone. He stared at his friend. How could someone put so much focus into a book? He’d never seen anyone like that. His heart was filled with affection, as it constantly did, when his friends did something that was an utter representation of who they where. Remus didn’t even answer this time, he just switched positions, bringing both of his feet on the chair. “Remus” 

“Yeah…” Remus responded, in a voice that gave away what they already knew. He wasn’t actually interested. Sirius looked over at James and smirked. 

He walked swiftly to the back of Remus’ chair and took the book from the top of his head. 

“Sirius give it back!” 

“Oh look at this! Moony underlines his books, never thought you where capable of such a sin!” Sirius said fake indignantly. In his house, books where more like museum exhibitions that should always be left intact. Secretly, he’d always adored when people trashed their books. Underlined them, wrote on the side their thoughts, used half of the page to throw out their bubble gum, anything that showed that someone was alive while reading the book. 

“Sirius give the book back” Remus said rolling his eyes. 

“Oh? You want the book?” Sirius said, his posh accent escaping. 

“Yes” 

“Come and get it then” Sirius ran. He ran up the stairs, around their dorm, back down the stairs, and around the common room. Remus wasn’t much of a runner, but he was at Sirius’ heels. Secretly, letting him get away. 

“What of Art?  
-It is a malady.” Sirius yelled, reading the page Remus had underlined. 

“Sirius, I’ll kill you!” 

“--Love?  
-An Illusion…” Sirius yelled, jumping on the couch. “--What are you?  
-To define is to limit.” 

“Sirius!” Remus said, tackling his friend to the ground. They landed with too much impulse and Remus could feel the blossoming of a new bruise at his hipbone. 

“So poetic, Moony. Never pictured you as the hopeless romantic, I’ll give you that” Sirius said, breathing raggedly from all the running. Remus grabbed the book from Sirius’ cold hands and hit him with it playfully in the face. 

“Then you haven’t been paying much attention” Remus said, getting off Sirius and standing up. 

“What rhymes with Lily?” James said looking tired. 

“Lily? Really, city, in theory, lilies, chilly” Remus said quickly.

“Why didn’t I think of that?!” James beamed, writing down something on a piece of parchment. 

☾☾☾☾

“Ready for the party?” James yelled, as he exited the bathroom into their dorm. 

“That was today?” Peter asked, clear disappointment on his voice

“Yeah” James said looking at Peter with shock

“I can’t go today” 

“Why not?” Sirius asked 

“I have a thing”

“What thing?” Sirius pressed. He’d been worrying about Peter more and more lately, but every time he tried to talk to him about it, Peter would just snap at him or shrug it off as ‘being tired’. 

“Uhhh… Potions tutoring” Peter said

“On a Friday?” 

“Yes, on a Friday, Sirius. We’re not all geniuses” Peter snapped. James looked over at Peter with clear annoyance. 

“Oi Peter, calm the hormones okay? Sirius is just trying to help. You should ditch Slughorn for once and relax. You’re moodier than Moony before the full moon. Have fun, I’ll help you with Potions on Sunday” James said kindly. 

“I can’t ditch Slughorn.” Peter said and stood up. He walked out of the dorm and closed the door harshly. 

“What’s wrong with him?” Remus asked. That question had been bugging the three of the Marauders since school started, and none of them had a clear answer. James shrugged. 

☾☾☾☾

“Shame isn’t it?” Cassie Abernathy, walked over to Remus and sat next to him, on a small brown couch. The party was a complete success, everyone was drinking, dancing, and snogging. Remus had his eyes glued on Sirius. He was making out with a sixth year Ravenclaw, rather aggressively, on the other corner of the room. He was snapped away from the strange feeling he was getting on his throat by Cassie. 

“What?” he asked with a friendly smile. 

“Kissing someone you don’t like” She said simply. Her long platinum hair seemed to have multicoloured glitter all over it. 

“How’d you know they don’t like each other?”

“Sirius told me” 

“What’d he say?” Remus asked taking a swing at his butterbeer. 

“That she was annoying, superficial…don’t remember what else.” Cassie said, looking at the couple with a puzzled expression. She shook her head and turned back to Remus. “Thanks for the Sherbet Lemons” she smiled sweetly at him. Her red lipstick making her teeth look whiter than snow.

“You’re very welcome” Remus said, still thinking about Sirius. “Wait, how’d you know it was me?” he finally takes his gaze away from them. 

“Who else?” 

“I don’t know… a friend, a secret admirer?” he said wiggling his eyebrows. 

“Oh Remus I think we both know that’s very unlikely” she said laughing. “Besides who else would know I only eat Sherbet Lemons?” Remus shrugged at that. Suddenly a wave of pity and sadness crossed over him. His friend, his wonderful lovely friend, was hurting herself. 

“Why’d you do it, Cas?” he asked, mustering up the courage. She kept her face completely normal, as if talking about something friendly. 

“Remus, I like you, so I’m gonna try and explain it to you” She looked around the party, and then held her gaze to Remus. “Sometimes… I can go months without feeling anything. It’s all numb, so numb. It feels hollow, like I'm more of a ghost than a human. And it hurts… it hurts so much.” She breathed in deeply, as if it was hurting to breathe right now. “It feels like someone is constantly, repeatedly stabbing my heart with a knife. I’m not even exaggerating. And it’s not that I want to die, its actually the complete opposite, I want to feel alive. But I can’t, and doing that reminds me that I’m still alive, even if I don’t feel like it… It feels good for about a minute, and then it gets worse” She sighed and looked at Remus. He was staring at her with almost teary eyes and an understanding expression. “I don’t now, Remus…I know I should stop, but I don’t know how” 

“I’m sorry Cas, I really wish I could do something” 

“I do love the Sherbet Lemons; I think I cried while eating them I was so happy” She said laughing. 

“Next time you feel like that look for me, Cassie. Promise? We could do something” 

“Thanks” She nudged his shoulder appreciatively. “I mean it”

“How are you feeling now?” 

“I… I don’t know… but I’m not entirely numb” She said smiling. “I’m having a good month, Pomfrey is giving me some potion” 

“Wanna dance?” Remus asked, wanting to keep Cassie happy for the longest time possible.

“Thought you’d never ask” She said grinning. 

Sirius had stopped kissing Clarisse Jones, when he saw Cassie sit next to Remus. He’d always known that they where friends, but something about the way Cassie smiled wider when she was with him, and the way Remus could talk to her for hours, made him uneasy. The Ravenclaw girl he’d been kissing, was foul. He didn’t really like her, and he hated kissing her, but still… he did it. He didn’t really know why. Sirius looked at Cassie dance, too close to Remus, and felt a tug in his stomach. 

“Attention, attention!” The music stopped, along with Sirius’ train of thought, as James stood up on a table, using a charm to make his voice as loud as a stadium commentator. The entire party looked over at him and Lily Evans can be seen shaking with a mix of anger and nervousness. “I have a very important announcement”

“Oh no, James” Remus whispered to Cassie, who looked delighted at James’ Romeo complex. 

“Lily my flower,   
Lily, my soul,   
I have only every wanted your love.

Lily,   
My emerald city  
Of pureness and gold. 

Lily my flower,   
Lily my soul,   
I ask for a kiss   
So that I can finally breathe” James recited, dramatically. Looking and pointing directly at Lily Evans. Some people wowed and others where on their knees laughing. 

“It’s not that bad, I'm impressed” Remus whispered to Cassie, as the entire party gave James a standing ovation. 

“Lily’s so lucky” she said smiling. 

“She is” 

Remus stared at the crowd and wondered if he’d ever have a James, if someone would ever make poems about him, if someone would ever love him half as much. It’s a depressing thought, and after coming to the conclusion that he’d probably die alone. Hugging and kissing Cassie on the cheek, he said goodbye. Too tired to think anymore, he fell asleep, to dreams that where filled with Sirius and girls he couldn’t recognize.


	7. Ladies and Gentlemen, I Am Literally A Dog.

“Is that my jumper?” Remus asked as he arrived at the common room, and found James in a familiar red sweater. He had his nose deep in a very thick book. 

“Eh…yeah” he said, concentrating more on the book than Remus. Remus watched James’ eyes quickly scan the page, and as he finished, he closed the book triumphantly and set it on the table. Remus plopped down on the couch. “Muggle books are magic!” James said smiling. 

“Yeah, I’ve been trying to tell you for the past five years” Remus laughed. “Where’s everyone?” 

“Peter’s in the kitchen and Sirius is… Merlin knows where” James sighed and threw an arm around Remus’ shoulders. “Saw you dancing with Cas yesterday” he said, wiggling his eyebrows and giving Remus a knowing look. 

“It’s not like that” Remus laughed. For the first time in the five years he’d known Cassie, he wondered exactly why was it that he didn’t like her, like that. She was extremely nice, beautiful, smart, funny, kind, she liked the same kind of movies he did… yet, nothing. 

“Isn’t it?” James asked. 

“I’d never thought about it”

“Hmm… did you see Sirius and Melinda?” James laughed. So that was her name. 

“Bit hard not to” 

“I thought she was gonna eat his face” 

“It was disgusting” Remus added. 

“At least he’s getting something” James whined. 

“It’s not like you couldn’t” Remus said, both knowing that it was true. Girls went crazy over James, even after he’d turned them down a million times. Remus put his head on James’ shoulder, wondering if there was anyone in the world with a more comfortable embrace.

“Actually I couldn’t, because I only want Evans, and she hates me” James said, with an out of character sorrow. 

“She’ll come around” Remus said, knowing that it was true. 

“Do you want to go and invade the Slytherin Common Room with snakes?” James asked casually. 

“Yeah, sure” 

They left the comfort of their common room and walked, below the Cloak of Invisibility, towards the dungeons. As they got closer, they felt the opposite they felt in their common room. Gryffindor Tower was warm and full of light, the Slytherin’ was cold, below the lake. Beautiful, nonetheless. 

“Password?” The portrait asked. 

“Zagreus” Remus whispered. 

“How’d you know?” James asked, wide eyed. 

“Regulus” He said smiling. As much as he hated the Black family, Remus had first acquainted himself with Regulus in his third year. He’d asked the younger Black brother to keep him and James updated on Sirius, he’d happily obliged. After that, Remus would sometimes study Astronomy with him, or they would talk about wizard-written books. They both promised not to tell Sirius anything about their abnormal friendship. 

James walked in first and hid behind a tall marble column. Lucius and Mulciber where studying on the couch, while Bellatrix and Amanda where doing a heated version of gossiping. 

“This is wonderful!” James said grinning. “Just the people I love, if only Snivellous was here, it would be Christmas” James was never one to hurt people. On the contrary, if there was something he hated, it was seeing other people suffer. But when it came to these particularly evil Slytherins, he enjoyed giving them a scare. “Serpentsoria” he mumbled. 

Remus followed. They cast the spell a couple of times on each corner of the room, and waited patiently. 

“AHHHH!” Bellatrix shrieked, as she stood up from her chair and ran across the room. The snake was in her hair. “LUCIUS GET IT OUT AHHH” 

Remus and James where having trouble breathing from laughter, they couldn’t hold the laughter in any longer. 

“We need to go” Remus said, quietly. His stomach was hurting from avoiding the laugh that was threatening to escape so soon. They practically ran, as they heard the other Slytherins start to scream at the sight of their houses’ animal. They got out of the dungeons and fell on the floor. Remus couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed this hard. Everything hurt and he had tears running down his cheek. The muscles on his face where contracting from all the smiling. James was silently rocking around the floor. He was one of those people who, when they laughed too much, no sound escaped from their throats. 

“Oh Merlin! Moony, her face!” James was holding his stomach and wiping the tears from his face. 

“We should do that more often” Remus said, still lying on the floor. 

“Definitely”

☾☾☾☾

Remus, James and Peter arrived to their room one rainy October evening to find the strangest view. There was a big black dog in the middle of their dorm. It was sitting elegantly, paws crossed. Its shiny fur looked darker than night, and its stormy grey eyes where unmistakable. 

“You son of a bitch, you did it!” Peter yelled, a rare true smile taking over his face. Remus was utterly confused, looking between the dog and Peter. James was shocked. 

“How!? Sirius! Merlin!” he yelled. 

“What do you mean, Sirius?” Remus asked. His friends where weird sometimes. When he looked back at the dog, Sirius was standing in its place. He bowed, with that Black manor, he tried to hide so much. 

“Ladies and gentlemen… I am… literally, a dog” Sirius said laughing. Something clicked in Remus’ brain and the bewilderment was too evident on his face. 

“No fucking way” he said, something like dread landing on his stomach. James put a comforting hand on his shoulder. 

“Moony…this is our deepest darkest secret.” He said dramatically. “Yes, we have, indeed, been trying to make ourselves animals for the past three years.” He looked at Sirius as a proud father would look at its son. “Sirius, the little shit, has achieved it first.”

“Are you absolutely out of your fucking minds!?”

“I thought you knew that already” Peter said smiling. 

“It’s illegal, mortally dangerous, absolutely reckless!” Remus paced “Why would you do something like that!” 

Sirius transformed back into the dog and walked over to Remus.

“That’s impressive” Remus petted the dog with a wide smile. “Stop distracting me!” Sirius transformed back, stumbling a little, and he sat on the floor. “Why would you do that; you could get locked up!”

“Oh boy” Sirius said shaking his head at James “He’s dumber than I thought” 

“Moony! Think! Use that beautiful head of yours and think!” James said. 

“I don’t know!” Remus said, exasperated. Sirius rolled his eyes and stood up, he walked over to stand in front of Remus. 

“We did it for you, you daft idiot! We love you too much to see you go to the Shrieking Shack alone every month” Sirius looked at Remus straight on the eye. Remus couldn’t bear it, and tried to avoid his gaze. It felt like Sirius might see through his soul. We love you too much. There was a lump in Remus’ throat, he couldn’t remember if someone had ever said that to him, and meant it, really meant it. 

“We researched for years, Remus! Finally, we got it this year, well Sirius at least.” James said. “We just want to help” 

“I could hurt you” 

“You wont. We researched about that too. Moony don’t think about all the negative outcomes of this” Sirius said 

“How can I not, Sirius! I could kill you!”

“We’re all dying at some point” Sirius said. Remus looked horrified. “Oh have some humor you angry werewolf! Look, we’re doing it. Next full moon, if these idiots can get their act together, we’re going. If you hurt us… we’ll stop, But I know you won’t. You love us too much” Sirius said cheekily. Remus rolled his eyes, smiling wide. He hugged all his friends, for a long time, and thanked them until they threatened to use a silencing spell on him.


	8. Five Years

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your face, your race, the way that you talk  
> I kiss you, you're beautiful, I want you to walk  
> We've got five years, stuck on my eyes  
> Five years, what a surprise

Remus was in the Room of Requirement. It was two days before the full moon, and he just wanted to be alone. People talked a lot about the physical effect of the moon, but they never spoke about the emotional ones. Remus felt lonely and alienated to his own body. He thought of Cassie. He felt like her. The same kind of numbness, that made your brain wonder into places it shouldn’t be. He would never do something about it like Cassie, because he knew it would pass, he knew it wasn’t really him. But still, he preferred to be alone and distract himself with things the wizarding world knew nothing of. The room had transformed into a type of cinema. There was a big fluffy couch, a popcorn and soda machine, a big TV, and the lights where dim. It was extremely cozy, and just what he needed right now. He was peacefully watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show, when the door opened. Could that even happen? 

“Here you are” Sirius let himself in and walked toward Remus. How had he gotten in? “Are you hiding?” 

“Does it look like I am?” 

“Yeah” Sirius said, smiling. Remus looked back at his movie. “What’s that?” 

“Rocky Horror Picture Show, just a muggle movie” Remus shrugged, suddenly aware of how Tim Curry was in drag. He’d watched the movie about a thousand times since it came out during the summer, and not once had he thought it odd that a man was dressed like a woman. Now, Sirius being in the room, he was self conscious of liking such a thing. He wasn’t sure of what Sirius would think. 

“Mind if I stay? If you want to be alone, I get it” 

“No, no I don’t mind” 

Sirius sat down next to him, elbows and knees touching, like they always did. But it was different this time, Remus was awre of their knees touching. He was aware of how odd it felt. How it felt good and uncomfortable at the same time. 

“Is that…normal for muggles?” Sirius asked, snapping Remus from his odd thoughts. 

“Huh?” 

“Men… dressing up, using makeup, all that?” 

“Uhhh… I mean its not exactly normal, people get made fun of a lot for it. It’s called drag. It’s more normalized than in the wizarding world, for sure. But still it’s…” Remus couldn’t find exactly how to say it, how could he say all the difficulties and oppression that the drag community went through? It was awful. “There’s a long way to go” Remus sighed, frustrated at himself for not being able to express what he thought. “What do you think about it?” he asked cautiously, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer. 

“I think it’s amazing!” Sirius says, surprising himself even more than Remus. 

“Really?” 

“Yeah! Wish I could do some eyeliner not gonna lie” he said, laughing. 

“Have you heard of David Bowie?” Remus said eyeing him curiously. 

Remus quickly forgot about the movie and his tiredness, as he started lecturing Sirius about Bowie. Soon the Room of Requirement blessed them with magazines, a record player and vinyl’s. Remus’ obsession with the singer only grew as he saw the way Sirius’ eyes lit more and more with each song. 

They where hallway through The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust, when Remus checked the clock. 

“It’s two in the morning” he said laughing. 

“I don’t bloody care, we’re listening to every single song”

Remus face was starting to hurt from smiling so much. Fifteen minutes later the album came to an end. Sirius was staring blankly at the ceiling, in a complete trance. 

“He’s my hero, Moony” he said, dreamily. 

“He was mine first!” 

“We can share!” 

“Keep him a secret” Remus said quietly. He liked keeping the things he loved to himself, they wouldn’t mean half as much to other people, they wouldn’t appreciate the art. 

“Definitely. We should form a Bowie fan club” Sirius said and Remus burst out laughing. His heart felt so full. Maybe if he stopped alienating himself every full moon, it wouldn’t be as bad. “I’m serious! He deserves it” 

“You’re always Sirius” Remus said, using the overused joke. Sirius hit him lightly on the arm. 

Oh. 

What was that? Why had his heart just done a flip? Why did his brain feel fuzzy all of a sudden? 

Sirius suddenly froze too. Why had that felt…weird? Why was he suddenly aware of how close they where? Why were they so close?

They stared at each other blankly, unaware of how similar their thoughts are. Both too conscious on themselves to notice how the other was looking at them. 

“We should go” Remus said quickly, trying to erase the thoughts that had just intruded his mind. 

They walked in an almost uncomfortable silence back to Gryffindor Tower. When they opened the dorm room, Sirius walked quickly and quietly to the bathroom, locking the door. Remus changed in the bedroom and covered himself beneath the sheets, already knowing that sleep wouldn’t come easy. 

Meanwhile, Sirius took longer than usual brushing his teeth. What had that been? Had it felt wrong? It felt like having the word on the tip of your tongue but never actually finding it. Those questions accompanied him all the way into his dreams, where a certain scarred tawny haired boy appeared next to David Bowie. They sand about wanting to kiss and having five years left…


	9. Friends With The Moon

Remus twisted and turned around trying to find a comfortable enough position. He finds none. The full moon would be out soon and the only thing that would cease the feeling of being utterly uncomfortable, was transitioning into a wolf. He saw the worried looks his friends gave each other. Remus was scared, more than he’d ever been. If he hurt his friends, he would never, ever, forgive himself. 

“You... you really don’t want to see it” Remus said weakly. He was on the floor of the Shrieking Shack, minutes away from transforming. “It’s... ugl-.” He felt a part of himself being ripped away, hidden in the deepest and darkest part of his soul. His bones cracked, his heart ached, and the sensation of wanting to leave your body, was no longer. The wolf howled, from the bottom of its lungs.

It smelled blood, it heard the pumping of hearts, it felt the eagerness in the air. It first spotted the rat, so small. It ran to it. The wolf should be wanting to eat it, a snack to start the night. But no… the rat, it knew the rat. The rat was… part of the pack. It turned to find the stag and the dog staring at the both of them. The rat squeaked something, which the wolf understood. They where not food either. The black dog chased its own tail, and the wolf got a strange feeling. It looked so stupid. The wolf turned to the rat, who ran to its other friends. The stag seemed to be laughing, it looked inviting. The wolf tip toed to the rest of the animals, sniffing them and memorizing their scent. Friends. He wasn’t alone. He didn’t want to get out. 

☾☾☾☾

“Wonderful, wonderful” Madame Pomfrey whispered while giving Remus a sleeping potion. “Haven’t had such a good one since... just wonderful”

“Yeah” Remus forced out. The night had been perfect. And everything was wrong now. His friends would have to continue risking their lives for him. Having friends made the wolf remember who he was. He thought of all the past transformations, how the wolf hadn’t found anything that made him cling on to his consciousness. It had only ever taken remembering about his friends, his family. He didn’t know who he was, he was no one, without his friends. As Remus took the sleeping potion, his eyes start to become watery and his vision began to blur. His friends, his bloody friends. He loved them, truly loved them. He’d never felt something like that for anyone, and now the emotions where overwhelming. He was scared, scared of the war, scared of loving someone and them not loving him back, scared of his friends becoming indifferent like everyone else he’d ever loved. It was too much, too much. Remus chugged the potion, tears wetting his cheeks and a deep rooted pain clenching at his heart. For once, he was thankful for having to spend time at the infirmary. Anything to have a few hours of complete unconsciousness.

☾☾☾☾

“James... James... James!” Sirius whispered at two in the morning. He was awoken once again by nightmares. They where usually filled with his mother, death eaters, and his friends. James was almost drooling at the side of his pillow, completely asleep. “Prongs...James!” Sirius said, a little louder this time. He didn’t move in the slightest. “James!”

“Sirius shut the fuck up!” A sleepy Remus whispered-yelled from the other side of the room. It was his first night back from the infirmary, so he was still having a light sleep. 

“James isn’t waking up” Sirius explained.

“He took a sleeping potion, he won’t wake up. But I bloody will!” Remus said, and Sirius’ face fell. He needed comfort right now, he always needed comfort after nightmares. Even in the dim light, Remus noticed it. He remembered his nightmares, how he needed someone there, but had no one. “Come here” he whispered, giving in. Sirius walked quickly and jumped on Remus’ bed. He kissed him sloppily on one cheek.

“Do that again and I’ll kill you” Remus said, not meaning a word.

“Oh shut up I know you love it” Sirius answered, pulling up the covers and getting underneath. The bed was war, it felt so… safe, it reminded Sirius that he was home. They stared at each other in the dark, neither wanting to turn around or fall asleep.

“Bad dreams?” Remus whispered after a few minutes.

“Yeah...”

“What where they about?”

Sirius breathed in deeply and snuggled the blanket. Not thinking too much about it, he got closer to Remus, he always did it with James. Their knees touched, and a jolt went through Sirius’ body.

“Lots of things” he said, trying to focus on talking and not his abnormally racing heart. 

“Like?” Remus pressed. 

“You, Prongs, Peter, my mother...”

“And? What happened” Sirius stared at his friend, could he tell that the words wouldn’t come out without tears? He got an uncomfortable lump in his throat.  
“It’s just a thing I sometimes think about... you three just start seeing me the way they all see me, start hating me, befriend my mother... do stuff about it like she did” Sirius explained, without any detail. Remus noticed, of course, he even closer to Sirius, now feeling his breath on his skin.

“We would never think wrong about you...ever”

“I know... it’s just... sometimes it feels like it’s too good to be true.” Remus laughd a bit at that.

“I get that... always feel it.”

“You shouldn’t”

“I’ll stop when you do” Remus said, with a competing tone. There were a few minutes of silence, both where stuck in their own thoughts about friends and feeling like they’re not enough. “What stuff?” Remus asked, remembering everything Sirius just said.

“What?”

“You said your mother did stuff” Remus said cautiously.

“Mmm... I did”

“Other than the curse, at the beginning of term” Remus said, getting that sinking feeling he got at the infirmary when Pomfrey started freaking out. 

“Yeah… bunch of other stuff”

“You don’t have to tell me, if you don’t want”

“No, I want to tell you, just...she has a thing for seeing which curses hurt the most” Sirius looked into Remus’ eyes, waiting for a reaction. “Every time I did something wrong she’d... I don’t know the spell, it was wordless magic, but it hurt. It hurt a lot, Moony. And she got inside my head sometimes” Sirius’ voice broke and he stopped talking, not wanting for Remus to see him so vulnerable.

Seeing his friends’ starry eyes, Remus hugged him. As best as he could, considering they where both lying down. He put an arm around Sirius’ waist, ignoring the feeling of fireworks everywhere. Sirius did the same, squeezing Remus tighter, as a few tears fell down. Remus would never find the words, even years later as he recalled the moment, he was never satisfied with anything. The comfort of ones’ arms would always pass unsaid words. Sirius cuddled his face into Remus’ chest, finding that his beating heart was his new favorite sound.

“Thanks Moony” Sirius whispered as he closed his eyes and breathed in Remus’ scent. His jumper smelled like mahogany and chamomile tea, and his skin smelt weirdly floral. No one smelt that good at two in the morning.

They stayed in that position for the rest of the night, arms around each other, legs intertwined. They slept deeply, neither’s sleep being interrupted by unwanted nightmares.


	10. Chapter 10

“There must be something to do!” James said. It was the last Friday of October, and Halloween was just around the corner. None of his friends wanted to do something fun.

“I need to go, Cassie’s waiting for me” Remus said, standing up.

“Is that a date?” Sirius asked, a bit of a mocking tone in his voice.

“No...”

“Is Moony going on a date?!” Peter said, peeking over his head from his bed.

“No” Remus said, half annoyed. He picked up his bag and looked around for a pair of shoes.

“She’s pretty, why don’t you?” Sirius said, making Remus’ temper raise.

“Because I don’t want to” Remus sighed, not wanting to think too much about any dating subject. “Sirius where the fuck are my shoes?” Sirius had acquired a recent liking for Remus’ converses, and had begun constantly ‘borrowing’ them. Sirius smiled guiltily and stood up lazily, going to his closet and pulling the worn white shoes. “You should buy your own pair”

“Why, when I can use yours?”

Remus rolled his eyes and left the room. A sudden smile taking over his face. He arrived at the library a few minutes later, finding his friend sitting next to a window. She was reading a book, too caught up on it to realize Remus had arrived. Remus stopped walking and stared at her. She was pretty. Why didn’t he like her like that?

“Moony, are you gonna stand there forever?” Cassie’s melodic voice said, still not looking up from the book. She laughed, a soft laugh, that made Remus wonder how could he not like her, like her.

“Just thinking...” Remus felt a slight touch of embarrassment as he walked towards Cassie. “What you reading?”

“A book” she answered with that infamous Ravenclaw sarcasm. She smiled and closed the book roughly. “So... got something to tell me?” She asked.

“No...?”

“Mhm...” Cassie eyed him curiously. The Ravenclaw witch had always had a very strong intuition, some wizards had called her a Seer. She had felt something that Remus had not realized yet. “Did you finish Dorian Gray?”

“No not yet...I’ve been too busy, haven’t read in a bit”

“You should always make time for reading” Cassie said, wisely.

“I don’t even have time to make time for other things, Cas. I don’t know how you do it”

“Remus, you’re in desperate need for a time management lesson.”

“I don’t have time for it” Remus repeated, laughing.

“Are you liking it so far... the book?” Cassie asked.

“Yes, absolutely adoring it. Honestly. Dorians a bit...” he started not knowing whether to speak his mind.

“Gay?” Cassie finished for him. Remus laughed lightly and nodded. “Wilde-ly gay” that sent them both into an uncontrollable fit of laughter.

They stayed there talking for a few hours, neither noticing the time pass. As night fell, Remus suggested they move up to Gryffindor tower. They walked slowly, talking about about Led Zeppelin, The Doors and many rock bands. Cassie was a pureblood wizard, and her parents where... not tolerant of anything muggle. Just like Sirius, she rebelled against everything she was raised on. Unlike Sirius, she did it privately. As they arrived to the tower, they saw the common room overcrowded.

“We should go up to the dorm” Remus said, Cassie just nodded.

Remus opened their bedroom door, and instantly felt his stomach sink, lower than hell. Cassie grabbed his forearm comfortingly.

“Oh shit!” Sirius said, as he removed himself from on top of Melinda Raven. “Hi, Moony... Cassie” His expression faded from somewhat happiness to bitterness as he saw Remus’ friend.

“I-... I’m sorry... didn’t know you where...” Remus struggled to find any words.

“We were looking for an empty space...we should go back to the cupboard, Moony. Right?” Cassie said, suddenly grabbing Remus’ arm and putting it around her waist.

“Uh... yeah, yeah. Sorry Padfoot!” He said, closing the door, harsher than needed. He stood there for a second, in a confused shock. Cassie removed her hand and stared at Remus.

“You alright?” Cassie asked, already knowing the answer.

“That... was bloody scarring” Remus said. “Thanks for saying that”

“Mhm... you where a little lost for words”

“Yeah... don’t know why”

“Sure, I guess it was a little scarring”

They laughed, Remus’ laugh coming out weirdly hollow.

That night, Remus was haunted with thoughts of Sirius. Each one made him hate himself more and more. Was he jealous? Why was he jealous? Was he jealous of Melinda? Was he jealous of Sirius? Why would he be jealous of his best friend? When did Melinda become so annoying? Since when was the air in their dorm so suffocating? Each question made him want to scream more. Why did he never get answers? 

Remus couldn’t take it any longer. He stood up, not bothering to do it quietly. He put on a jumper and his shoes and left Gryffindor Tower. He walked aimlessly, he just needed to walk out the confusion. His feet led him towards the Astronomy Tower, a place he’d gone countless of times with his friends. He mumbled the tune of of a depressing Dusty Springfield song he didn’t know he knew. He climbed the infinite set of stairs and arrived to see possibly the best view at Hogwarts. He was so enthralled in his thoughts; he didn’t notice the silhouette sitting on the floor.

“Remus?” A familiar voice said. It was like thunder bringing him back to Earth. 

“Reggie, hi” Remus was shocked to see the younger Black smoking a set of strong muggle cigarettes. “Sorry, didn’t see you” 

“Yeah, I noticed”

“I should go, don’t want to bother you” Remus said. After all, Regulus had got there first. 

“No, stay you’re not bothering me” 

Remus looked down at Regulus and the ghost of Sirius’ half naked body haunted him. He shook his head, as if that would make the memory go away. He sat down, dangling his feet off the tower. Regulus handed him a cigarette, which he gratefully accepted. 

“Isn’t it a bit past your bedtime?” Regulus asked, lighting Remus’ cigarette with his wand. 

“Ha! Don’t you have to be stupid somewhere else?” 

“Not until nine” Regulus laughed. If you didn’t really know Sirius or Regulus, you would mistake them as the same person if it was for their laughter. Remus noticed, of course, how Regulus’ was a bit colder, it came out a bit more forced. Sirius’ laugh could light up the sun. He cursed himself silently for thinking about Sirius again. 

“What’s keeping you up?” Remus asked, taking a long drag of the cigarette and looking up at the stars. 

“What isn’t, is a better question. You?” Regulus leaned on his elbows and lit another cigarette. Remus noticed that the pack was almost empty, and how the wrapping of it was near. Regulus was too young to be chain smoking out of stress. 

“Your brother” Remus said honestly. Regulus gave him that knowing smile. It was the same Cassie wore every time they talked about Sirius or dating. 

“What’d the prick do now?” He mumbled, cigarette still on his lips. 

“Nothing. Caught him with Melinda, it was scarring” 

“He’s cheating on you?!” Regulus teased and Remus elbowed him, not so lightly. “No but really, he’s fucking that troll?” 

“Apparently” 

“He never did have very good taste, but Melinda is just awful. She spit on me once when I asked her for a quill” Regulus laughed, as if recalling the memory. 

“How’s your love life?” 

“Nonexistent, as it should be” 

“Why?” Remus asked laughing. Regulus waved a dismissive hand. 

“Apart from that…how’s my brother?” his eyes where suddenly full of concern. 

“He’s alright. Took him to Pomfrey when we got back in September” Regulus nodded, remembering how awful the day before term started had been. 

“I tried to look out for him, Remus. I swear I did. That day I talked to him and he promised he wouldn’t do anything stupid. But of course what’s a promise to Sirius Black?” Regulus put out his cigarette on the wood floor, looking momentarily angry. 

“It’s not his fault” Remus said defending his friend. 

“I didn’t say it was” Regulus snapped. “But Sirius knows our mother. He knows what will happen if he misbehaves. Every time he does something like that, he knows what the outcome will be. But he does it anyway.” 

Remus had nothing to say to that. After a few minutes of silence, Regulus switched the topic to a muggle book he’d been reading recently. They talked for a few more hours, until no cigarettes where left. But not once, did the image or better said, feeling, of Sirius with a girl leave Remus’ mind.


	11. Drinking and Feeling

“Are we ready!?” James beamed as he exited the bathroom. James adored Halloween… well, he adored dressing up. He was going as Elvis Presley, because he’d heard Lily fawn over the singer. Peter was going as a skeleton. Remus was going as David Bowie as Aladdin Sane, and Sirius was dressed up as Count Dracula. Sirius had complained about also wanting to be David Bowie for hours, but Remus would budge. He settled for making Remus do him a very dramatic black eyeliner. “We look fantastic!” 

“Yeah, yeah, let’s get on with it” Peter said. 

They walked to the Room of Requirement and Sirius was momentarily reminded that the last time he’d been there… he’d felt something. He’d felt something for Remus, he still didn’t know what it had been, but it had definitely been something. It was the same feeling he’d gotten on Remus’ bed that night he’d had a nightmare. 

The door appeared and James opened it, practically bouncing like a stag inside. He looked so happy, a literal ray of sunshine, that made Sirius forget about his confusing feelings. Peter went quickly to the bar, where Remus saw him drink an unholy amount of Firewhiskey. He spotted Cassie, who was dressed as a more modest Barbarella. 

“You look just like her!” Remus said grinning. 

“Well thank you” She grinned back, taking Remus by the arm and dragging him to the dance floor. The music was so loud, Remus felt like it was in his veins. They danced, with the other hundred people there. The time went by so fast, yet Remus could feel every second ticking away. Where these the golden years of his life? 

“Remus?” Cassie asked. There was a bit of a cloud on her usually radiant smile. 

“Yeah” 

“Look at your right, is Marlene looking at us?” Cassie asked. It was a strange request, but Remus turned. He was met with Marlene's soft green eyes. 

“Yeah, she’s looking. Why?” Cassie smiled, a smile that made Remus felt as if he was intruding in something private. 

“No reason” She shrugged, and continued dancing happily. 

After what felt like hours, Remus left the dance floor to get a drink. Cassie had stayed dancing with some of her Ravenclaw friends, even though Remus had a strange feeling that his friend wanted to dance with a certain Gryffindor blonde. 

“Moony!” Sirius yelled drunkenly. He had a bottle of Firewhiskey on his hand. Remus took it slyly and swung it towards his mouth. 

“Padfoot” he said, as the hot liquor passed his throat and settled heavily on his stomach. 

“Do not drink that Remus!” Lily Evans appeared out of thin air, grabbing the bottle out of his hand. “Come on!” she dragged Sirius and Remus towards the back of the room. The music was fainter here, and Sirius noticed some couples getting a bit carried away. James, Peter, Mary, Frank, Alice, Melinda and a few other Gryffindor students where sat on the floor, happily chatting about Merlin knows what. James eyes lit as he saw Lily. 

“Here it is!” She said, and plopped the bottle of liquor on the floor. “We’re playing say it or shot it” She explained to the new arrivals. Sirius sat down clumsily and happily. Remus did the same. The game started with harmless questions that made everyone laugh, and when everyone was a bit tipsy, Lily introduced them to the ‘dirty’ questions. 

“Mel, who’ve you slept with?” Lily asked, a giggle escaping her lips. She had a tint of a blush on her cheeks from all the alcohol. 

“Uhhh… man, I don’t remember half of them. There was Gideon, Anthony, Evan, Jake, Albert and…” Remus held his breath, was Sirius next? “That’s all I think” Remus looked over at Sirius, who was staring at the floor. 

“Evan?!” Lily exclaimed, utterly disgusted. 

“Don’t judge me Evans, he’s a charmer” 

“I can’t imagine” The dislike was evident on her face. 

“James, who’d you most like to kiss here?” Sirius asked. 

“Lily…but she’ll never love me” James looked close to crying and then. “So, I’d kiss all of you!” his smile was back. 

“Remus, first kiss?” Sirius asked. Remus’ blood went cold. His first kiss had happened a few months ago, during the summer. His neighborhood was full of kids around his age, they’d all been friends for years. Remus never liked them half as much as he liked his friends at school. But they did parties, or gatherings, just like this one. They secretly played a game of ‘spin the bottle’ and Remus had ended up having to kiss Avery March. He’d hated it. There was nothing wrong with her, actually out of all of the people at the party, she was the one Remus would’ve rather kissed. But it had felt wrong. When he arrived home, he’d brushed his teeth with soap and then toothpaste, to get the taste of her as removed from himself as possible. 

“I just realized I don’t know the answer to that” Peter said snapping Remus back into the present.

“Just a kid from back home, names Avery” Remus shrugged. 

“You never said” Sirius said, privately. 

“Not much to say about it” 

Sirius nodded and continued asking everyone obnoxiously private questions. 

When the clock ticked one in the morning, Remus stood up from their small ‘say it or shot it’ circle. His mind was a blur; he’d drank too much. Far too much. He saw Cassie pinned against a wall by Marlene, and swore it must have been the alcohol. He left for Gryffindor Tower slowly, each step felt like a mile. 

He arrived at his bed, still in full makeup, and fell asleep. He swore his pillow smelt like Sirius, even though that definitely wasn’t true. He embraced the pillow and tried to erase any thoughts of his friend. The thoughts of Sirius’ stormy eyes, and his beautiful lips, and his long black curls, and his smirks, and Sirius in his bed, and Sirius kissing him. The thoughts didn’t leave, and Remus stopped trying to avoid them. 

☾☾☾☾

“Three bloody days!” Sirius yelled as he arrived at the Great Hall for lunch. His birthday was in three days. The full moon was in three bloody days. 

“Remus, love, do you want an aspirin, or Pomfrey?” Lily asked. She was sat next to Remus, and couldn’t help but noticing how every time someone talked too loud he winced. She was reminded of that odd evening in September where Remus had looked slightly like this. 

“It’s fine… just tired” Remus said. It wasn’t a lie, thoughts of Sirius had been haunting him all week, making the nights endless and sleepless. His senses were heightened again, he felt, smelt, and heard almost everything. 

“You should probably go up to your room” Lily said softly. Remus was about to turn that down, when Sirius sat next to him. Their legs brushed and Remus felt butterflies everywhere. No, no no, why did that happen? He felt so tired, why did he have to deal with this?

“Yeah, I’m going” Remus said, standing up quickly and leaving. 

Sirius’ once joyful eyes were replaced with concern, as they trailed Remus out of the Great Hall. He frowned. Did he leave because of me? Sirius thought. James must have read Sirius’ face because he quickly whispered.

“Full moons in three days, and he’s probably hangover” 

“Oh, yeah” 

Sirius looked at the delicious food and suddenly none of it seemed to appetize him. He got that feeling of helplessness that overcame him once in a while. It wasn’t just Remus; it was himself too. Why was everything wrong? He recalled the other evening when he almost had sex with Melinda. 

He’d asked her on a ‘date’, which consisted of snogging in some abandoned classroom, a cupboard, and his dorm room. Sirius had kissed a ton of girls over the past three years, but he’d never felt like the rest of the boys in his grade. He’d never felt that love James felt for Lily, or the satisfaction Peter felt every time he kissed someone. Sirius had kissed all those girls to see if maybe the next one would feel right, but it never did. He felt nothing, he just felt a hollow sickness in his stomach and a numb heart. He’d let Melinda carry the situation, and as she stared to unzip his pants, he’d panicked. He pulled himself away from her, feeling as if he’d just been burnt badly. And that’s when Remus had come in. He’d never felt so relieved at being caught. But when he met his eyes, and they were full of questions and shock, Sirius had felt guilty. Of what? He still didn’t know. And then, there was Cassie. Remus had her arm around her waist, and she looked blushed, and she’d said they were in a cupboard…looking for an empty space. Was Remus about to do what he’d also been doing? Was Remus actually liking it? Who was that girl Remus had kissed? Did he like Cassie? Why did he even care about all of this? 

Just like Remus, the Great Hall overwhelmed Sirius with unwanted strange emotions, and he couldn’t bear it any longer. He stood up, maybe stormed, out of the Hall. What could make these thoughts go away? He could go for a run, but that really wouldn’t help. He could do homework, but he wouldn’t actually concentrate. He could get completely and utterly wasted, that always helped at home. There were really no objections to the alcohol, except maybe tomorrows throbbing headache and hangover, but that was a problem for future Sirius. 

Sirius walked quickly to his dorm, took his box of alcohol from the foot of his bed, James’ invisibility cloak, and walked out towards the Astronomy Tower. 

☾☾☾☾

“Sirius?” A clear voice asked. Sirius was honestly so drunk, he felt he was floating. “Sirius!” the voice said again. Sirius heard footsteps walk towards him, and then the moving of clothes. He felt stupid, he couldn’t remember getting there, he couldn’t remember what he was supposed to be doing, but he felt alright. “For fucks sake” 

The voice came into view, as a head full of black hair brushed his forehead. Regulus’ blue eyes where unmistakable, Sirius thought he’d know those eyes anywhere, no matter how drunk he was. Regulus looked older, older than Sirius, older than he was supposed to look. His blue eyes where full of worry, but they where harsh, they reminded Sirius slightly of his mother. His mother… if she only knew. If she really knew Sirius, she would probably kill him. If she knew who his friends were, if she knew… Remus. That’s why he was there, that’s why he was drunk. The feelings came up again, along with the vomit. 

“Oh wonderful” Regulus said, helping his brother into a seating position. He muttered a charm, to clean the vile. “Sirius!” he said again, slapping him slightly on the arm. 

“Sorry, Reg” Sirius said. Meaning every word, and more. Sirius wasn’t always a happy drunk. Tears flooded his eyes. “Sorry, sorry, for all of it” 

Regulus was a bit shocked, his family didn’t really show emotions. 

“I’m sorry too, Sirius. It’s fine” he said sincerely. Sirius started to sob lightly. Regulus thought he’d never seen him even tear up. Not after being called a million names, not after the Cruciatus Curse, not at anything. Sirius was the strongest person he knew. “Sirius it’s fine, don’t cry” he said, patting Sirius’ back. 

“No it’s not fine… everything’s wrong” he said drunkenly. 

“Merlin, Sirius, what am I going to do with you?” Regulus whispered at the ceiling. 

“Reg?” Sirius said, putting an arm around his younger brother. 

“Yeah, I'm here”

“Reg…” Sirius said, putting his head on Regulus’ shoulder and starting to sob uncontrollably. Regulus’ heart broke; he swore he heard it break. Sirius had never cried like that, and maybe that was the reason he broke down that day. Almost sixteen years without really sobbing… he was bound to break at some point. “I’m sorry” 

“Stop apologizing, you have nothing to apologize for” 

Sirius broke their embrace and shamefully looked at his brother. 

“Got a bit carried away with the booze…” Sirius said, still sounding like a lost pirate. 

“Yeah I noticed” Regulus laughed, that laugh that didn’t really reach his lungs. 

“What time is it?” 

“Eleven thirty” Regulus said, checking his watch. “Come on, I’ll take you to your dorm.” 

Sirius nodded and let his brother half carry him to Gryffindor Tower.

“Nemean” Regulus said when they arrived at the portrait door. 

“How’d you know” 

“A friend” Regulus answered, his breath coming out a bit hitched. They walked up the stairs and arrived to Sirius’ dorm, where he was greeted by James and Remus, who where playing chess. James stood up alarmed and walked to help Regulus hold Sirius. 

“Got black out drunk in the Astronomy Tower, the idiot” Regulus explained. 

“Why?! He did the same thing yesterday, I thought It’d been enough” James said, as he walked Sirius to his bed. 

“Dunno.” 

“Thanks Reg, he probably would have frozen if you hadn’t brought him back” Remus said. 

“Yeah, good thing I'm addicted to these” Regulus said, waving a pack of Marlboros. “Wouldn’t have gone up there otherwise” Remus laughed lightly, looking at Sirius. 

“What an idiot, he’ll have a headache tomorrow” 

“We Blacks are hangover proof” Regulus said “Sirius can take his alcohol” 

“Clearly” Remus said sarcastically. 

“I shit you not, I saw at least two bottles of empty Firewhiskey” 

“Oh God”

James eyed Regulus wearily, and so the younger boy felt like an intruder again. Remus made him forget he wasn’t really welcomed here. 

“Look out for him, will you” Regulus said, his worry evident. 

“Of course, we’ve been doing that since we met him” James said. “Thanks for bringing him” 

“I’ll walk you out” Remus said. Knowing how horrible Regulus would feel walking through a room full of Gryffindors. 

When they got to the portrait door Regulus lingered. 

“I think he needs to talk” Reg said to Remus. 

“He’s not very fond of talking about his feelings or problems” 

“Yeah I know, it’s a family thing” He smiled sadly at Remus. For a second wondering how his life would’ve turned out if he’d been sorted into Gryffindor. “He’s very lucky he got you guys as friends” 

“Hey, you got me as a friend too” 

Regulus rolled is eyes, but the smile that crept his face was real. 

“Make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit” Regulus said finally. Walking down the stairs. 

“Goodnight Reg”


	12. Falling In Love :p

“You have taken it too far this time” Professor McGonagall’s thin lips formed a frown as she looked down at four of her students. Remus, Sirius, Peter and James where sat next to each other, all looking down at their hands in a mix of shame and embarrassment. 

The marauders had gotten bored…for more than one hour, and decided to taunt the Slytherin boys. They had all sneaked into each dorm bathroom, and replaced their shampoos with Nair, a muggle cream for hair removal. The screams where heard even from Gryffindor Tower. Most Slytherins took their hair very seriously. Snape, being one of them, even if it didn’t look like it. He’d almost cursed James with a curse he’d made up, but luckily McGonagall arrived before it was too late. 

“There really was no true harm done, Professor” Sirius said, not being able to hide a small smirk. Some of his relatives where bald, it was better than Christmas. 

“Mr. Black, was this your idea?”

“Yeah”

“Professor, I assure you that he has a medical condition that stops him from thinking clearly” James interrupted. 

“We all did it” Said Peter, already dreading the hours of detention. 

“Detention for a week, starting tomorrow”

They exited McGonagall's office, a mix of triumph and disappointment in their veins. Sirius was grinning, he didn’t care about detention. James and Peter looked a little unhappier, and Remus stared at his friends with a knowing look. 

“Don’t” James said, seeing the look in Remus’ eyes.

“I told you it was a shitty idea, I told you we would get caught”

“Oh who cares it’s just a bit of detention” Sirius shrugged. 

“I regret it all, Merlin my mum is going to kill me. Fifth detention this year, and its November!”

“Oh Peter, don’t get all emotional, I don’t think she’ll kill you. Attempt to? Yes. But really do it… nah, she's a sweetheart” Sirius said, putting a hand on Peters shoulder. 

“You’re not helping, Pads” James said, coming to Peters’ aid. 

They walked back to Gryffindor Tower, Sirius grinning like an idiot. He loved birthdays, especially when they involved his family suffering in some way. He guessed they suffered without him having to do anything, his existence was already a burden. That thought shadowed his grin for a second. 

As they opened the portrait door, the entirety of Gryffindor House was waiting with trumpets, music, and a huge red velvet cake. 

“Happy Birthday, Black!” Lily yelled, a true smile on her face. She might not like his childish pranks or immature behavior, but there was no doubt she had a soft spot for Sirius. They had connected over troubled families in their fourth year, Lily had been crying over Petunia’s behavior, Sirius was the first person who ever understood. He understood what that felt like, and he comforted her like no one else could. She walked over and kissed him sloppily on the cheek, to James’ dismay. 

They sang Happy Birthday sixteen times, and ate almost all of the cake. The full moon was never left Sirius’ mind though. He looked over at a wincing Remus, who was trying his hardest to smile, but it just looked like a pained grimace. The noise and the overcrowded room, wasn’t doing him any good. A part of Sirius was shocked at his thinking, he cared more about Remus than himself. He’d always cared a lot about his friends, he would die for them in a heartbeat, he’d always known that. But these days he’d found that his love had taken a certain…maturity. He wanted Remus to be happy, he wanted the party to end, he wasn’t the happiest he could be if one of his friends was in pain. Even if it was his birthday, his day. Remus sipped slowly at a butterbeer, trying to let the warm sugary flavor heat his stomach. The only thing that he felt was vile coming up his throat and a sinking stomach. 

“Moony?” Sirius’ voice brought Remus back to the room he was in. All the other voices seemed faded. 

“Yeah?”

“We should get going” he said softly, taking Remus by the arm. 

“I’m sorry, you should stay, have fun” 

“I won’t have fun without you, we can party any other day. Come on” 

☾☾☾☾

The full moon had gone just as perfectly as the last one. Remus didn’t have a single new scratch and neither did his friends. Pomfrey still insisted on spending the night at the infirmary. Excusing Remus from his first detention. 

“Mr. Black, wake up Mr. Potter, will you?” McGonagall said in a motherly tone that was somewhat uncharacteristically of her. Sirius, Peter and James had been up all night, running and playing with the wolf, keeping him distracted from harming itself. They where almost as exhausted as Remus. 

“James…Jamesey… FLEAMONT!” Sirius yelled in his best friends’ ear. James jolted awake, almost falling off his chair. 

“What the hell?!” 

“Mr. Potter! Language!” McGonagall scolded half heartedly. 

“Sorry ma’am” James said, still asleep. 

“Did you just say ma’am?” Sirius said, laughing from deep in his stomach. McGonagall looked at the boys, and tried to hide a thins smile that was forming from the bottom of her heart. 

“You’re dismissed, boys. Same time tomorrow, remind Remus” 

“Yes Professor, good night” Sirius said, jumping up from is chair, walking as fast as he could out the door. The three of them were eager to get out and see Remus, some more than others. 

“How does he still have energy? It’s impressive” James said to Peter, voice raspy from lack of sleep.

“I know mate, he had a two-day hangover and then pulled an all nighter. He’s on acid or something” Peter said, his under-eye bags where starting to look like bruises. November had started with almost no sleep. Sirius was bouncing on his was to the infirmary, and when they were half way through, he walked straight into the person he was looking for. 

“Moony! We said we would go look for you” He said questioningly. He put his hands around Remus arms, at first to steady himself, and then he felt like he should keep them there for a while. 

“Yeah well I was going mad looking at the ceiling.” Remus said.

“Do you feel alright?” James asked 

“I could use a butterbeer” Remus said with a half smile. 

“Yeah, enjoy your last minutes of freedom. McGonagall missed you today” Peter said with a frown. 

They left for the Three Broomsticks, like they did every month. 

“I really should contact Dumbledore, about you four” Rosmerta said, as she walked towards the boys with four butterbeers. 

“Oh but you wont, you love us too much” 

“I love your paychecks, I can’t deny that” Rosmerta said, putting a hand on her curvy waist. 

“That hurt me Rosmerta, and here I was thinking I had a chance with you” Sirius said cheekily. 

“Oh Merlin, please have mercy on me” She said, looking at the ceiling. She left to a fit of laughter from all the boys. 

The night wore on, and the boys were all tired, but neither wanted to leave the cozy booth at the bar. Their eyelids where almost closing, but the sleepiness made everything seem ten times funnier, it felt like a dream. Sirius could hear the noise of the bar, as if it was kilometers away, the only sound that was near him was the voices of his three friends. 

“If McGonagall knew…” Peter said with a worried expression. 

“Oh stop thinking about school for one minute, Wormtail” Sirius said. As much as he loved Hogwarts, he didn’t want to worry about homework and teachers and getting in trouble. 

James was falling asleep. He had an elbow on the table, with his head resting on it. Remus looked at him with slight concern. 

“We should probably get going” Remus said. Just in that second, Rosmerta stood on top of a table and put her wand to her throat, muttering a speaking charm. 

“Ladies and gentlemen…and boys” She said, looking at the booth the marauders were sat at. “Please welcome Clarisse Bergman” the entire pub sparked with applause as a tall woman with gorgeous afro hair took Rosmerta’s place. Remus hadn’t noticed how full the pub was, until then. The woman wore orange bell bottoms with a floral printed shirt, very muggle like. She had huge gold hoop earrings, and her hair was adorned with small flowers that matched her outfit. Her skin seemed darker than the night. The four boys where enchanted by her beauty, and Remus wondered if she was a Veela. 

“Hi…” she said a bit shyly, clearing her throat. “So uhh… today I’ll be singing a few songs from the sixties… so this is the first one” She suddenly had an acoustic guitar on her arms, and started playing a soft melodic pattern that Remus instantly recognized. His mother played it on repeat sometimes, whenever she felt under the weather. He remembered watching her sit near the record player for hours, just staring at the window with a melancholic expression. Remus wondered what was it about that song that made her so sad, for him, it had always been beautiful. 

“Wise men say  
Only fools rush in   
But I can’t help falling in love with you   
Shall I stay?  
Would it be a sin   
If I can’t help falling in love with you?” 

The woman had the most spectacular voice any of the boys had ever heard, Remus realized that this was his first ‘concert’. He stared at the woman, wondering if she’d ever been in love, he looked around the pub, wondering the same thing with each person. 

“Like a river flows  
Surely to the sea  
Darling, so it goes  
Some things are meant to be

Take my hand  
Take my whole life too  
For I can't help falling in love with you” 

After scanning the entire pub Remus’ eyes landed on his friends. He felt a tug at his heart, something that felt like love when he looked over at Sirius. It was the feeling he’d gotten when they played David Bowie in the Room of Requirement or the feeling he got when they shared a bed in late September, but multiplied by a hundred. His heart literally hurt, and his face did something like become pale and blushed at the same time.

Was he in love with Sirius? Oh shit. Oh no. Oh bloody bloody shit. He couldn’t be in love with his best friend, he couldn’t be in love with a man! Was he gay? What the fuck!? 

To say that Remus panicked, is a severe understatement. He didn’t understand anything. What was he supposed to do with feelings like these? The singer continued the song, but Remus no longer heard it. He could only hear his panicked thoughts and the screaming that was going on inside his head.

Not Sirius, not Sirius. Anyone but Sirius! God, why him? Why his best friend? Remus loved their friendship, he couldn’t ruin that. Would James and Peter hate him? Was he gay? How would he come out? He obviously wasn’t gay? He liked girls, obviously? Yes, he liked girls… he liked girls like… Remus couldn’t remember ever being in love with a girl, the dawning of that thought sent cold blood all over him. There had to be someone, there had to be a girl he found attractive. But… he kind of liked Sirius. He loved his black hair and stormy eyes, and those cheekbones and the tiny, almost invisible freckles that sparked his cheeks like constellations, and his lips… oh Lord his lips!

No! He didn’t love Sirius… of course he didn’t, they were friends, he loved him…as friends. Right? It was normal for friends to love each other. But he didn’t love Sirius like he loved James and Peter. 

The deepest part of Remus’ heart knew he was in love with Sirius, he knew he liked him as more than a friend. There really was no questioning or denying, the heart chose what it wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is "Can't Help Falling In Love" by Elvis Presley (obviously)


	13. Kissing Without Too Much Feeling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pulling on your heart to push my luck  
> Cause who's got any time for growin' up?  
> Kiss me on the mouth...  
> Kiss me on the mouth...  
> Kiss me, kiss me on the mouth and set me free

“Hey!” James says entering their dorm room. Sirius is sat at the edge of his bed, with a letter in his hand and a cigarette in the other. His eyes are redder than usual, and if you looked very closely, you could see tear trails down his cheeks. His eyes got almost transparent when he cried, James had noticed this and how they never really looked sad, just angry and resentful. His smile faded instantly. “What’s that?” Sirius rolled his eyes and brushed them with the back of his hands quickly. He put the piece of parchment upside down and avoided looking at James. 

“Lovely card from Walburga” Sirius said full of sarcasm. He always got bitter or reckless after getting something from home. Last year, Sirius had gotten a tattoo after Walburga told him he couldn’t see James again. James was all against it at first, but Remus and Peter were strong supporters. It was a small roaring lion in his rib cage with the initials J, R, P next to it. James loved it so much he considered getting a matching one, but his mother would kill him. 

“What’d she say?” James asked, frowning. 

“Doesn’t really matter” Sirius shrugged. “I hate her so much, James” his voice sounded strained and it broke a little at the end. James sat quickly next to him and put a comforting arm around his shoulders. 

“It’ll be over soon” was all James could say, they had two and a half more years at Hogwarts and then the world was waiting for them. “And we’ll get a flat in the tallest building in London, and we’ll be bloody aurors and who knows maybe we’ll catch that old bat doing something illegal and we’ll have the honor of locking her up in Azkaban till she rots” Sirius laughed, smiling at the thought. 

“We’re terrible people” Sirius said, realizing that after all she was his mother. 

“Meh. She’s worse”

“She said I needed to go home for Christmas and a bunch of shit” 

“Mmm… Merlin, I hate that woman” James said. He didn’t really hate anyone, but Walburga Black did something in him. She made his blood boil. 

The dorm room door opened to reveal a grinning Remus Lupin and Cassie Abernathy. They were speaking hurriedly about some muggle celebrity scandal that had just occurred. Remus smile fainted a little when he saw Sirius, James, and the letter that was turned upside down at his side. 

“Hey Cas!” James smiled. Sirius faked a small smile for the two of them. Cassie looked up at Remus, silently asking if maybe she should leave the room, but Remus walked right in. 

“I’m gonna use the bathroom” Cassie said a little awkwardly. Remus smiled at her and walked towards Sirius

“Alright?” he asked, concerned. Remus felt like he was always concerned about something these days. 

“Letter from home, it’s fine” Sirius explained. Remus sat down next to Sirius and waited for Cassie to come out. He nudged Sirius trying to say ‘sorry that your mums shit’. He instantly regretted it as sparks and warmth spread all through his side. 

“So…where you and Cassie looking for an empty space? You should go back to the broom closet” Sirius said with a smirk. Remus rolled his eyes and James laughed.

“Very funny, we’re just friends will you ever drop it?” 

Cassie came out quickly and sat opposite to the boys. As she leaned to the side, a trail of love bites where more than visible in the pale afternoon light. Her skin and hair were so white that any bruise or mark looked highlighted. James eyes widened as he looked at Remus. He’d always believed Remus when they said they were just friends…but now? Sirius almost choked on his own saliva. 

“What?” Cassie asked.

“Remus say that again?” Sirius said questioning. 

“It was not me! Cassie your neck” Remus explained. Cassie burst out laughing. 

“You think it was him?!” Cassie looked at James and Sirius, they just stared back. “You think I would let a man touch me like this?!” She was grinning with irony. James looked utterly confused. 

“Well…yeah” 

“Of course not! That’s outrageous! Remus why do your friends think I'm straight?” 

Truly, Remus hadn’t known that Cassie was a lesbian until yesterday. He’d also spotted the love bites and questioned her about it. He’d always been too oblivious to notice it. Of course, she’d fawned over Marlene since third year, but Remus had just assumed girls talked about their friends like that. 

“Cassie, I didn’t know either until yesterday” 

“I thought it was obvious” 

“It wasn’t…but now that I think about it I do see it” James said nodding his head, deep in thought. “Is that why you have that muggle girl on literally all your notebooks, she your girlfriend?” Cassie furrowed her eyebrows and looked over at Remus. 

“He means Cher” 

“Ah” Remus said and burst out laughing. 

“So you’re a lesbian?” Sirius asked 

“Gayer than the rainbow” And when she realized they probably wouldn’t understand that muggle expression. “Yes absolutely”

“So you don’t like men? Like at all?” 

“Yes, Sirius, that’s what lesbian means” Remus said. 

“Nice” he said, with a true smile now. 

☾☾☾☾

The thought of Cassie only liking girls, stuck to Sirius like super glue. She was the first person Sirius had met that didn’t like someone of the opposite gender. He was reminded of the muggle film Remus had been watching and of David Bowie. He’d never thought much of sexuality until then. He’d never really fallen in love with someone, and the attraction he’d sometimes felt was vague. While he was lying awake in the middle of a cold November night, he thought deeply on all the options. He would, without a seconds’ doubt, kiss David Bowie. But it was David Bowie, any straight man would want to kiss David Bowie. Could he be gay? His eyes trailed around the room until they landed on Remus’ closed curtained bed. He’d kiss Remus, he wouldn’t mind that in the slightest. He would probably kiss James too…but not like Remus. He would kiss James in a dare or jokingly as friends, no meaning attached. 

Sirius stood up and walked quietly to Remus’ bed, opening the curtains to find exactly what he knew he would find. Remus was sat down, with his wand raised to a book for light. 

“Would you kiss David Bowie?” Sirius asked, sitting down next to Remus, with no doubt interrupting his much interesting read. He was confident that Remus wouldn’t judge his weird question. Remus chuckled and set the book down. 

“Yes, why?” he said, without thinking. 

“No reason just wondering. What are you reading?” 

“A book” 

“No shit” he said, grabbing the black covered book. “Ah this is the one I recited in the common room, isn’t it?” 

“Yeah” 

“I’ve never seen you take so long on a single book” 

“I’m reading it again” 

“It’s that good?” Sirius asked with eyebrows raised. 

“I just wanted to read it again, new perspective” 

“You read it two months ago” 

“Yeah… well time is relative” 

“No it isn’t” 

“Yes it is, a mere illusion” Remus said, speaking blubberish. 

“You read too much, Moony” 

“Maybe you read too little” 

“There’s no such thing” Sirius said indignantly. 

“There is such thing, your IQ proves it” 

“Did you just call me stupid?”

“So what if I did?” Remus asked with a slight smirk. Sirius raised his eyebrows and looked at his friend. Every time he looked at Remus his heart seemed to speed up, and he was suddenly aware of their closeness. The air seemed to be thinner whenever Remus was around. Sirius wondered what exactly was that feeling. 

“I hate you sometimes” Sirius said smiling and looking away. 

“Shut up, you love me” 

He did. Sirius loved all his friends. He felt love for them so deeply that it sometimes scared him. He hadn’t felt loved until he met James, Remus and Peter. The feelings where more than returned. He’d become and animagus for Remus, Remus showed him David Bowie. The love he put into the world, was always returned. 

“You have no idea, Johnny” Sirius said with a smile. Remus hated being called by his middle name, but not it if was Sirius. He still pretended to get mad about it, though. Remus rolled his eyes and laid back, stretching his sore back. There were a few minutes of comfortable silence, when both thought about everything and nothing at all. 

“Would you kiss Bowie?” Remus asked after a while. 

“Fuck yeah, who wouldn’t?” 

There was another silence again, they were both becoming more tired and the thoughts that came weren’t exactly sharable. Remus wondered if Sirius would kiss him and Sirius wondered if that made him gay. 

“Can I stay here?” Sirius secretly liked everyone’s bed better than his own. Remus’ was cozier and is bed sheets always smelt weirdly like chocolate and lavender. James’ bed was always warm and Peters’ was the softest one. Besides, they all came with another person and comfort. Sirius hated being alone and sleeping alone was always a difficult task. 

“Yeah” Remus said sleepily. 

Sirius got inside the covers and stared at the ceiling. He wanted to kiss Remus… no, he wanted Remus to kiss him. Was it weird? Did Remus think it was weird they where sleeping together? Now he couldn’t fall asleep because he was anxious about all of these things. Remus put his wand silently on the bedside table and pulled the covers to his chin, facing Sirius. 

“Aren’t you tired?” Remus asked noticing how Sirius looked wide awake. 

“Yeah but I don’t know… much to think about” 

“Like what?” Sirius felt guilty because most of the thoughts that where keeping him awake involved Remus, so he couldn’t really tell him. 

“Everything I don’t know” Sirius said, switching to his side to look at Remus. 

“You do know; you just don’t want to tell me” Remus said smiling knowingly.

“Very wise Moonald” 

Sirius could feel Remus’ breath on his cheek, and it was taking all his willpower not to lean over and kiss him. Of course he would never do it, that would ruin their entire friendship and everything, but… what if it didn’t? Remus watched Sirius’ eyes trail along his face, he suddenly felt exposed. His eyes settled on his lips for a second, just long enough for Remus to notice it, and then they switched the long scars on his cheek. Remus felt like a cell under a microscope, but strangely he didn’t feel the need to look away. After all, he was looking at Sirius the same way. He looked at his long black eyelashes and the small scar he had below his eye, how no one would notice it unless they where looking for it. He looked at his lips for a minute, you could see a small bump on his bottom lip, where he chewed on whenever he was nervous, his lips always seemed unrealistically smooth with a faint pink. Remus felt too embarrassed of noticing all this things, and quickly looked away, at the small space between Sirius’ shoulder and the red curtain. But he could still feel Sirius’ eyes on him, so he defiantly looked back. Straight in the eye, it took all of Remus’ willpower not to look away. 

“If I kissed you right now, would you run away?” Sirius asked softly, his voice not as confident as it usually was. Remus’ heart did a flip; could a heart feel this way? Was it normal? Sirius was so anxious he felt his lip quiver and hands twitch slightly. 

“You’re gonna have to try it to find out” Remus said with a small smile, his heart was having an anxiety attack. 

Sirius doubtingly raised a hand to Remus’ cheek, he traced the longest scar he had gently, before placing his long fingers on Remus’ jaw. The bed sheets swooshed as Sirius moved a little. He was millimeters from closing the distance between their lips. He felt Remus’ top lip brush his skin and he heard his heart beat louder than a metal band at a festival. In those seconds he thought about everything. Was this kiss another meaningless one? Did he just want to experience something? Sirius knew that the answer for both of those questions was no, but it was difficult to accept that he was in love with his best friend. 

Remus couldn’t take it any longer, his heart was exploding and his brain was empty, he closed the distance impulsively. Giving Sirius a small peck on the lips that made his mind go insane. He pulled back and stared into Sirius’ eyes, asking a million things that he didn’t have the courage to say. Sirius closed the distance this time, kissing Remus a bit rough. Remus did the same, he curved his entire body towards Sirius and put a hand on the corner where his jaw met his neck. He was full of need, he needed to feel loved, he needed Sirius. 

That was the moment Sirius knew, he knew for sure, definitely, the most certain and clear thing he’d ever known. He was gay. A kiss was supposed to feel like this? He’d been missing out more than he knew. Even though every part of him was touching Remus, he still didn’t feel close enough. Sirius understood the love songs now, when they talked about preferring death over never feeling a kiss again, this was what they meant. Remus’ hand was on his hair, and he was using his other elbow to stand up a little. Sirius never wanted it to end, he wanted to keep this feeling in his heart forever. He wanted Remus, he loved Remus so much that it hurt. It physically hurt. In that moment, Sirius forgot everything, his name, who he was, who he was supposed to be, the future, the past. There was only Remus. 

As much as Remus had only ever kissed one person, he was the one that lead Sirius. He’d never seen Sirius so unconfident and shy, yet willing. He felt as though both of their hearts where feeling the same thing. But Sirius had only asked for a kiss, and Sirius was straight, and he was also straight, and they where only friends, and James and Peter where in the room, and there where too many butterflies in his stomach, and he wasn’t thinking clearly, and he was in love with Sirius Black. Remus stopped the kiss quickly, and laid back down. Sirius reached out for a second, eyes still closed. Remus’ lips felt numb, with a million ants around them, his chest was warm and fuzzy and the butterflies in his stomach where making it difficult to breathe. 

What the fuck had just happened? Remus’ didn’t know what to say and Sirius’ mind was blank. Remus turned to his side and closed his eyes, trying his best to fall asleep. All he could think about was Sirius, and his lips and how his mouth tasted like mint. He felt like crying, he wanted to cry, but at the same time was so happy that he could’ve lit up the sun. Sirius did the same thing, his thoughts not too different from Remus’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is Bite by Troye Sivan <3


	14. Bad Decisions

After that kiss, nothing seemed right. Sirius’ body felt uncomfortable, his skin too tight his heart too fast. It felt like his own skeleton was trying to get out. He spent the days trying to avoid Remus, and at the same time trying to make it happen again. Everything about them kissing had felt slightly wrong in his overthinking mind, but his heart and body told him otherwise. He pictured his mother, using all the unforgivables if she where to ever find out. In the moment they’d been kissing Sirius had known he was gay, there really could be no other way, but now that his lips where lonely and he could think straight, the possibilities were endless. Sirius had never had a trace of homophobia in his mind, not even as a child, he simply did not care what other people did. But now that he had to care, because it was himself, he didn’t know how to feel. It obviously wasn’t wrong…but he couldn’t be gay?

One snowy December evening, Sirius satin the common room. Next to the heartwarming fire, just staring blankly at it. His thoughts the usual, his mother, he couldn’t be gay, but Remus, Remus’ mouth, Remus’ mouth on his… he shouldn’t be thinking about his best friend like that. James was at Quidditch practice with Peter and Remus was… he didn’t actually know. They hadn’t stopped speaking; they just simply didn’t talk directly to each other or were ever in the same room alone anymore. Sirius felt like Remus was oblivious to everything, he acted as if nothing had happened, meanwhile he felt like he was about to drown in his own thoughts. 

“Why the frown, Siri?” an overly girly voice said from behind. Oh, how he hated being called Siri. He looked up from the firepit to find Lucinda May’s brown eyes looking at him with something that felt like an attempt at a seductive, yet comforting look. He forced a smile as she sat down too close to him. “This snow always gets me sad too” 

“I love the snow” Sirius said, rather dryly. 

“Just because it makes me sad doesn’t mean that I don’t love it” She said, and Sirius had to admit that what she’d just said was extremely wise and relatable. The songs he listened to the most made him sad, and the people that he loved always made him cry at one point or the other. 

“Yeah… yeah you’re right.” 

“So…you good?” She asked, patting his leg and then leaving the hand there. Sirius eyed the hand and tried not to flick it away. He hated how it felt, it was too heavy too close to his waist. 

“Yeah, fine. Just tired I guess…late night” He said, truthfully. He was afraid to fall asleep because of the nightmares, but at the same time didn’t want to be awake because of the constant thoughts of sexuality and Remus and everything else that was more complicated than it should be. 

“Yeah…so, I was wondering” Lucinda said, and Sirius could already anticipate what was coming next. Girls always seemed to want something out of him. “Is your dorm empty?” 

If he only had the courage to talk like that to Remus, he sighed and shook away the thoughts of him. 

“Yeah”

Almost half an hour later, Sirius was becoming sick to his stomach. Lucinda’s hands where everywhere, they had covered Sirius’ body in weeds that he needed to pluck out. His body felt uncomfortable, to the point where he thought he might cry. But he didn’t stop her, he didn’t even try to. He just kissed her harder and closed his eyes until all he could see was abysmal black. She tasted like sweet toothpaste and lipstick. Sirius hated it, he hated all of it, himself most of all. He let Lucinda do whatever she wanted and when she put his hand on her breast, Sirius had to stop for a second to not flinch and run away. He panted heavily as his breath tightened and his blood turned cold, and before the thoughts could taunt him again, he closed the distance and pictured Remus’ face. 

☾☾☾

Remus was walking around the grounds, waiting for Quidditch practice to be over so he could study with James and Peter. He traced the old concrete walls with his fingers, not minding the freezing cold that was making them turn slightly purple. He liked being alone at Hogwarts, it felt like being in a haunted mansion that felt as safe as your own skin. As he walked, thoughts came and went with each step, each one more unpredictable and sudden than the last. They ranged from space, to Sirius, to his mother, to the book he’d been reading, to Lily and James, to Peter and his weird behavior, to his sexuality, to Cassie, to the Whomping Willow, to the pain on his ribs, to Sirius’ grey eyes and his rosy lips, to the butterflies in his stomach. He let them all come and go, because he was so tired of neglecting and not accepting what his heart and mind were concerned about. 

He’d been dreading the upcoming holiday, since his father had asked him to come home. His mother was depressed, and he wanted Remus to ‘cheer her up’. He loved his parent, faults and all, but seeing his mother in that state only made him want to crawl in a pit and never see the light of day again. There was truly nothing sadder than seeing a mother sad. Selfishly, Remus wanted to go somewhere like the Potters, where things always seemed to be fine. Where you didn’t exactly live in ignorance, but you could always see the brighter side of things. 

He didn’t know how to feel about the Sirius situation. He already knew he was somewhere in the queer spectrum, but that wasn’t what was bugging him at all. It was the fact that he was in love with his, very straight, best friend. But then…Sirius had kissed him back; Sirius had asked for the kiss. Did friends kiss each other like that? Sirius probably had just wanted to see how it felt to kiss a guy, no feelings. But then… Remus didn’t think he could function much longer without another kiss. He felt like he’d had a taste of heaven, and he needed it again. Was he angry at Sirius for making him kiss him, and then never intending on doing it again? He was a bit angry, if he was being honest, he didn’t want to be another number in Sirius’ kiss list. Maybe he was angry. Did Sirius see him as a disposable late-night kiss? The more he thought about it, the more complicated his emotions became and the more he wanted to escape his own mind. 

As he rounded the corner before exiting the grounds, he bumped face first with Severus Snape and two of his Slytherin friends. 

“Watch it Lupin, with those senses I’d expect you to at least notice when someone’s around” he said harshly. His large nose seemed to be mocking Remus and as he watched all that hate on Severus face, his anger multiplied. What was their problem? Why did they care about blood status? It didn’t make sense, at all, not in the slightest. Why did they have so much hate in their hearts? It made Remus both angry and sad, to think that the world was so full of hate. 

“Shut up Snivellus, you might just end up regretting what you say”

“What are you gonna do, bite me?” He said with a smirk that made his face look so ugly, that just because of that, Remus felt like hurting him.

Without thinking too much, or at all really, Remus flung his arm as harsh as he could and made it collide with Severus’ nose. The momentum made Snape struggle to keep standing, he clenched his nose as a waterfall of blood trailed down his neck and into his robes. Remus tried his hardest not to smile. The heat of the moment, making him oblivious to his bleeding knuckles.

“You bloody!” Severus was so angry Remus didn’t understand what came after that, the Slytherin made what seemed like a ravenous animal sound. 

He raised his wand, and the two others did the same. Remus hadn’t thought of that outcome. In his head, Severus would run away like the little pussy he was, or James and Peter would finish Quidditch and come to his rescue. Of course, neither happened and Remus was stuck having to duel three wizards at the same time. He ran as he did so, because what else was there to do? He used all the spells he could think of, hitting only one boy in the meantime. One of Severus’ curses hit him in the arm, and a pain like being struck by lightning spread through his body. He kept muttering spells and running, and praying for someone to help him. His vision was blurring, and when he cached a glimpse of his hand, he saw red veins of what seemed like deep paper cuts. The world spun, and he run in slow motion. Another curse hit his leg and everything faded. 

☾☾☾

Remus opened his eyes to the blinding white lights of the infirmary. James was pacing anxiously while Peter looked almost teary eyed. 

“Madame Pomfrey! He’s up” 

With Poppy, came Professor McGonagall. James was at his bed in half a second. 

“It was that slimy git wasn’t it? I swear I’m gonna rip his face off” James said, his tone was angry and Remus was reminded that while James was possibly one of the kindest and nicest people he’d ever met, he got a bit protective sometimes. 

“Mr. Potter!” McGonagall looked outraged. 

“Yes! I’m surprised he isn’t here whining about how I broke his nose. Should’ve seen him though, looked even uglier than usual” Remus said hurriedly to James and Peter, not caring the teacher at the floor of his bed. 

“What happened? I saw Oscar being carried, bridal style, by Snape into the dungeons. Wish I’d taken a picture, it was a sight” Cassie’s blonde head appeared at his right side, with a mischievous grin.

“Really? I don’t remember what curse I used I was a bit delirious I think” Remus said reminiscing on his previous duel. 

“Students!” McGonagall yelled. The entire group looked at her wide eyed, as if they’d been seeing her for the first time. “Mr. Lupin, will you please explain to me what happened. You were hit with some serious bit of dark magic” she said with pursed lips and worried eyes. 

“Were the hells Sirius?” James asked Peter. 

“I dunno, you said you would look for him” 

“I said, you should look for him” 

“Well, that’s not what I heard” 

“I’ll go!” Cassie said stopping their immature bickering. 

“Remus?” McGonagall said, a bit impatiently now.

“Ugh right. So I was just walking, accidentally bumped into Snivellus” 

“Mr. Snape?” McGonagall interrupted. 

“Yeah, Snivellus. So… he said something and I said that he should watch what he said and then he said ‘what are you gonna do, bite me?” Remus said in his best impression of Snape, that made Peter fall of his chair laughing. “So, I punched him, and then I realized that I was outnumbered so I started running and dueling at the same time, because they were just hitting me with the dictionary of curses and then Snape hit me in the arm and I started seeing tiny stars and then I hit Oscar, or whatever his name is, and then he hit me again and I guess I fainted” 

“You almost died, dude” James said wide eyed. Remus drew in a shaky breath, had death really been so close?

“Well almost dying was extremely disappointing, I can tell you that. If Snape would’ve killed me, I would’ve killed myself” Remus said and James agreed. Peter looked horrified. “what would’ve been my cause of death?” he asked no one in particular. 

“You were bleeding out” Peter said, remembering how corpse like Remus had looked just a few hours ago. His body was whiter than a sheet of paper, and his blood looked weirdly faded, as if it was transparent. His eyes had been closed and his face relaxed, like he was merely sleeping. 

“That’s rather boring” Remus said frowning. He was trying to be more like James and look at the brighter side of things. He hadn’t died so there really was nothing wrong. 

“I should get Severus expelled for this” Pomfrey said shaking her head. 

“Please don’t do it before I can get back at him” James said. “Promise I won’t kill him”

“Remus how are you feeling?” Pomfrey asked, putting the back of her hand to his temple. 

“Fantastic” He said a bit sarcastic. He was feeling the absence of a certain stormy eyed boy. What was he doing that was so important? 

“You can go back to your dorm or spend the night here; however you want dear” The nurse said 

“I’ll go back to the dorm… can I go now?” Remus sat up and the world spun again, an echo of the pain he’d felt resonated through his body. His abdomen was on fire and he felt like he might’ve puked if he’d had food in his system. James looked at him concernedly and Peter grabbed his left arm, making sure he was outing some of his body weight on him. 

“Come back tomorrow morning for a checkup” Pomfrey said, handing him a sleeping potion. 

“I’ll walk with you” McGonagall said, secretly wanting to protect the three of them. 

They were halfway to Gryffindor Tower when an almost running Sirius Black and Cassie Abernathy bumped into them. Sirius put a hand on Remus’ arm and he tried to flick it away as nicest as possible. The hickeys on Sirius’ neck, his wild hair, and his unbuttoned collar made Remus sick, he remembered the thoughts he’d been having earlier today.

“Are you ok? What happened?” Sirius asked, wide eyed. McGonagall looked between the, and then at James, wondering what to do exactly. 

“Fine, it was really nothing” 

“We really should get going” McGonagall said, as an awkward silence settled between them. Remus walked faster, next to his teacher and Cassie, wanting to escape Sirius as best as he could.


	15. Going Away

Sirius had taken to transforming into Padfoot, and chasing around Filch’s ugly cat, Mrs. Norris. During the nights where he couldn’t sleep, he’d run through the Hogwarts grounds, taking in the glory and peacefulness of the castle. Plus, when he was a dog he really didn’t think about his human problems. There was no Remus, no Lucinda, no Walburga, nothing.

The cat screeched and jumped on old armor suits, or portraits, making them scream. On some nights, the ghosts bet on how fast Padfoot would catch Mrs. Norris. He never did anything to it, but it was fun. 

It was the last week before the break, and he was trying to live up every second, because for the next few weeks he wouldn’t have a single ounce of peace of mind. He walked around, barking at ghosts and looking for Mrs. Norris, on his way to the kitchens. 

“What the fuck is a dog doing here?” Someone’s harsh arrogant voice said. Sirius couldn’t place who’s it was yet, but he knew he didn’t like them. 

“Dunno, it’s probably a stray…or it could be a teacher’s pet or something” That voice he knew, Peter Pettigrew’s voice was a sound that was marked into his brain like the back of his hand. He was his best friend, after all. He looked up to find the unremarkable face of Mulciber. A shiver went through Padfoot’s body. What the hell was Wormtail doing with someone like him? What was Peter doing with someone that had allegedly attacked him on the train back to school? Mulciber was a Slytherin, one very bloody into the dark arts, at that. He reminded Sirius of family members, that made him uneasy. With the upcoming war talk, Sirius was weary of everyone he didn’t trust. He would bet on Mulciber following through the supremacist side. Padfoot walked over to Peter and started whining a little, just to see what exactly he would do. 

“Do you know it?” Mulciber asked, accusingly. 

“No!” Peter said, too quickly. 

Padfoot quickly put himself next to Peter’s shoe, raised a back leg, and peed on him. A smile on his furry face. 

“EW!” Peter said, half apologetic. Padfoot trotted happily back to Gryffindor Tower, a bunch of questions flooding his mind.

When he arrived at his dorm, back in human form, he found James wide awake. So, he put on pajamas and sat on his bed, closing the curtains and muttering a silencing charm so Remus would be unbothered. He stared at James with ‘you have no idea what I just saw’ eyes. 

“What?” James asked after a minute, looking skeptical. 

“Our dear Peter was in a hidden corridor with no other than bloody Mulciber” he said dramatically. 

“Why would Peter be with him?”

“That’s what I’m saying”

“Sirius, what exactly are you saying?” James said a bit irritably. Sirius’ judgment got the better of him sometimes, and James hated it when he thought the worst of people. 

“I’m not saying anything. I’m just saying that it’s weird, he said Mulciber had attacked him in September, and today they looked like old pals”

“Maybe they were just…I don’t know. Did Peter look alright? Maybe Mulciber was-.” James was about to finish his sentence when the dorm room door opened harshly, and closed back with a loud bang. 

“WHAT THE HELL SIRIUS?” Peter yelled, annoyed. James looked at his best friend with a ‘what did you do?’ face and then opened the curtain. Remus had done the same, looking unimaginably tired, but intrigued. Peter’s brown pants were darker around his ankle, a half circle looked wet. Peter was red in the face. 

“What?” Sirius asked. 

“YOU PEED ON ME!?” Peter continued to yell. Remus threw his head back in laughter, and James tried to conceal his smile.

“Oi, stop yelling!” Sirius yelled

“NO!” but then “What the fuck Sirius?” he said, in a whisper talk now. 

“What the hell were you doing with Mulciber?” 

“He was giving me these you absolute dickhead” Peter said angrily, showing a pack of cigarettes. They had a witch’s hat in the middle, Sirius’ mother smoked those. Highly expensive and highly disgusting. 

“That’s disgusting”

“What’s disgusting is that YOU PEED ON ME!” Remus was still laughing, as he closed his curtain to sleep again. 

“Sorry I peed on you Wormtail. Ask me or Mary for cigarettes not that asshole” Sirius said.

James gave Peter an apologetic look and muttered a cleaning spell on him. Sirius climbed back into James’s bed and pulled up the covers, happily falling asleep. 

☾☾☾

“Are you staying for the holidays?” Sirius asked Remus. They were having lunch, three days before leaving. School hadn’t been so exhausting this semester, they’d just been reviewing for the OWLs next semester. 

“No” Remus said, without looking up. 

“Oh, thought you were”

“Are you coming over some day?” James asked, usually he would know if they were coming way earlier, but everyone seemed to dread talking about holidays this year.

“No, definitely not. Fucking Walburga won’t let me do anything” Sirius said, stabbing a vegetable with his fork harsher than was necessary. 

“Moony?” James asked hopefully. 

“Eh, no. Wish I could but no” 

“Why?” Sirius pressed. They weren’t talking much yet, and Remus felt slightly annoyed every time he was addressed. 

“Mum’s sick” 

“Oh, sorry. Is she alright?” Sirius asked 

“No, she’s sick” Remus said a bit harshly. Sirius looked down at his food, embarrassed. 

“Owl me if you, or her, ever need anything” James said. “Mum’s a pretty good nurse” he offered. Remus smiled at him, hoping that he could say that no spells or potions or anything like that could cure that kind of illness. He made a mental note of asking Cassie about it, though. 

“Thanks” he said, moving around the mash potatoes, his appetite leaving. “I’m gonna go up to the dorm, not feeling well” 

Remus walked to the library instead, knowing that Cassie would probably be there. She’d been very busy with Marlene lately. But he got lucky and found her sitting by the window. An unopened book in her hands. Remus walked over and sat down next to her. 

“Moons, hi” she said, clearly being snapped back into reality. She looked upset.

“Hey, what’s up?” 

“Nothing, just thinking”

“You going home on Wednesday?” Remus asked 

“Sadly” that was probably the explanation for her gloomy look and red eyes. “You” 

“Yeah…that’s kind of what I wanted to talk to you about”

“Yeah? Why?” 

“My dad’s making me go home because my mum’s well…depressed, I think. He wants me to cheer her up, but I don’t know how” 

“Oh, sorry about that…Moony everyone’s different, I don’t know your mother but I would say, just spend time with her try to make her laugh, make her go outside or to museums or to see beautiful things, you know? If she wants to alone let her be, but just for a while. Maybe try to get her to talk to you, but don’t pressure her.” 

“Yeah, I guess. I’m scared I won’t help her”

“First of all, you will. You’re one of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met and I’ve seen you bring a smile to almost everyone’s faces. That said…you can’t really help someone that doesn’t want to be helped” That struck Remus, and sent him into a spiral of panic. 

“Ok, thanks” he said sincerely. The looked at the window in a comfortable silence, watching small snowflakes fill the trees and grass with a pure white. 

“I don’t want to go home” Cassie said, biting a trembling lip. Her eyes were getting glassy. 

Remus didn’t know what to say, so he just hugged her and let her know that his shoulder was always there for her to cry on. 

☾☾☾

“Try to look out for him, will you?” James asked Regulus as they boarded the train. Regulus nodded quickly and walked away. James knew Reg probably couldn’t do too much, but still, it made him feel better to know that he was there. James worried about Sirius a lot, more than he worried about himself definitely. He worried about Peter and Remus as well, but with Sirius, he felt guilty sometimes. It was strange, he knew it wasn’t his fault and that there was nothing he could really do, but still…that’s why he felt guilty. He felt small and useless. He’d been worrying about Remus too, he’d fallen distant, the kind of distant that made him realize that there was so much more shit going on in his brain than what he was telling him. James just hoped he would write over the summer. Sirius was quiet on the train ride, he kept an awkward distance with Remus, and James tried not to notice it. Remus played chess with Peter and read a book when it was James’ turn. Remus and Sirius’ mood was making the entire dynamic of the group fall into a weird, slightly dysfunctional thing. James felt guilty again. Peter was oblivious to it. 

When they arrived, James held Sirius into a tighter than life hug. Hoping that it would say everything that he felt to self-conscious to say. 

“Please don’t do anything stupid, ok? I need you in one piece” James said, forcing a smile. 

“Yeah, yeah. I love you too” Sirius smirked. He turned to look at Moony with a frown. James hugged him telling him to write, and then he walked away with Peter. James looked back at them a couple times, trying to keep them with him for a longer time. “You’ll be alright?” Sirius asked. 

“I’ll be fine…you?”

“As fine as I can be”

They lingered in an awkward position, neither wanting to leave but having nothing to say. Sirius hugged him first, half expecting Remus to turn away or flick him away. Instead, he hugged him back tightly. 

“Sorry” Sirius said, his voice thick. He quickly pulled away and walked out into the crowded station.


	16. Grimmauld Place 1975

Sirius lived his nightmares at Grimmauld Place. He’d been at home only for a day, and already his skeleton was wanting to escape his own flesh. He’d spent the entire day locked in his bedroom, switching from staring at the ceiling to mindlessly doodling on a piece of parchment with a muggle pen. It was better to slowly go insane by loneliness, than go insane by a torture curse or something. At five in the evening, a house elf knocked at his door. 

“Yeah?” 

“Sirius Black, Master says Sirius needs to wear this for dinner” the old screechy house elf said. Sirius didn’t know its name, and truthfully, he didn’t care too much. His mother switched house elves like she switched clothes. 

“Thank you…eh, Sir? Leave them on the bed” He said, not looking down at the probably horrible outfit his mother had prepared. He was currently sketching the Forbidden Forest, from what he remembered. 

“Dinner is at seven thirty”. The house elf was completely shocked by being called ‘Sir’ and it just stood there, trembling slightly, before running to the bed and out of the room again. 

“Eh thanks” Sirius said, but the poor elf was already gone. 

The robes weren’t as horrible as he’d imagined. It was a simple black shirt, with a velvet emerald vest, and a long black robe with a ridiculously high collar. The pants and shoes matched the shirt. Sirius stared at them, what was so important he had to dress up nicely? He prayed to whoever was hearing that it wouldn’t be a family dinner, even though if it included purebloods, which it certainly would, there was no other option than family. Sirius internally cried at the thought of his near future. 

He put on the uncomfortable robes, minus the shoes. He decided to wear regular muggle trainers, the robes covered them anyway. He messed up his hair a bit, hoping that it would look cool. And he was ready. It was seven fifty, but no one had knocked on his door yet. The less he had to be down there, the better. He went back to his desk, at the unfinished drawing. It looked too empty. Almost haunting. In the heat of the moment, he sat down and quickly sketched down four animal figures and a big sphere on top of the trees. The pencil felt good in his hand, and projecting what his mind saw had to be one of the most satisfying feelings on Earth. The stag looked more like a deer and the werewolf looked a bit too scary for his taste, but other than that it felt good. He smiled at the drawing, feeling a slight bit of pride. He’d loved to draw since he was a child, and at first, Walburga had encouraged it. But when she saw that her five-year-old was more interested in drawing monsters and imaginary creatures, rather than portraits, she prohibited Sirius from drawing again. James, Peter, Remus and even Lily, had expressed their thoughts on how Sirius should become an artist one day, and secretly he held those comments dear to his heart…but with the war on the horizon and the need to fight, he didn’t think that was too much of an option. The door swung open and Regulus walked in. He looked slightly angry, until he saw what his brother was doing. 

“You have such a weird William Huggins complex” Regulus said with a smile. 

“Who the hell is William Huggys?” Sirius asked, looking up. 

“And you call yourself a muggle lover, fake ass…he’s a painter, animal painter”

“Do you like it?”

“Yes, I like it. You should paint it, it’d be wonderful” Regulus said and Sirius beamed, he cared what his brother thought too much. 

“But is it like meh alright or like good good? I don’t have any paint”

“It’s like great amazing. Like shocking, like I can’t even imagine you doing something so graceful with that big head of yours” Regulus said laughing a little. “Mother will skin us alive if we don’t get down there in the next three seconds” 

“Can you kill me real quick, so I don’t have to suffer, please” Sirius said groaning. 

“Come on” Regulus said, throwing an arm around Sirius’ shoulders as they descended down the stairs. “Don’t do anything stupid, there’s too many important people. I’m being as serious as your name” Sirius laughed a bit and nodded, for the first time being honest about not doing too much stupidity. 

The two brothers small talked with a couple dozen people, talking about Hogwarts, their favourite subjects, Quidditch, Regulus politely aggreged every time someone mention how ‘oh so horrible it is that you have to live among mudbloods there’. It was altogether a very dull and uneventful night, Sirius felt his blood boiling at the supremacist comments, but Regulus would gently pat him on the arm to stop him from saying too much. No one mentioned Gryffindor, or Sirius’ reputation for being against the ‘traditional’ views, and so he didn’t push it either. 

At nine, Walburga showed everyone into the dining room, where a haunting chandelier made out of silver snakes lit the dark green room. Walburga was big on the decoration, this particular room had the most eye-catching, expensive, and probably cursed, artifacts. The dinner plates where an heirloom that had been in the Black family since the 1600s. Walburga sat at the head of the table, Orion on her side. She wore a taunting necklace made of dark purple stones, they made her look even whiter and more raven-like than usual. When she moved a hand to raise her cup, a dozen rings filled with black, blue, purple and green stones blinded everyone. You could’ve bought a small country with the amount of jewelry she wore. No matter how beautiful she tried to look, she always looked spine-chilling to Sirius. She petrified him, as much as he tried to deny it. 

Sirius ate his meal in quiet discomfort, Regulus did all the talking for the both of them. It tired Sirius too much, to be around people like these. They were everything he rebelled against, yet, he seemed to be doomed to spend eternity surrounded by them. Family was here, obviously, but many people Sirius didn’t know were there too. None looked specifically friendly. He recognized a few. Abraxas Malfoy, Antonin Dolohov, Rodolphus and Rabastan Lestrange, Nott Sr. Sirius made a mental list of all these people, for future purposes. He had never seen so many people at his house, many who he didn’t even know, he wondered when their parents had acquainted such friendships. 

“Greyback? Pff, it was for me I would have him killed, but the Dark Lord seems particularly fond of his…services. Werewolves, disgusting creatures the scum of mankind. It’s disgraceful” Sirius heard the hushed conversation between Malfoy and a Russian dude, he was about to snap at them, he even had his mouth opened when his mother’s eyes found him. They were stone cold, as always. Unloving, unmerciful, just the freezing gaze of a cruel woman. They felt harsher than the Cruciatus Curse, and Sirius’ muscles remembered the consequences of speaking his mind. He retreated back, to staring blankly at his plate, hot wet tears pricking his cheeks like needles. He’d never felt more ashamed to be a person, how could he be some mendable? How could he succumb to his mother’s stare? How could he not defend his best friend? What his best friend was? How did he not deafened the single thing that he fought for every day of his life? 

☾☾☾

After that dinner, there were countless others in which Sirius followed the same shameful dynamic. Every time he kept quiet, didn’t defend what he thought was right, he fell asleep to prickling tears. It felt like the worst possible punishment to have to keep quiet, he felt so much unlike himself. He was convinced it made him a horrible person. How would his friends like him if they ever found out? Regulus looked at him with weary eyes every day, always there for small nudges when Sirius felt like hiding in a hole and rotting. He didn’t have his owl, of course, and no owl could enter their property. He was completely isolated from the world. 

The only small comfort that he had these days was graphite on old parchment. Christmas was a few days away, and he secretly felt like Regulus had got him something to draw with. He’d drawn countless of things, anything that came to his mind or his heart. He drew Bowie, his room, Regulus, his mother’s jewels, parties, what he felt when he listened to music, Remus and himself in the Room of Requirement, James transforming into a stag with a rat on his back, Peter and Mulciber in the dark, one of his house elves, Professor McGonagall and her Patronus, Remus, Remus’ eyes, Remus in the Gryffindor Common Room, everything. He felt free when he drew, he didn’t have anyone that would listen to his feelings or thoughts, but the parchment never asked any questions and it always seemed to understand. It didn’t ask why he drew the fawn haired boy so much, and why he always did it with a smile. Regulus had asked him to draw the both of them together, and Sirius had secretly worked on it as if it was his masterpiece, he’d done it extremely detailed and small. He’d then bought a locket at an old antique store and put the drawing inside. He was ecstatic for Christmas Eve when Reg would get to open it.


	17. Mick and Barbarella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ain't got no money in my pocket, but I'm already here  
> And now the dudes are linin' up 'cause they hear we got swagger  
> But we kick 'em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger
> 
> (i'm so sorry, i had to)

Deer James, (hihi pun)  
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help my mother; I feel so useless. I miss you guys. I was fighting about something with Padfoot, and it’s killing me. He apologized, but didn’t give me enough time to say anything back. I feel so stupid, I should’ve said something. Thanks for sending us the Treacle Tart, mum actually laughed while eating it, hadn’t seen her so happy since I got here. It was delicious please tell your mum thanks. I’ve been alright, been hanging out with some kids that are new to the neighbourhood. Dad’s always mad at me for something, I can’t stand it, but whatever its his problem.   
Don’t worry about me (and stop worrying so much about Padfoot, he’s alright, Regulus would’ve owled otherwise)   
(early) MERRY CHRISTMAS.   
Thanks for being my friend, hope you’re having fun!   
, Moony

Remus had been writing with James almost twice a week, he was his strongest support system. His mother was trying really hard to conceal how numb she actually was, but Remus saw her look out the window for hours and then say that she was too tired to eat. Leaving Lyall to dine with Remus alone. It was horrible. He always looked at Remus as if he might attack him or as if he had dog shit on his head. Remus stared back with the same expression, and when he turned around, he would lift up a long middle finger. They didn’t talk too much, just small talk about school or muggle news. 

Remus had started to go out for evening walks, were sometimes he was accompanied by Mick, a muggle neighbour. His family had moved in during October, he had a twin sister, Alex, who reminded Remus an awful lot of Lily Evans. She was extremely mice, and stress-baked pies almost every day. Mick took the walk with Remus as an excuse to chain-smoke an entire pack of cigarettes, which were extremely prohibited in his household. 

“You really should come over tomorrow, for a bit at least. Alex is having her entire group of girlfriends, and they drive me mad.” He said, kicking rocks while walking. He was on his third cigarette. 

“I’ll try to, don’t think Lyall will let me though”

“Sneak out” Mick said, bumping Remus on the shoulder. He laughed and rolled his eyes. 

“If they find out they’ll kill me” 

“Nah…promise you’ll try at least?” Mick asked, his bright blue eyes reminding Remus of Regulus for a second. That made him frown and look away for a second. He remembered the last thing Sirius had said to him, ‘sorry’ had been playing like a broken record over and over again in his brain all break. What had it meant? I’m sorry we kissed? I’m sorry I didn’t kiss you again?

“Yeah, I’ll try”

They arrived at an abandoned swing set in the middle of a park. Remus had swung there, alone and lonely, for most of his childhood. The kids around the neighbourhood had always stared at his scars, their mothers secretly whispering to stay away from him. It had made him run crying to his mother countless times. Hope had held him tightly, telling him it was all going to be alright in a soft broken voice, that made Remus cry even more. Mick smiled and sat down; Remus did the same. They didn’t really swing, just moved their feet. Remus was too tall for the swing, having to clench his knees in an awkward position. 

“So…” Mick said, lighting another cigarette. 

“So…” Remus repeated mindlessly. His mind still on Sirius. 

“Remus?” Mick said, snapping his fingers to bring Remus’ attention to him. Remus laughed and looked at him. 

“Sorry” 

“Daydreaming much?” 

“Mhm” he smiled, not wanting to get too personal with someone he’d met a week ago. 

“About?”

Remus shrugged, not thinking up anything good enough to word. 

“I dreamt about something really weird last night” Mick said, throwing his cigarette and putting it out with his shoe. 

“Yeah? What was it?” 

“Alex was watching Barbarella before we went to sleep.” Mick stopped to laugh for a second. “So, I dreamt that Barbarella, in that silver suit, came down from space and told me to kiss you” Remus burst out laughing. He blushed and tried not to feel too awkward about this whole thing. 

“Barbarella told you to kiss me?!” 

“Yes!” 

“That is insane Mick”

“Can hardly disobey Barbarella, can we?” Mick said, his voice steady and confident. 

Oh. 

So, this is what this was going to be? Remus’ colour drained from his face. Had Mick just asked to kiss him? He couldn’t kiss Mick. But…why not? Sirius? Sirius was straight, why the fuck would he care? But he’d said sorry… yeah, sorry for kissing you. Remus’ thoughts went wild, but Mick’s lips on his stopped them in a second. 

It felt so different from Sirius. Remus wasn’t exactly afraid; he didn’t have anything to lose. He didn’t care about Mick yet. The kiss was just a kiss, and if it was something else for Mick, Remus didn’t care. Sirius’ had been gentle, warm and heartfelt. Mick’s was passionate, he didn’t really want Remus’ heart, he just wanted their tongues intertwined. Remus didn’t mind, it was pleasant either way. Mick had Remus’ face in his hands, but one of them was slowly moving down, the other was in his hair now. Messing it all up, while his lips bit onto Remus’. It felt freeing to kiss someone so physically passionate, with the knowledge that there wouldn’t be a consequence. The kiss was breathless, they were too busy for breathing in deeply. They kissed for so long that they both had bruised and sore lips afterwards, Mick felt over the moon about everything. 

“And thus, I die peacefully” Mick said dramatically, when their mouths parted. He smiled widely, showing perfectly aligned and snow-white teeth. He still had a hand on Remus’ hair. He messed it up again, playfully. 

“Barbarella, man” Remus said nodding. 

“It’s getting dark” Mick noticed, they’d been at the swing set for hours. 

“We should go back” 

“Should we?” Mick said suggestively, raising an eyebrow.

Remus threw himself onto Mick again, both falling off the swings and into the grass. Mick laughed, and Remus felt his smile on his lips. He liked kissing Mick, it made Sirius disappear from his mind for a while.

☾☾☾

Remus spent Christmas being peacefully happy. Lyall cooked mashed potatoes, a very small turkey, vegetables and some spinach dip. Hope ate quietly, smiling at Remus. They played that Elvis Presley record that reminded Remus too much of Sirius, and the fact that he was in love with him. He had to excuse himself from the table while ‘Can’t Help Falling in Love’ played. He went to the bathroom, pulling down his turtleneck to see the countless love bites that Mick had left yesterday. He didn’t know how to feel. He was still in love with Sirius, but what good was it being in love with someone that didn’t love you back that way? And even if Sirius was in love with him, it wasn’t as if he was committing a crime by kissing Mick. In fact, Sirius had kissed a bunch of people in the past months. So, why did he still feel somewhat guilty? He felt as if he was cheating on Sirius. 

Remus went back to the table to eat what remained off the Potters’ Christmas gift and the chocolate ice cream Lyall had bought. He smiled, taking both boys off his mind. He spoke to his mother about the new neighbour's and about David Bowie, she listened attentively smiling and squeezing his hand a few times. She promised Remus to go on a walk with him tomorrow, so they could buy another Elvis record. Remus had been saving up money for a while, to buy that. He gave his father a copy of ‘Dune’ which James had extensively recommended. He took it gratefully, half smiling at his son. Remus felt more than fulfilled. 

“Mum, I’m going to the Kingstons’ house for a bit, is that ok?” Remus asked. 

“Yes of course, honey.” She said smiling tiredly. 

“Remus, don’t be too late” Lyall added, as he cleaned up the last bits of the kitchen. 

Mick’s house was so different from his. It was bright, filled with people and fairy lights. His house was a dimmed light, with books and paperwork everywhere, it smelt like coffee and tea all the time and Remus couldn’t deny, it was extremely cozy. Mick’s felt more like the Potters’, in miniature version. He felt homesick for James and Euphemia and Monty. Mick greeted him with a dark green sweater, jeans and his signature toothpaste commercial smile. Alex’s friends were decorating cookies, making a mess of the kitchen. While Jay and Emma, the parents, were sipping hot chocolate at the table. Talking inaudibly over the loud girl voices and their ABBA record. Remus adored ABBA, and couldn’t help but wing a little. Remus looked at the cookies, secretly wanting to decorate a few, seeing as the girls weren’t particularly delicate with the frosting. 

“Remus, this is Mandy, Camille, Elise and Flora” Alex said, grabbing his left arm and pointing at the girls with her right hand. 

“Hey” Remus said waving awkwardly. 

“Decorate a cookie with us, will you? I want to have at least one pretty one, but these witches keep fucking up” Alex said, throwing sprinkles at Elise. He looked at Mick, as if asking for permission. “Not you though, you have horrible taste” she said to Mick, and all the girls laughed. 

Remus decorated a circled one, adding a marshmallow to make it seem like a melting snowman. While Mick looked at him, not so subtly. Alex was overjoyed by it, showing it to her mother even. Remus couldn’t stop laughing. 

“Do you want a house tour?” Mick asked. 

“Sure” 

Remus loved spending Christmas this way, if only his friends had been with him…

“Mistletoe” Mick said suddenly, as they stopped on their way up the stairs. Remus looked up to find a green and white plant with a red ribbon around it. He’d loved this tradition as a kid, but never had anyone to kiss. 

“Someone could see” Remus said, shortly reminding himself that he had a homophobic parent, and Mick might have one too. 

“My parents aren’t homophobic” Mick said, rolling his eyes. 

“No one is homophobic until they see two guys kissing” Remus said obviously. 

“Ughhh, if you’re such a prude” Mick said jokingly “My rooms just around the corner” 

Mick grabbed his arm and yanked him up, almost running to his bedroom. Were he closed the door with a loud bang, and the switch of a lock. He pushed Remus onto his bed and started kissing him everywhere. Remus tried not to giggle but he felt slightly overjoyed. He hadn’t felt so many pleasant emotions on a single day in a while. He kissed Mick back, pulling him closer and taking in every inch of his being. When Mick switched to his neck, Remus felt like an alien in his body. He felt as if he’d just taken a shit load of ecstasy’s and was in something like a fever dream. If he imagined it was Sirius kissing his neck, it was a reflex, something natural that came with the way his brain was wired.


	18. Christmas Eve

Christmas Eve had taken an unexpected sour turn for Sirius Black. He’d survived just fine, with no punishment until now. They had been eating Christmas dinner, quietly. When a poor house elf had accidentally splashed Orion with the mashed potatoes. The creature screamed, apologizing profoundly while hitting himself against the wall. Orion, with the flick of his wand, had cursed the poor elf. It had been screaming in pain, until Sirius couldn’t take the screeches any longer. 

“Stop hurting it!” he yelled. 

“Sirius do not raise your voice at your father!” Walburga had yelled back. Regulus looked between them as if it was a tennis match. Orion still had his wand raised, using Merlin knew, which curse.

“It’s in pain! Stop father!” Sirius yelled, ignoring his mother. 

“Do not tell me what to do you insolent child!” He said with a scowl. Moving his hand and pointing it at Sirius. The elf screeched and left running for the kitchen, his entire face soaked in tears. Regulus’ anxiety was over the roof, he hated fights more than anything, and being raised on them made it even worse. His hands trembled and he felt a lump in his throat, feeling his entire body block out all noise that wasn’t the screaming voices. He always put attention during the fights, looking for a place to say just the right thing. 

“What are you gonna do, curse me?! Oooo I’m petrified!” Sirius said sarcastically. His father was a stuffed animal compared to Walburga. 

“CRU-!” 

In a swift, sly move, Regulus placed himself in front of Sirius. His heart was throbbing in his chest, he’d never done something like that. He’d never defied one of his parents, and here he was, standing between the hunter and the prey. He had his wand raised too. 

“Regulus move!” 

“NO!”

“Regulus move right now!” Walburga commanded, but the tremble and shock in her voice was evident. 

“No” He said again. “It’s Christmas! It’s fucking Christmas! And you’re about to use an unforgivable on your son?!”

“You’re my son, I don’t know who that is! A mere mistake” Orion said, scoffing at Sirius. Sirius looked down embarrassed. He hated the lot of them…but they were still his parents. Hating them didn’t make those words any easier to listen to. 

“Sirius go to your room” Regulus said, lowering his wand for a second. He raised it back again as he waited for Sirius to walk up the stairs unharmed. When he heard the loud bang of Sirius’ door closing, he put the wand down again and sat back on his chair, to finish his dinner. 

“Don’t ever do that again, Regulus” Walburga said in a cold slash of a voice. 

“I won’t” He said, taking the last gulp of his wine. 

Desert wasn’t served that night. Regulus went upstairs quickly to find Sirius bent over his desk. He was retouching a drawing he’d done, there were wet droplets on the parchment, but Regulus pretended not to notice. 

“You shouldn’t have done that Reg.” Sirius said, he’d never been so scared in his life. If his father had cursed Regulus, he would have never been able to forgive himself. 

“I should’ve done it a long time ago” Regulus said simply. He’d always wanted to do it, but he was too scared. James Potters’ voice had ringed on his brain today, and he’d felt a small ounce of that Gryffindor courage. 

“Thank you” 

“I got you something” Regulus said, taking a neatly wrapped box from the inside of his robes. It was a simple red wrapping with a small white envelope with ‘for Sirius’ written in perfect cursive. Sirius smiled and opened the wrapping fastly, taking the envelope and putting it neatly in his stack of drawings. A set of paintbrushes fell to the floor and Sirius beamed. He looked down to find two sets of paints. One was a transparent box with two dozen smaller boxes inside, filled with delicate semi-transparent colours. The other was a set of twenty acrylic paints. Each one was more beautiful than the last and Sirius felt a pang at his heart from it. 

“Those are muggle watercolours, apparently the best quality or something. If you don’t like them, I can change them but I thought” 

“They’re amazing, I love them. Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Sirius enveloped his younger brother in a tight hug, something rarely ever did. Regulus was shocked by the affection and went stiff for a second before giving in. Unlike Sirius, Regulus didn’t have friends that were affectionate in any way, and he’d forgotten how it felt to be hugged. That realization made his heart hurt a little.

“I got you another thing…but it’s coming a bit later”

“I got you something too” Sirius said excitedly opening a drawer to pull out the tiny glass locket. He dangled it in the air and put it in Regulus’ cold hands. 

“A necklace?” 

“Open it you idiot”

Regulus did, a bright smile forming in his face. 

“You drew this?” 

“Yeah” 

“It’s bloody fantastic” Regulus said laughing. 

“You like it?”

“I love it!” 

Just like that, Sirius’ day was brightened again. Regulus stayed in his brothers’ room for a few more hours, looking at the strange books and artifacts he had. The truth was, they rarely ever spent time together, but this year Regulus felt the need to be with Sirius. At exactly one in the morning a bright light came through Sirius’ room, illuminating the entire room. Regulus smiled at Sirius’ frightened face. He went up and opened the bedroom window, quickly casting a silencing charm around the room. 

“What the hell? You could get expelled for using magic!” Sirius said scoldingly. Regulus simply shrugged. 

The bright light came closer and closer, until it showed the familiar silhouette of James Potter. His hair was so messed up, it made him look like the muggle punks that were starting to become more popular. He was on his Quidditch broom, a new one by the looks of it. He landed gracefully on Sirius’ floor. 

“What the fuck?” He yelled, jumping on James. “How the fuck?” 

“Bloody Regulus!” James said, messing up Regulus’ hair in a brotherly way. “Told me to come yesterday, I almost fainted couldn’t believe it” 

“I can’t believe you’re here!”

“Mum’s gonna kill me if she finds out” he said with a smile. “I needed to give you a Christmas gift, didn’t I? Well apart from my presence of course” James pulled out a black backpack and opened it. Taking out two big squares wrapped in a not so neatly way. “Moony said you liked these” 

“How’s Moony?” he’d thought about Remus every day, wondering what he would’ve said if he had given his time. Wondered if they would ever kiss again, if Remus was angry at him. Sirius teared up the wrapping to find David Bowie’s face staring back at him. His smile was so wide that it made his muscles hurt a little. “OH MY GOD JAMES I LOVE YOU” he hugged James again. Regulus felt self-aware during the entire interaction, he analyzed all the ‘friendships’ he had and realized that none were real, he didn’t actually have friends. The closest thing apart from Sirius, was Remus and James. And they weren’t even his friends. It made him feel lonelier than usual. 

“Moony’s alright, said he missed all of us” 

“Did he say anything else?” 

“Something about you two fighting? That you’d apologized but didn’t give him chance to say anything back? He said it was killing him and that he felt stupid… I didn’t know you were fighting” 

“Was that all? We weren’t fighting, just like I dunno it was weird”

“Yeah. Oh! I got you these too” James said, opening the backpack again and pulling out a glass Tupperware. “Mum made them” he said. There were at least three dozen chocolate chip cookies inside. The chips were green and red, making the cookies more festive than Sirius’ entire house. Regulus knacked the tupper open and grabbed a few. 

“Thanks mate, really” 

“They’re amazinmg” Regulus said with his mouth full

“I should go, mum will murder me I swear”

They hugged and said goodbyes. Regulus went back to his room and Sirius was left alone with his thoughts. His thoughts that simply wouldn’t leave Remus. Why did he feel stupid? What would he have said? It was killing him, so he cared. Remus cared about him. A pleasant smile formed on his face, and after eating a cookie Sirius fell asleep. Remus followed him onto his dreams. They were kissing again, and Remus was smiling and everything was perfect. 

He woke up disappointedly, wanting to see Remus more than anything in then world.


	19. Before Party

Sirius put on his leather jacket and walked out of Grimmauld Place, finally. He intended on taking a muggle cab to Kings Cross Station, so he would spend less time with his mother. She insisted on taking Regulus every year, never really paying too much attention to Sirius. He said goodbye to his brother and left. He mounted a cab telling the weird looking driver his directions. The man was smoking a pipe and wore a purple beret on top of ginger hair. Sirius laughed a bit, his smile wide. He was free again!

He arrived at the platform early, very early. He walked through all the muggle shops, buying three packs of cigarettes and a book that he would probably never read. When he started seeing young kids with their parents walking towards platform 9 3/4, he followed. He passed through the barrier, the cold January air stinging his face. The platform was empty, expect for a few people. Sirius boarded the train, walking down to one of the last compartments. He saw a pair of white converses through the transparent door, and his heart did a flip. He was nervous, but couldn’t let it show. Remus had his nose in a book, his hair was longer than he remembered. Sirius slid the door cautiously, Remus looked up with a smile. He stood up, lingering on whether or not to hug Sirius.

“Hey” Sirius said, still at the door. 

“Hi…happy new year” 

“Yeah…how was your break?” Sirius said, sitting down so it would be less awkward. 

“Alright” Remus said, internally smiling. It had been alright, more than alright. He looked out the window, seeing if he could catch a glimpse at James or Peter. Sirius made a weird kind of noise from deep in his throat, as if he’d just choked on his own saliva.

“Just alright? Because your neck says bloody spectacular” 

Remus put a hand on his neck, pushing his jumper up a bit. He’d forgotten about how carried away Mick had gotten when Remus told him he was going away again. Even after the two weeks, Remus didn’t really feel anything for Mick, they were friends who were…a bit touch starved.

“Bloody hell Moony, you got lucky, tell me everything right now” Sirius said, half forcing his enthusiasm. 

“It’s nothing, really. Just a friend” 

“Yeah, since when do you make out with your friends?” Sirius said, instantly regretting it. Remus looked away and avoided his gaze again. “Well, what’s her name?” Sirius said, trying to switch the conversation. 

“His name” Remus said, he found that the anger he’d felt towards Sirius at the end of term was resurfacing. Why was he so embarrassed about talking about their kiss? Was Sirius embarrassed of him? Why did they have to act like nothing ever happened? 

“What?” 

“His name is Mick”

“Oh” Sirius said. He had mixed feelings about that, he would much rather prefer it be a girl, he wouldn’t really have to feel jealous that way. “So…are you like…gay?” 

“No!” Remus exclaimed a bit too quickly and too harshly, the full moon was tomorrow, and he was exhausting his own temper. “I don’t know! What do you care?!” 

“I don’t care I was just asking!” 

There was a minute of awkward silence, where Remus felt bad for yelling and not being so welcoming, and for not knowing what to say next. He felt an awful lot of guilt lately. 

“Sorry” 

“It’s fine” Sirius said. “You never said anything” he was talking about the last conversation they’d had, and Remus instantly knew.

“You didn’t give me time too” 

“What did you want to say” 

“Sorry for what?” That question had been bugging Remus for the past two weeks. 

“I…uhmmm…sorry for whatever you want me to be sorry for” Sirius wasn’t sorry they kissed, but he said that just in case Remus was. 

“I’m sorry only if you’re sorry” Remus said, sensing Sirius’ mood. They understood each other more than they would ever realize. 

“I’m not sorry…about that” Sirius said, mustering up all the courage he had. Admitting that he’d wanted to kiss Remus took more bravery than the actual act of kissing him.

“Then I’m not sorry either” Remus said smiling a bit 

Peter came in at that moment wearing a bright smile, he had his hands filled with bags of candy. James came in a bit later embracing all of his friends and starting to pour out the ideas for pranks that he’d thought of in the last two weeks. Stopping only to take in air, and look at a dashing blur of dark red hair that passed by once or twice. 

☾☾☾

“No, I’m telling you Sirius, THEY are the MOST punk rock band to ever set foot on this earth” Lily Evans said, as he accompanied Sirius down to the library. 

“Evans, they’re American how the hell can they be punk rock?” Sirius said, he’d become incredibly protective of English rock, since David Bowie. 

“Sirius! They invented punk” Lily said shaking her head. “They invented everything.”

“They’re called The Ramones, that’s kind of lame” 

“You won’t think that when you listen to them. I stole some of Petunia’s Fleetwood Mac records, and I got a Led Zeppelin one for Christmas, we have a lot of homework” Sirius beamed at that, discovering music was his absolute favourite thing in the world. He’d never listened to Led Zeppelin, but the name alone intrigued him.

“Lily, have I ever told you that I love you” 

“Don’t let James hear you say that” 

They arrived at the library, where Remus was patiently waiting for them…asleep. He had half of his body on the table, sleeping on an opened potions book. Lily looked at him with tender pitiful eyes and Sirius knew how much Remus would’ve hated that. 

“Moony” Sirius said, shaking his shoulders to wake him. Remus hated being woken up, loathed it more than anything. He could wake up every day happily at five in the morning, but if it was on his own, if someone waked him, at whichever time during the day, he spent an eternity being resentful. Remus groaned and tried to shake Sirius away. “Moony…you need to wake up” 

“Padfoot” Remus said, threatening. 

“Moony, come on” Sirius put his arms around Remus’ shoulders, so his face was close to his. “Moony you’re in the library” he said, almost in Remus’ ears. A shiver went down Remus’ body, Sirius hadn’t been this close since that day. 

“I’m aware” Remus said, taking a moment to appreciate Sirius’ arms around him. It felt so right. 

“Lily please tell this big baby to get up” 

“I’m not getting up, Lily, don’t even try” Lily laughed a bit. 

“Moony it’s almost six…” Sirius said looking out the window to see if he would spot the moon. Remus groaned even more, fake crying, even though he really did want to cry. 

“I don’t want to go” 

“Oh, come on” Sirius said, secretly feeling awful for his friend.   
Sirius half carried a tired Remus to Madame Pomfrey, Lily didn’t ask any questions but she had a gut feeling about the situation. James and Peter arrived a bit later when Lily had left and Pomfrey was walking with Remus outside. 

They successfully sneaked out of the castle with James’ invisibility cloak and transformed under the Beech tree, they ran quickly to the Whomping Willow, were they found Remus curled into a ball at the corner of the room. He had his eyes closed tightly in pain, and had his jaw clenched. 

After several bone chilling screams, they turned into howls, and Remus was no longer. 

☾☾☾

The day afterwards, Remus wasn’t the only one in the infirmary. Peter laid at his side with a broken foot. The stag, James, had tripped and accidentally stepped on the rat. Peter looked resentful; they had stomped on him. Why did he always feel so small, literally and metaphorically?

“Mr. Pettigrew, how did this happen again? Your bone is crushed in pieces, completely pulverized” 

“I fell down the, the stairs and umm… James fell on top of me” Peter repeated the story Sirius had made up, nervously. With her wand, Pomfrey put the bone together again, but still bandaged it and made Peter promise not to run. Remus was alright, apart from the natural bone pain and headaches. He had a few scratches from wrestling Prongs and Padfoot at the same time, but mostly he was fine. 

“Ok, you’re both good to go I suppose. Come back tomorrow, first thing in the morning. Here’s a sleeping potion, Remus. Pettigrew this is for the pain, if there is any. Now get going, dears” They thanked the witch and tiredly walked back to Gryffindor Tower, they had deep purple eyebags from lack of sleep, and everyone that passed asked themselves what the hell had they just gone through. 

☾☾☾

“No, no, no! Not this again, James!” Remus said. The first week of school was finished, which meant that a party was in the near horizon. 

“Moony, it’ll be amazing. Just imagine we give everyone an outrageous amount of booze, but I mean ASTRONOMICAL amount of booze, and to do that we need a pool! Look, visualize it in your pretty head! We turn the common room into a pool of firewhiskey and everyone can swim and drink on it” James said excitedly, he was standing on his bed with his hands raised for dramatic impact. 

“James Fleamont Potter! You are a genius!” Sirius yelled. 

“You are both ASTRONOMICALLY dumb!” Remus said mimicking James. “You want to swim in alcohol? Alcohol that STINGS! You want to drink alcohol that is contaminated with body sweat and urine and horrible human flesh!?” James’ smile faded immediately. 

“Fuck you and your logic” 

“Why can’t we just have a regular normal party, with bottles of firewhiskey that have no contact with flesh?” 

“Moony that is so boring” Sirius said

“We could have a firewhiskey fountain, or a slide” 

“Yes, yes I like that thinking! BOTH” James said excitedly. “I’m gonna get to that right now, see you at dinner”

Remus rolled on his bed lazily, reading a boring book that made no sense. He felt Sirius’ presence very much, it was everywhere. Remus was too aware of him. He saw him move from the corner of his eyes. 

“Moony…” Sirius said, still on his bed. 

“Mmm”

“We should go to the Room of Requirement again, I got some Bowie records” The prospect of new music was always intriguing to Remus, and the book wasn’t doing too much for his entertainment. 

“Have you listened to Black Sabbath?” Remus asked. He’d bought ‘Paranoid’ during Christmas, and it had quickly become an obsession, that he needed to share with Sirius. 

“No” 

“Ok, let’s go”

They walked silently to the room. Remus placed the record player that held the bewitching pink, blue and black cover. Sirius laid down on a kind of rug that the room had provided for them, and lit a cigarette. Remus turned the volume up to ‘Electric Funeral’ and joined Sirius, who was looking blown away by the deep guitar sound. 

“That’s insane” 

“It’s amazing, right?!” Remus said. 

“Yeah, I mean it’s not Bowie…”

“We’re getting the best of both worlds, can’t compare metal with glam rock. They’re both life changing. Bowie’s incomparable, though”

“Yeah”

Remus absent mindedly took the cigarette from Sirius’ lips and put it in his, taking a long drag and giving it back. Sirius looked wide eyed at the gesture, the room was suddenly too hot and his hands where too sweaty, and their bodies were too close but not close enough. 

“I didn’t know you smoked those” Remus said, noting that they were the same Marlboros Regulus smoked. He was thankful they weren’t the horrible Silk Cuts that Mick liked so much. 

“I thought you hated smoking” Remus looked over at him with a quizzical look. 

“Well yeah I mean, I don’t really like poisoning my lungs but otherwise I like it” Sirius laughed a bit, lighting a new one. “I never asked you how the holidays had been…” 

“They weren’t that bad, I mean just the idea of being in a room with my parents is horrible, but they didn’t really do anything. And Reg was very nice all the time, got me some paints, he stood up for me once, I’d never been so scared in my life” Sirius said, he looked into Remus’ eyes and suddenly the metal music was a hundred light years away, the only thing he could hear was Remus. 

“Did you paint anything?” 

“Yeah a few things” 

“Why don’t you show us?!” 

“Some day! I don’t even know if they’re good I just do it because I was bored” 

“Liar! I’ve seen your notes, half of them are illegible under a million doodles” It was true, Sirius got too bored during lessons and usually just doodled freely to escape. “And they’re all great, more than great” Remus took the cigarette again, filling Sirius with a sudden yearning that he wouldn’t be able to fulfill.


	20. love bruises

“No! We’re playing spin the bottle” Sirius shouted, emptying a bottle of firewhiskey and closing the circle. The party ended up having a huge firewhiskey fountain, which everyone was drinking out of more than happily. The Commo Room had been adorned with more liqueur than a bar, everyone was happy. Remus, James, Peter, Marlene, Cassie, Mary, and a few younger Gryffindors sat in a circle waiting for the game to start. Sirius had been introduced to spin the bottle by Lily, of course, and now he was ecstatic at playing it. Tactically sitting opposite to Remus, so they might get a chance. Sirius spun the bottle, his heart racing, praying that it would point to Remus and he would be able to scratch that unscratchable scratch that had blossomed so many nights ago. It landed on Charlize, a fourth-year girl with not much personality. To say that Sirius frowned was an understatement, his heart sank with disappointment. The girl beamed, and got on her knees to get closer to him. Sirius brought his mouth close to her, not allowing any other body parts to touch her, and she closed the distance. She grabbed Sirius’ head and tried to get him to open his mouth so that her tongue would be granted access. Sirius backed away quickly, feeling that her soft sloppy lips felt worse than kissing a frog. They took turns, everyone smiling when the bottle landed on them, everyone seemed to have locked lips at least once. James spun the bottle and it landed on Sirius, they both smiled stupidly. 

“Come here Pads!” James said, he had taken too many sips at the fountain. Sirius brought his mouth to James’, and felt nothing. He was the second boy Sirius ever kissed, but unlike Remus, it felt like kissing his cheek. It felt childish and meaningless, just a game. James put both his hands-on Sirius’ cheeks and smiled as he let them go. 

“Evans, you’re missing out!” Sirius said and against her will, the redhead blushed and looked away. Cassie got the bottle next, spinning it with force, a mischievous glint to her eye. The bottom landed on Sirius, and he didn’t dare look at who sat at the other end, even though he already knew. Remus sat still, his knees close to his chest, hands between his legs. Sirius blushed, deeply. His palms went cold and he felt his heart throbbing. Had he not wanted this for so long? Why was he nervous all of a sudden? 

“Now kiss!” Cassie said with a smile. Did she know something? Sirius walked around the circle as Marlene took the bottle, and when Cassie wasn’t looking, she placed it so it po8inted at the two of them. Sirius sat next to Remus and smiled. 

“You don’t have to” Remus said, taking a drag of his cigarette, one that was most certainly stolen from Sirius’ pocket. 

“I want to” Sirius said, feeling that Gryffindor courage overtake him again. 

“Alright” Remus burned of his cigarette on the carpet and leaned over. Putting a hand at Sirius’ jaw. He stopped for a second, taking a moment to look at Sirius’ expression. Would he regret this later? Sirius was wide eyed, Remus had never seen him like that, he almost looked scared. The rest of the party went on, but Sirius’ felt as if he was back in Remus’ bed, just the two of them, alone. “It’s just a kiss” Remus said, wanting to make Sirius’ feel less hesitant. 

Sirius closed the distance, but Remus’ words lingered on his mind the entire time. Just a kiss? A kiss was never just a kiss, it was always something. It always carried unsaid words, passion, doubt. A kiss alone was always something, saying ‘just a kiss’ meant a million things. Perhaps he was overthinking it. The satisfaction was instantaneous, a warm sensation passed through Sirius’ veins like one of Madame Pomfrey’s healing potions. But as soon as the satisfaction settled, it was gone. His lips felt cold and alone. Remus took a sip of his butterbeer, not looking back to see the disappointment on Sirius’ face. 

Sirius had too much power over Remus, that he noticed in their short kiss. The dozens of make out sessions he’d had with Mick over the break hadn’t done so much for him, as that small peck on the lips had. His body was on fire, trembling. He felt weak in the knees, surely if he were to stand up, he would fall. He wanted more, of course, he needed Sirius. But the body demands more only if you feed it. 

☾☾☾

The days and weeks passed and Sirius longed for another kiss, it was on the back of his mind every minute of the day, but he could never say anything. The kiss was there when he looked at his homework, when he tried to write essays, when a Professor was teaching, when he fell asleep, Remus was like a virus that was controlling his every cell. He felt stupid for not being able to talk his feelings with Remus or James, who were usually his life advisors. So, one February night, it came to Lily Evans to give Sirius his peace of mind. 

“Evans?” Sirius asked. It was almost one in the morning, but as usual he couldn’t sleep, and apparently neither could Lily. She sat near the fire, an envelope in her lap and tear tracks on her cheeks. She smiled weakly at Sirius. “You alright?” Sirius asked, sitting down next to her. 

“Yeah just… family” Lily choked out the last word, more tears forming in her eyes. Sirius quickly wrapped comforting arms around her. Lily let him, sobbing into his shoulder. “She’s so cruel” 

“Yeah, I know” Sirius said, thinking of the letter he’d read so many years ago, where Petunia had called her a freak, told her to never come home again, and so many more things. The back of his mind thought of his mother. 

“Sirius, I don’t get how she can say things like that. I’m her sister! And I love her, I hate that I do, but I can’t help it! I just want her to like me because I know I can never not like her back” Lily said, stepping over her words as she tried to stop the tears. The hurt in her voice was so real, so incredibly relatable to Sirius. He wished he could talk like that, just say the things he felt. Ask his own mother how she could be so cruel. 

“I don’t know Evans; I don’t get it either. But I know that she’s missing out on having such a wonderful person as a sister. I also know that her hate is affecting her more than you, she’s probably rotten inside.” Sirius said, making Lily make a strangled laugh. “It’ll get better someday” Sirius said, more for himself than for her.

“You think so?”

“It has to” That felt like a lie in Sirius’ tongue, but his heart really wanted to believe it. “Evans?” 

“Yeah?” 

“Can I tell you something?” Sirius said, in the mood to pour his heart out. 

“Yeah, of course, anything” Lily said quickly, pulling out of Sirius’ embrace to look at him. 

“I think I’m in love” 

“Oh God” Lily grinned. Sirius looked slightly mortified at sounding so utterly cliché. “Ok, go on.” 

“I mean, I guess I’m in love. What does love even feel like? I should ask James, but he would ask too many questions” Lily blushed at James’ mention, but neither noticed. 

“Why do you think you’re in love?” Lily asked, a small smile forming in her lips. 

“Because…” Sirius felt so deeply, yet he couldn’t really describe it. It was a feeling he got, a gut feeling maybe? “I don’t know. I get all nervous around them recently, and every time we touch, I’m aware we’re touching. Like he would-.” 

“He?” Lily interrupted. Sirius hit himself on the temple, he’d been meaning to keep it a secret for as long as possible. “Oh Sirius!” Lily smiled widely and hugged him. “It’s Remus isn’t it?!” Her smile was wider than he’d ever seen. Sirius just blushed. 

“Yeah…” 

“Well sorry for interrupting you, do go on about how you feel please, you were getting quite poetic” 

“Ok so he will like, I don’t know, just brush a hand and accidentally touch me and I kid you not, Evans my entire body will just freeze. And my heart will speed and my mind goes completely blank. Oh, and we kind of made out last year, and I need it again… that sounds desperate. But I am desperate! I think about him all day, and find myself blushing when he looks at me and I feel so utterly stupid because I can’t think!” Lily laughed, looking delighted at Sirius’ quick talking. 

“You could tell him… wait you made out?” 

“Yeah, in his bed… but then we never talked about it so I don’t know! And then he had like a guy over the break, coming to school with a fucking dozen hickeys like I wouldn’t see them!” 

“You’re jealous!” 

“Well yeah! I love him!” Sirius said, the words escaping his mind. Lily was wide eyed. 

“You love him!?” 

“I love him and his stupid face and his stupid way of reading books and his stupid scars and his stupidly long arms and his stupid everything! I’m so stupid! Why do I fall in love with someone that will never love me back!? I’m becoming James!”

“Ok, calm down. He obviously loves you, Remus loves everything, and you won’t know until you ask him”

“What am I supposed to do just walk over and say ‘hey, Remus, I love you’?” Sirius said sarcastically. 

“Well yeah, haven’t you seen James do it every two days” 

“Yeah, all I see is how it’s not working and he falls asleep to a wounded heart” Lily rolled her eyes. 

“It works more than you think” Lily said quietly, more to herself than anything else. “Do. NOT. Tell. James.” She said threating. “Look, Remus is a hopeless romantic. I know he doesn’t seem like it, but he reads Pride and Prejudice once a month. Ok? He wants someone more than anything, even if he doesn’t want to admit it” 

“Yeah, but he doesn’t want me!” 

“How do you know?!” Lily said exasperated. “Remus isn’t good on the feelings thing; he probably won’t make a move on you first”

“I don’t want to say anything, what if he doesn’t like me and I ruin everything?” 

“You won’t ruin anything!” 

“You don’t know that!” Sirius said, feeling worse than before. 

“Look if you’re gonna be so thick headed, you’ll never find love! Remus is up there, he might be thinking about you and ‘your gorgeous face’” She said making the worst impression of Remus known to man. 

“He might be thinking about Mick’s stupid gorgeous face” 

“Who the hell is Mick?” 

“That’s what I said” Sirius was deep in thought, wondering what his next move should be. “You ask him, ask him if his in love with someone” 

“No, ask Cassie. Isn’t she like a Seer or something, and she’s his best friend, she has to know”

“She won’t tell me, have you seen her it’s easier to bribe a rock!” 

“Yeah, that’s true… you ask him, he’s your best friend for Christs’ sake! Ask him as a friend and he won’t be suspicious” 

“That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard”

“Fine then! Go back and cry to your pillow about loving someone that will never love you back, because if you don’t do something about it, he won’t either” 

“Evans, that makes no sense” Sirius said shaking his head and yawning, all this thinking was getting him tired. 

☾☾☾

Sirius slept in James’ bed for three nights in a row, and even though Remus wasn’t jealous at all, he was still bugged by that fact. Sirius was his crush, Sirius was the person Remus kissed, he should be sleeping with Sirius, he should be comforting Sirius during the night. Not James. The truth was that, Remus wanted Sirius close to him, to make their arms brush unexpectedly, to whisper about his nightmares, to kiss him when no one was noticing. Oh, how he wanted to kiss him again. Tactically, Remus laid awake until two in the morning that Saturday night. Sirius switched beds around two thirty usually, not that Remus noticed. 

The floor board screeched ever so slightly, but Remus was alert. He opened his curtain briskly to catch Sirius tip toeing towards James. 

“Did I wake you?” Sirius whispered, sounding apologetic. 

“Yes!” 

“Sorry, sorry I was trying not to” 

“And now you’re gonna wake up James?!” Remus said, faking indignation. 

“Well…yeah” 

“Now that I’m already awake you might as well let him sleep” Remus said 

“You mean…?” Sirius asked raising his eyebrows. 

“Just come here, James needs to sleep” Remus said, ever so considerate. Sirius walked over, hesitantly pulling the covers up. Last time they had slept in the same bed…Sirius tried not to think about that. 

“Tomorrow’s Valentines day” Sirius whispered. They were staring at each other, Sirius not seeing much other than Remus’ outline. 

“Is it?” Remus said, even though he was well aware of what day it was. Peter had a date with a Slytherin, which James and Sirius didn’t really approve of. The rest of them were planning on spending a relaxed evening at The Three Broomsticks. 

“I’ve always liked Valentines” Sirius said. 

“You’ve never celebrated it” Remus noted. 

“Thanks for the reminder, I’ve always wanted to” They were now both thinking of the last kiss they’d shared, and in how an ideal world, they’d be kissing right now. Maybe it will happen again now, Sirius thought. If only he had the courage. “You might have to call that lad of yours, what was it…Michael?” Sirius said, the sudden reminder of him bitter in his brain. Were they dating? Why hadn’t he thought of that? Remus scoffed. 

“I said he was just a friend, and it’s Mick” 

“Just a friend?” 

“Yeah” 

“Mmm” 

“Sirius?” 

“Yeah” Sirius’ heart sped up. 

“What would you do if I kissed you right now?” Remus asked staring at the ceiling, repeating a few of the words Sirius had said the last time they were in this bed. Sirius smirked. 

“You’re gonna have to it to find out” 

And just like that, Remus had his knees on either side of Sirius. Planting small teasing kisses on his neck, on his jaw, on his cheek, on his temple, on his nose. Sirius was going mad, he smiled widely just waiting with his freezing mouth. Remus laughed and finally gave in. Sirius arched his back as Remus lowered his hands and kissed him back just as fiercely. Remus felt Sirius’ teeth on his tongue, he bit the inside of Sirius lips, making the other boy take in a shaky pleasurable breath. Their bodies were filled with fireworks, lips numb with anxiety and excitement. Sirius turned Remus around so he was now on top, pushing him against the soft pillow. Remus’ hands were gently in Sirius’ hair, digging in when Remus wanted him to get closer. Remus parted his lips and drew them to Sirius’ neck, where he not so gently pressed his lips, leaving small purple blemishes…everywhere. Sirius had his eyes closed, wondering if this was all just a dream, it had to be, nothing ever felt so good. When he’d left a sizable trail of love bruises, Remus connected their mouths again. This time softer, wanting to feel Sirius more thoughtfully. It was slower but strangely it felt more passionate. It felt like breathing again after being submerged underwater for a very long time. 

The hours passed, but neither noticed, until the sun started to break in through the window. When their mouths were bruised, and both of their necks were sprinkled in love bites, they fell asleep. Remus’ arms still around Sirius’ waist. Sirius hoped that nothing would change when they woke up again, but of course, it wouldn't be the same.


	21. Die Stag

“I hate valentines’ day” James said with a half frown, looking at the couples around the bar. Sirius was seated next to Remus, secretly brushing his leg ever so often. Sirius’ grin lit up the entire place, except James. “I’ll never find love” he said, banging his head against the table. 

“You’ll find love you dramatic stag” Remus said laughing. 

“Yeah? When?” 

“James, you’re fifteen for fucks sake you have the rest of your life to find it” Remus said encouragingly. 

“Lily will come around, I know it” Sirius added. 

“I’m gonna die alone” Sirius and Remus shared a look. 

“You mean you’ll die stag?” Remus said jokingly, making Sirius spit out a bit of his drink. James groaned. 

“I can’t believe Peter got a date” James said aloofly 

“It’s with a Slytherin, I’d rather be alone” Sirius said. 

“Hmph” 

“She’s probably nice” Remus said, defending the unknown girl. James and Sirius looked at him, as if he was insane. “What? They’re nice Slytherins” 

“Yeah? Like the one that tried to kill you” James said sarcastically. 

“WHAT?” Sirius yelled, a few of the costumers looked their way. “Who the fuck tried to kill you?” 

“Snape, it was fine, I didn’t die” Remus explained. 

“Snape tried to kill you?! Why did I not know this?!” 

“I mean I don’t know if he tried to kill me, he just used this obscure curse that made me bleed out and apparently I was dead for like half a millisecond” Remus. 

“YOU WHERE DEAD?!” Sirius looked murderous; the entire pub looked their way now. 

“Tone it down a notch, will you” Remus said with wide eyes. 

“Sirius I though you knew, didn’t Cassie tell you when she went looking for you?” 

“No! She just said Remus was in the infirmary so I ran, then I saw you walking so I assumed you were alright” 

“I was alright, I had just died for a second. But I was fine, I’m fine, I’m alive”

“I’m going to kill that motherfucker!” Sirius said looking bewildered. “James why didn’t we do anything?!”

“Moony broke his nose, and later I jinxed him with the jelly legs for an entire week. Don’t you remember?” 

“I thought you were doing that for fun! He deserves more than just jelly legs”

“I agree, but McGonagall made me promise we wouldn’t do anything” James said, reminiscing on the conversation. 

“I didn’t promise anything!” 

“Sirius, leave it, it’s in the past. Doesn’t matter” Remus said. 

“Remus, you died! He killed you! It does matter!” 

“He didn’t kill me!” 

“I’m killing him!” Sirius said, he was red in the cheeks with anger. 

“Sirius! Calm the fuck down!” Remus said, putting a hand on his arm. “You’re not killing anyone!” 

“I bloody should” Remus rolled his eyes and started drawing circles around Sirius’ hand mindlessly, hoping that the comforting act would help him calm down. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I thought you knew!”

“What did dying feel like?” James asked, chewing a French fry. 

“I didn’t see Bowie so I guess I wasn’t in heaven.” Remus answered. The truth was that he couldn’t remember too well, there hadn’t been much. 

☾☾☾

“I don’t know how you can do it” Jean, Peter’s date, said. She was smiling shyly at the ground. 

“What?” Peter asked sensing where the conversation was going. 

“Hang out with them. I mean Black’s horrible and there’s a rumor about Lupin” She said, she didn’t say the words particularly unkindly, just a matter of fact. As if they were talking about regular people and not Peter’s best friends. 

“What rumor?” Peter’s colour drained from his face. 

“No one believes it, obviously. But Snape’s always going on about half breeds and stuff. 

“Snape’s a dickhead, he doesn’t know a thing. He just hates us.” 

“Yeah, of course…but like, what if he’s right?” Jean said, she would be lying if she said that the thought hadn’t crossed her mind.

“He’s not, believe me, I wouldn’t be his friend otherwise” Peter said quickly, the lie falling heavy on his tongue and on his conscious. His parents didn’t raise him like Sirius’, but they weren’t exactly the Potters’ either. They had warned him about half breeds, repeatedly telling him how he should never surround himself with them. They also said that James and Sirius weren’t the best influences. But he’d never cared, and his parents didn’t press the subject too much. Jean laughed a little, that seemed to convince her. Which was all that Peter wanted. “They’re great when you get to know them, more than great really” 

“I guess…I don’t know if I want to find out” Jean said, the marauders had taunted her friends for five years, she wasn’t going to let them in so easily. 

“It’s not like your friends are much better” Peter said with a smile, Jean nodded and shrugged. 

“I guess not. Narcissa isn’t so bad” She said, trying to convince Peter. 

“Well, she’s the least bad when it comes to her or Bellatrix”

“Let’s stop talking about friends, it gets too complicated” Jean said, Peter nodded and they continued walking around Hogsmeade, hand in hand now. Peter hadn’t felt so good in a while, the OWLs on the horizon, the talk of a war, blood division, it all made him anxious. He knew what was supposed to be right, he should stay in his friends’ side, support them through it all. But…his parents and his friends outside of the school made him linger towards another mindset. Maybe he was weak for being influenced so easily. Being with someone like Jean, who wasn’t so black and white as his friends, gave him a small relief. He knew what the marauders thought, and he was afraid he might lose them if he ever said otherwise. 

☾☾☾

“Moony” A whisper awoke Remus in the middle of the night, he was usually a light sleeper but tonight he’d been so tired. He jolted awake, sitting up and rubbing his eyes. 

“Yeah?” he asked, his voice rough and sleepy. 

“Can I sleep here?” It was Sirius again, not that Remus minded. 

“Yeah, yeah, what time is it?” 

“Four” Sirius said, closing the curtain again and plopping down on the pillow. 

“What happened?” 

“I just couldn’t sleep” 

“You haven’t slept, at all!?” 

“Well, no” 

“Why didn’t you come sooner?” Remus asked. Sirius shrugged. 

“I don’t know…didn’t want to wake you” The truth was that, Sirius was afraid Remus would regret last nights events, or worse, that he thought nothing off them. 

“Then why didn’t you wake up James?” Remus asked, getting a tiny bit closer to Sirius, so that he was the only thing he would see. 

“I…uhmm… I didn’t want to go to James” Sirius said quickly, avoiding Remus’ gaze. 

“You’re an idiot Padfoot” Remus said smiling. Under the sheets, he grabbed Sirius’ cold hand and saw his face light up. Just like last night, Sirius threw himself against Remus and let all the tension and stress he had during the day be relieved by his best friends’ tender lips. They felt like tasting a bit of heaven, absolute freedom and joy mixed with toothpaste. Where they still kissing as friends? Sirius didn’t have any answers yet, but he had Remus, and that was all he really wanted. 

Remus was beginning to get accustomed to the feel of Sirius’ lips on his, and he feared the day that he would go without it. He pushed those thoughts away as he kissed Sirius more passionately, as if kissing him tonight would be enough. 

☾☾☾

“There will be new partners for this assignment” Professor Slughorn said in his breathy voice. The entire class mumbled to the person they wanted with smiles. “I will be choosing” The smiles faded instantly. “Miss Evans and Mr. Potter” he said, oblivious to James’ crush. James instantly jolted up with a huge smile, Lily looked miserable, as if she was about to complain. “Miss Abernathy and Severus” Cassie almost growled at him; Snape looked somewhat scared under her threatening glance. 

“Is Slughorn mad? We’re going to kill each other” Cassie said to Remus, grabbing her bag harshly and walking over to Snape’s table. Slughorn went on with his list of strangely made partners, the room was equally divided in smiles and frowns. 

“Lupin and Black…and that will be it” he said sighing, he had tried to equally divide boys and girls but apparently there were more boys than he had expected. They were already seated next to each other, so Slughorn went on about their weird new assignment. They had to brew an antidote to common potions, which was the most boring assignment they’d had all year. The room was chaos, everyone hated their partner, calling them names, yelling, full chaos. That’s usually what you get when you mix Slytherins and Gryffindors. Remus and Sirius smiled to themselves. 

“A galleon that Cas will punch Snape before the class is over” Remus said quietly. He was touching elbows with Sirius as he chopped Bezoar. 

“Deal” Sirius mumbled with a smile. “Pass me the mistletoe” he said, and Remus was reminded instantly of Christmas, and Mick. Remus hadn’t thought of him, except in passing thoughts, since school had started. Did that make him a bad person? Would Mick even care? “Moony?” Sirius snapped him from the movie of Mick and him kissing that was playing in his head. 

“Yeah sorry” Remus said shaking his head and quickly passing him the small bell jar. 

“You alright?” 

“Yeah, just thinking” Remus laughed a bit to ease Sirius. 

Lessons went and passed and Remus forgot about Mick again, his mind only had space for one person. He wanted to ask Sirius what exactly it was that they were doing, but what if he said something he didn’t like? The entire fantasy would be ruined. It was better to stay in that weird grey area they stood. 

“Cassie? Cassie!” Remus said. They were studying for the OWLs in the Ravenclaw Common Room, and Cassie had spaced away in the middle of a reading. She did that a lot, drift away in the middle of a conversation and stare into nothingness. 

Cassie was slowly starting to see more and more visions. Sometimes they came in dreams or nightmares, sometimes when she brushed the skin of another person, and other times when she was simply existing. Most of the time they were quick, blurry snippets. She heard screams or laughs, saw long black capes and graves and children and so many things at once. But she never actually understood anything, it infuriated her. Have of the time she felt like she was going mad. 

“Sorry, what?” It had been the house again this time. A big house, with a nice garden, and cozy furniture, there was no one she could see inside, but she heard a scream, and the black robe. There was no explanation to it, or a real meaning, but it still bugged her every day. 

“I said, what constellation is next to Crux? Cas, are you alright?”

“Uh I don’t know. Yes, I’m fine just…” she looked away, not wanting to lie to Remus but still not wanting to tell the truth. It felt stupid. “I keep seeing things” she whispered, noticing that her hands were beginning to shake a little. 

“What…things?” 

“I don’t know, it’s driving me mad! Really. I see a grave and black robes and I don’t know anything! They could be separate visions clustered into one, or something that happened in the past, or the present or the future! I’m clueless” She sounded desperate. Remus had never seen her so worked up; her eyes were almost in tears. 

“Shit, sorry Cas. I don’t know what to say.” 

“I just want to know what it is” 

“You’ll figure it out soon, I know. Maybe just like relax a bit? Let the visions come, I guess”

“Yeah, I’m tired Re, I can’t keep studying” She said sighing. A headache was carving a hole into her brain and the potions homework looked like jail. 

“Don’t worry, I’ll go it’s late anyway. Get some rest” He hugged the girl and left the lavender scented common room. 

Pale moonlight came in from the big window, hitting Remus softly on the eyes. As a child, he’d loved the moon, finding it the most fascinating and magnificent thing in the sky. But, as he grew older, and the moon caused scars on his pale skin, and gave him the deepest pain in his body, and made him have to live with a secret forever, he started resenting the white orb in the sky. All that the moon gave him now was a reminder of what he was, and didn’t want to be. When the years passed, Sirius taught him some constellations, not that Remus remembered all of them, but the small beauty of the star distracted him from the light the moon was giving. The small sprinkles of glitter reminded him to look up once in a while, and they made him fell the beauty, not just the sadness that the moon gave. He arrived at the Gryffindor Common Room with a loppy small smile, all that thinking of beauty and stars and the moon and Sirius filled his body with a homy warmth. James and Peter were playing a game of chess, James looking as concentrated as a doctor in surgery, Peter looked triumphantly relaxed. 

“Moony want me to kick your arse?” Peter asked with a smirk. 

“Shut up, Wormtail” James said, wanting concentration. 

“He gets grumpy when he loses” Peter said mockingly. 

“I’m tired, and besides, we all know I’ll win so what’s the point?” Remus said, whipping Peter’s smirk away. It was true, each marauder was better at chess than the last. Sirius could beat the three of them at the same time if he wanted, the thing was, he never wanted to play chess. He got easily distracted. Remus went up to their dorm to find Sirius already there. His heart sped up. Besides making out during the night, they were never really alone. Trying to act casual, Remus dropped his bag and threw himself into his soft bed. The pillow smelled strongly of Sirius. 

“My entire bed smells of your stupidly strong shampoo” Remus said, faking disgust. Sirius looked up, raising his eyebrows. 

“What more could you want?” He said. Why did he make everything sound so suggestive? Remus blushed, because it was true.

“Clean sheets” Remus said sitting up so he was eye level with Sirius. He was wearing a t-shirt that revealed his neck. Remus blushed noting the blemishes. Sirius noted his gaze and smirked. 

“Got a bit carried away last night, Moony?” 

“Shut up” Remus laid back down to avoid Sirius teasing gaze. 

That became inevitable when Sirius strutted to his bed and sat down at the edge. 

“What?” Remus asked, feeling slightly embarrassed. 

“Nothing” That smirk again, the bloody smirk made Remus feel like a dumb school girl. 

“Stop smirking” Remus said hitting him with a pillow. 

“Make me” 

Remus did. 

The kiss was slightly sloppy, because they were both smiling too much. 

“Stop smiling” Sirius scolded, wanting to get a proper kiss. 

“Make me” Remus mocked him. Sirius slipped a hand underneath his jumper, tracing his ribs and spine. It made Remus shiver, and the physical smile was gone. Sirius was grabbing the hem of Remus’ jumper, wanting to take it off. Remus wanted him to it, his heart was racing and his hands were cold. He wanted to get closer to Sirius. That's when the door blew wide open. Remus laid back down quickly, too quickly for James’ bad sight to catch anything else.


	22. pre OWLs

“Are you fucking serious!” A frustrated Lily Evans yelled in the middle of potions. Not many heads turned, because everyone was just as frustrated with their partners. Sirius and Remus turned; they were doing great. James met Sirius’ eyes and then looked back at Lily. 

“No, but I wish” He said, not being able to contain his laughter. Sirius burst out laughing and now everyone was looking. 

“Mr. Potter, Miss Evans! Detention!” Slughorn said from his desk. “Sorry Miss Evans, but no foul language is tolerated in this class, Mr. Potter stop distracting Mr. Black” 

“Yes, sorry Professor” She said looking at James murderously. “Look what you did” She said looking melancholically at their ruined potion. It was neon pink. 

“Looks fabulous!” 

“Potter I… ugh… I don’t even have the words to explain how I feel about you” She said angrily, her cheeks red in frustration. 

“Love? Adore?” 

“Professor!” She asked desperately “Please, I’ll do the assignment alone, I cannot stand Potter any longer!” 

“Miss Evans sometimes life is not what we want it to be, I’m sure you’ll make a great potion, you have the next two months!” 

“TWO MONTHS?!” Lily screeched; her throat sounded dry. Sirius was crying of laughter and Remus was looking concerned. 

“Well yes!” 

Lily stormed out of the dungeons; Remus swore he’d seen steam come off her. 

“Mr. Potter look what you did” Slughorn said disappointedly. James threw his hands into the air and started a new potion defeatedly. 

James looked glum for the next week, he didn’t look up smiling every time Lily entered a room, and he wouldn’t talk about her much. He looked utterly and completely defeated, he didn’t look like himself at all. Sirius wanted to say something stupid like ‘there’s other girls’, but now that he’d had a taste of what falling in love felt like, he knew that that sentence meant nothing. 

“Prongs” 

“What?” he said, messing with the mashed potatoes on his plate. 

“This is a good thing! You can start over now” Remus said nudging him. 

“What?!”

“Look, leave Evans for like a month or a week, just act civil around her. Then get her to be your friend, then boom she loves you” 

“I never thought you could sound so stupid, Remus” James said annoyed. “She hates me, despises me, loathes me” he said dramatically. 

“You spend too much time with Sirius.” 

“Hey!” Sirius said, kicking him beneath the table. They both smiled. 

“At least your vocabulary is growing” 

“Remus I’m starting to hate you” 

“Oh, shut up! Stop being so grumpy” 

“You’ve never even been in love with someone” 

“Yes, I have!” Remus said defensively, too quickly, without thinking. He regretted it as soon as he said it. James had his eyebrows raised and Sirius’ look was unreadable. Peter was snogging Jean in some obscure part of the castle, as he seemed to be doing most of the time these days. 

“Yeah who?” James asked he looked intrigued. 

“No one” Remus returned to his food, cheeks flaming. 

“If you think, even for a second, that I’m gonna let that go, you are absolutely and utterly insane” James said taking Remus’ plate away. 

“We were talking about you” Remus said 

“For once, I don’t want to talk about me” 

“You broke him Moony” Sirius said laughing a little, it sounded hollower than usual. 

“Who are you I love with?” James asked again, Remus rolled his eyes, trying to find a lie back there. 

“I’m not in love with anyone, never have been, never will be!” 

“You just said otherwise” Sirius said, with a mouthful of pasta. 

“Close your mouth Padfoot. I lied”

“I don’t believe you” James said. “But what I really can’t believe is that you wouldn’t tell me! That’s simply outrageous” 

“I need to finish our potions essay” Remus said, taking a piece of rolled bread and his bag. He didn’t give anyone time to say anything as he fled the scene. 

☾☾☾

After that day, Sirius didn’t whisper to Remus in the middle of the night again. He went to James’ when he needed to, like he’d done since first year. It’s not that he didn’t almost go to Remus every night, but seeing him asleep and tired, Sirius didn’t want to wake him. The thought of Remus falling in love with someone else also hurt him a little, it felt like the thorn of a rose was pricking his heart. Also, being with Remus every night brought too many questions in the morning that he was too afraid to ask. 

They fell into the old routine they’d had before Sirius had asked to kiss him. Talking normally, pranking every other day, doing homework together, going out on the full moon. It was as if nothing had ever happened…but of course, it had. Sirius felt like he was slowly being suffocated. If Remus was in the room, it was too small and the walls started to close in. If Remus brushed a long finger with his skin, his hairs would raise, electrified. It felt like slowly defending into madness because Remus didn’t seem to care. He didn’t ask Sirius why he didn’t go to him at night anymore, he didn’t ask for another kiss, nothing.

Sirius slowly drifted back to his usual ways of making out with girls heatedly in abandoned classrooms after class, or in between. He longed to feel something like he’d felt with Remus again, he wanted to feel in love. The girls left blemishes in the same spot Remus had, but none made Sirius smile, they kissed him on the same lips Remus had but they just felt sloppy and cold. Sirius even wore his love bites openly, trying to find a reaction in Remus’ eyes, but there was nothing. He simply smiled or looked away casually. 

☾☾☾

“Regulus it’s like he’s kissed every girl on the castle! He’s out of his mind!” Remus said, glad to vent to someone about what had been bugging him for the past seven hundred and thirty hours. They were back in the Astronomy Tower, catching each other by pure coincidence. Regulus provided cigarettes and Remus provided company. 

“Yeah, he sure is getting more action than both of us combined” Regulus took a long dragged and swallowed the smoke, letting it come out of his nose a bit later. 

“Yes! It’s like ugh!” Remus said frustratedly. He felt like a toy in Sirius’ game. 

“Re…ok don’t take this the wrong way, but why do you even care? I mean I get he’s your friend and all but…?” 

Remus felt his eyes sting with something other than the smoke. Why did he care? Sirius had never said that he felt anything for him. It was his own fault for believing that he eventually would. Remus stayed silent, taking in a cigarette and looking away to hide his puffy eyes. He hadn’t confessed his feeling for Sirius to anyone, but they were bottling up. He felt them in his throat every day, ready to spill if anyone asked. 

“Remus?” Regulus asked softly. Remus didn’t answer for a little while. He looked at the cloudy starless sky and felt the soft cold breeze in his face. His heart ached. 

“He kissed me and I fell in love with him” Remus said finally. It felt like such a simple sentence compared to the enormous amount of feelings he had. Regulus nodded. 

“That certainly tends to happen to people” he said sighing. Remus wondered what that meant. “Did he only kiss you once?” 

“No, a few times” 

“Hm…can’t say I’m surprised”

“About what?” 

“I mean, I always thought he was gay, but I thought he was too daft to notice it” Remus looked at him wide eyed. 

“You think he’s gay!?” 

“He did kiss you didn’t he? Loves that Bowie lad too much, draws too much male faces, just a hunch. Did he show you the paintings he did of you?” Regulus said as the thought entered his mind. 

“No! What do you mean?” 

“He drew you and James and Pettigrew all summer, but you most of all. He thought I wouldn’t notice, but I did sneak into his room quite often”

“He can’t be gay; he’s been kissing all the girls. He just did that with me to like experiment or some shit”

“Yeah, well ask him why he kisses a different girl every hour, they don’t do anything for his gay ass! But you might be right too, who am I to judge… actually I’m his brother I can judge that very clearly” Regulus said lighting another cigarette, he spoke freely. 

“I’m left in the same place again. Even if he is gay, which he isn’t, it’s not like he’s in love with me”

“Dude you’re an idiot sometimes. A huge idiot…like a Godly level” 

As Remus was about to ask what made him so idiotic, a very unpleasant face creeped out of the stairway. Filch had a lantern and Mrs. Norris at his feet. Regulus spit his cigarette and hid the rest of the box in his robes. 

“Sir Argus, what a pleasant surprise!” Regulus said in an incredibly polite voice. It suited him, the fake smile full of white perfect teeth, he spoke to Filch as if he was the most important wizard on the planet. 

“You two are coming with me!” He said through yellow teeth. “I always tell Dumbledore that you rats creep into the tower at night! I’ll prove it to him!” the man said to himself. 

Sooner than later they were at Dumbledore’s office, seated next to each other. Regulus looked completely calm, back straight and a pleasant smile. Remus slouched looking embarrassed. Dumbledore looked intrigued at the odd couple. 

“Argus, you may leave us now, thank you” Dumbledore said nodding at the caretaker. He waited for him and Mrs. Norris to leave until he looked at the two boys again. “Now, what exactly are you doing in my office in the middle of the night?” 

“Sir, we’re very sorry. We simply needed to talk about a matter, in a private place. We didn’t mean to break any rules, it was unfortunate that we did” Regulus said calmly, using the same voice he’d used for Filch minutes ago. Remus wasn’t convinced by his lie, and there was no denying that they smelt like chimneys. Dumbledore’s lips seemed to form the slightest smile. 

“Very well, Mr. Black…Mr. Lupin, do you have anything else to say?” 

“Uhhhh… no…Sir.” Remus wasn’t used to being addressed by disappointed teachers alone. Sirius always had a smart comment and James was always there to make them laugh and encourage Remus to speak about how they ‘hadn’t technically broken any rules’ . 

“I was young once too; I understand how inconvenient rules are. But they are there for a reason, and they are not meant to be broken. I know you both are exemplary students, and I hope I never see you out of curfew again. Now… may I ask what matter was so important that needed to be attended to at midnight? I cannot say I’m not surprised at the two of you together, forgive me if I’m being judgmental”

“No need to apologize, professor. We…” Regulus cursed Dumbledore for asking so many questions and his mind for not coming up with enough lies. 

“It was a private matter, if you don’t mind me saying… we would rather keep it, well, private.” Remus said, the old wizard didn’t need to know everything. 

“I see, we all have our secrets of course.” Dumbledore nodded. “Well, I don’t see the need for a detention. You may leave, but don’t miss curfew again please boys. And if you do…don’t get caught” 

Remus and Regulus left the office laughing loudly, racing each other to Gryffindor Tower.


	23. Maybe It Was The Boredom

Their OWL exams were this week, finally. Remus, James and Peter had been studying every day for the past two weeks, and they couldn’t wait for it all to be over. Sirius felt confident enough in his knowledge and decided to read Remus’ notes only once. Remus let him, forgetting what Regulus had said nights before. Sirius was still not addressing the situation and Remus wouldn’t be the first to do so either. 

James and Remus had sacrificed their birthday celebrations, against Sirius’ constant head shakes and scolding’s. They had settled for getting mildly drunk in their dorm and eating cake with forks and no plates. It had been heartwarming for both of them to spend some alone time with their friends, even if they did so every day. 

Exam week came and went, and Remus didn’t have enough time to think about Sirius and his won feelings. He could only hear the words to counter courses, ingredients in potions, dates of births and deaths of important people, healer plants and their qualities. When he thought of Sirius, all his exam knowledge would disappear, and he had to shake his head until it came back. Afterwards, his mind was more than exhausted, and he came to the dorm and fell asleep like a rock. 

Sirius, on the other hand, thought of Remus more than he should. His exams were easy, he definitely got many answers wrong, but not enough to fail. His honey eyes seemed to look back at him in every parchment. And in the silence of the classroom all he could hear where his thoughts. They’d gone more than two months without kissing, it had felt like an eternity that he could no longer bear. 

On Friday, they had their last exam. A long History of Magic parchment that never seemed to end. Remus wrote until his wrist cramped and his eyes felt watery from lack of blinking. He went back to the dorm, exhausted, to find Sirius sat in his bed reading a book. 

“Hey Moons” Sirius said glad to have an excuse to stop reading the book. “History of Magic?” he asked, noting his tired eyes. He’d had that exam early in the week, and not even nightmares had come at night, he had been too tired.

“Yeah” Remus said dropping his bag and sitting next to Sirius. “I hate exams” he said, resting his head on Sirius’ pillow. He’d missed that scent. 

“Who doesn’t?” Sirius laughed. 

“I hate you too” Remus said, looking at Sirius and pouting slightly. Maybe it was the tiredness or how his heart had been meaning to say it for so long. Sirius laughed. 

“Why do you hate me?” 

“For kissing me and never doing it again” Remus said closing his eyes against the pillow. 

He might have imagined it, it might have been a dream, but Sirius had planted a soft butterfly kiss on his lips and closed the curtains. Before the last ray of light was blocked with them Remus fell into a deep unconscious sleep. 

Sirius took of his school robes and changed into pajamas, which consisted of James’ pants and one of Remus’ old jumpers. He laid next to Remus, counting the small freckles that formed constellations in his cheek. He had wanted Sirius to kiss him again, he hated him for not doing it sooner. The butterflies fluttered around his stomach and his joy was unstoppable. At least for now, he wouldn’t ask any more questions. 

☾☾☾

Remus woke up to the bed sheets being pushed away from him. Sirius had sat up, he was breathing heavily and looked disoriented. 

“Pads?” Remus said, sitting up a little. His voice was rough and he was still in his uniform. Sirius breathed in deeply and laid back. 

“Sorry that I woke you” 

“It’s fine, what happened?” 

“Just…dreams” Sirius said sighing. Remus found his hand and squeezed it. He hesitantly got closer, and Sirius did too. Remus breathed in his strong scent of mahogany and something floral that he assumed was jasmine, sometimes he smelt like cigarettes too, or that might just be himself. “Did you mean what you said?” Sirius asked, his voice was weaker than usual. 

“What did I say?” Remus said with a smile, bring Sirius’ hand to his chest. 

“That you hated me” Sirius smiled back “For not kissing you again” 

“Oh that…did I really say that, I thought it was a dream” Remus said teasingly. Sirius hit him playfully on the head. “Ow!” 

“Shhhh! You’re gonna wake them up!” 

“You truly don’t think” Remus said casting a quick silencing charm. 

“Why should I when you do enough thinking for the both of us?” 

“I still hate you” Remus said raising an eyebrow. 

Sirius clashed their mouth together again. Remus breathed in the first deep breath in months. The kissed was so passionate that somehow it made up for the two months they’d been apart…but sill, it wasn’t enough. Remus had his hands on Sirius’ hair feeling the small undulations that formed sometimes, making him look like he’d just been close to the sea. Sirius’ hands had been almost everywhere, taking in his shape like a sculpturer. 

“Why didn’t you kiss me again?” Remus said, stopping to grasp a second of breath, he closed the distance before Sirius could answer, finding that the feeling of Sirius’ mouth apart from his was not good. 

“I thought you didn’t want me to” Sirius said between kisses. “You said you were in love with someone” his hands were below Remus’ ribs now. 

“Yeah…” Remus shivered at his touch “You” 

Sirius stopped the kiss to look him in the eyes. Why did he look so surprised? Hadn’t he noticed? Before Remus could really take in what was happening, his pants were on the floor and his shirt was somewhere unknown, not that he minded. Sirius was kissing him with a smile, making their teeth clash like so many months ago. He felt Sirius’ fingers on the arch of his back, making it bend slightly forward so he was closer. He wanted to feel every inch of Sirius, to forget that he was another person. 

“Are you okay with this?” Sirius asked, planting small kisses on his neck. He always, always asked, sometimes too many times to feel reassured. 

“Yes” Remus mumbled, it came out slurred as Sirius continued his kisses. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop” he met their mouths again. Remus felt dizzy, how did he get Sirius to do this? What did he do to deserve someone as good and perfect as him?

They didn’t sleep that night. Remus felt what all those singers were singing about and Sirius felt like he was drifting in a cloud. How did he get so lucky? He felt Remus in his heart in his body and in his soul. He felt so much, so deeply, that his heart felt near bursting. It scared him. Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus’ waist, planting small kisses everywhere, momentarily feeling like he was overstepping. Remus smiled; his face was redder than Gryffindors’ Quidditch robes. Sirius laid on Remus’ arms, his mind empty, there was nothing else to think about, nothing more important than the moment.

☾☾☾

Exams had ended, and so a cloud of nothing to do, clouded the marauders. Of course, with so much time, pranking was a big idea on their minds. They did minor things every other day, switching another’s student’s hair to neon green, dung bombs in the bathrooms, bribing the portraits to sing annoying muggle songs for hours on end, and so on. Maybe it was that boredom, or the memory of Snape cursing Remus, but one sunny May afternoon, the marauders found themselves taunting Severus Snape again. It had started like usual, casual, insults and eye rolling, but soon things started to escalate. Snape had come to disturb their peace by the Beech tree, and James being the protective mother of the group he was, wasn’t taking any of it. 

“What are you gonna do Potter!? Huh?” Snape said, as he saw James standing up and putting a hand on his wand pocket. “Curse me?” Snape laughed, a hollow mocking laugh that held no joy. Before Snape could laugh again, James had used wordless magic and levitated him up in the air. 

“Oh, look at him, Sirius, wearing cute little toy boxers” James laughed, a real laugh, but it still held some malice. It was true, Snape had been using boxers with a potion vial pattern. 

“Put me down Potter!” Snape yelled 

“Or what? What are you going to do Snivellus?” Sirius and Peter were laughing loudly, attracting the attention of nearby Hufflepuffs and fellow Gryffindors.

“You’ll regret this Potter!” 

“Oh, I’m shaking, please Snivellus have mercy on me!” 

Remus had never seen someone look so angry as Snape was in that moment. The tiniest part of him felt pity, it was definitely embarrassing what James was doing… but it was Snape after all, he deserved it. 

“Potter!” A strong female voice yelled. Lily approached, looking at Sirius first with a murderous look. “Put him down!” 

“No” James said smiling. Snape flew in the air; he was starting to look green. A crowd of students had formed around the scene, most of them were laughing and mimicking Snapes expressions. 

“James put him down right now!” Lily yelled again, taking out her wand and pointing it at James. 

“If you insist” James said nonchalantly. He dropped Snape from ten feet in the air, without warning. He fell quickly, a pile of robes, with a loud thud. Snape yelped, probably having the air kicked out of his lungs. 

“How can you be so foul?!” Lily said, walking towards Snape. 

“Live a little Evans, he started it” James said. Lily ignored him completely. 

“Severus?” Lily asked, seeing her friend starting to get up. “Do you need…” 

“I’m fine! I don’t need help from anyone, especially not from you, mudblood” Snape said, his face was angry and unforgiving, he said that so quickly, so casually, completely forgetting himself for a second. He regretted it instantly. Lily’s face was still, it was scarier than seeing her angry. She looked completely stone cold, it reminded Sirius of his mother’s gaze sometime. The entire crowd had stopped laughing and Sirius looked so utterly furious. Remus put a hand on his arm to stop him from doing something stupid. Lily’s mind was racing, should she hit him? Punch him in a typical mudblood way? It would be satisfying, he deserved it too. But there he was, Severus, her first friend ever. How could he say such a thing? Did the not care?

“I hope it lives in your conscious that that will be the last word you will ever say to me” Lily said, cold sharp cuts into Snapes’ mind. She turned on her heel and left. Everyone looked shocked. James felt horrid, this was his fault, Lily had lost a friend because of him. Sirius ran after Lily, until she yelled at him to leave her alone, and he took the hint. Snape left, disappearing for the rest of the weekend. Everyone in the crowd went back to their original places, looking glum, and conversing their experiences in being called a mudblood.


	24. do u think ur gay?

“Who’d you make out with?” James asked casually over lunch, pointing a fork at Sirius neck from the other side of the table. He didn’t really notice how many hickeys Sirius was sporting these days, sure, there were more than usual, but it was Sirius after all. Sirius’ had a cold rush of blood, he looked up from his plate to find Remus avoiding his gaze with the tiniest trace of a smirk on his lips. Remus healed his own marks with a spell he didn’t want to share with Sirius, not that he minded. 

“No one” Sirius bit his lip to prevent himself from smiling too much. James looked at him suspiciously now. 

“You’re not gonna tell me?” James raised his eyebrows. 

“Just a fourth year, she’s kind of desperate” Sirius said teasingly. Remus scoffed. 

“I can tell” Peter said, counting the love bites. 

“Yeah, the other day, she said she had a crush on me” Sirius looked delighted at seeing Remus’ face heat up. 

“What did you do?” James asked looking weirded out. 

“Went down on her” 

Remus choked on his food, looking horrified at Sirius’ smirk. 

“Huh” James said, looking deep in thought. “Do you like her?” 

“Yeah, I mean she’s hot, makes my heart race and all that…” Sirius said looking at Remus, who was avoiding his gaze at all costs. “It’s complicated” he said with a trace of sarcasm, looking at James now. Remus moved around his food, hiding a smile. 

☾☾☾

In their last period of lessons, Sirius found himself being thrown into a broom closet…again. This time, he didn’t even have enough time to see who it was, before lips were crashing into his. He had noticed it was Remus from the second his hand had wrapped around his arm. He would know that feeling anywhere, in a black hole, in death, blinded, anywhere. He tasted of those cinnamon mints he took everywhere and the cigarettes he’d smoked during lunch. Remus had him pinned against the small walls, with his hands on his cheeks. 

“I’m a hot girl now?” Remus asked, separating their lips. He was still close enough that Sirius could see his eyes glint, even in the darkness of the closet. His cheeks burned hot because of their closeness. 

“You’ve always been a hot girl” Sirius said with a smirk. 

“You’re making fun of me” Remus said matter-of factly. His hands were still on Sirius cheeks, keeping him in place. 

“I would never!” Sirius said, closing in the distance again. No matter how many times they’d kissed already, he still felt dizzy every time. He became lightheaded and weak in the knees, completely forgetting what to think. Remus turned a little, wanting to stop the kiss but not having enough self-control to do so. Sirius turned to his neck then. 

“Sirius” Remus said, trying to sound confident, but sounding like a drugged person. Sirius didn’t stop. “Ok, Sirius” Remus said, clearing his throat now, his mind was still blank though. Why had he told Sirius to stop?

“What’s wrong?” Sirius backed away immediately. 

“This” Remus sighed, not wanting to have this conversation, but knowing better than not to. Sirius’ skin paled. 

“What’d you mean ‘this’?” 

“What are we doing?” Sirius couldn’t deny that that thought hadn’t been plaguing his mind ever since they had started doing…whatever it was they were doing. 

“I…uhhh...I-we’re” Sirius stumbled over his words, because genuinely, he didn’t have an answer. If Remus had been a girl, and not his best friend, Sirius’ would’ve asked him to be his boyfriend a long time ago. “Why are you asking me?! You’re also in this!” 

“That’s why I’m asking you, because I don’t know!”

“Why are you asking now?” Sirius said, slight panic entering his veins once again. 

“Because I should’ve done it a long time ago! Sirius, I’m not like you, I can’t just…fuck people and pretend like we’re still friends or make out with someone multiple times a day, and then just…!” Remus didn’t have enough words, how could he tell Sirius that he was in love with him, and that it was hurting him every day to not fully have him, without saying exactly that. Sirius looked taken aback by Remus’ words, maybe even offended.

“Remus! I don’t ever fuck around like that! I’m not a whore, I don’t go around making out with half the school!” 

“Yes, yes you do! There’s nothing wrong with doing that, I don’t care, I’m not saying it in a bad way it’s just a fact. I just don’t want to be another on your list, and I know that I am!” Sirius knew Remus was right, he knew that he’d kissed a good amount of the fourth- and fifth-year girls, but still it bugged him. Why did Remus think that? He didn’t kiss girls because he wanted to, exactly. Did he not get that he meant more to him than ninety nine percent of the people on this Earth?

“What is wrong with you?!” 

“Sirius just listen without getting mad for a second!” 

“No, Remus I’m sick of this! I’m sick of people having an idea of me in their heads that is nothing like what I am! I don’t sleep with half the school because I want to, and you…you’re the only person, the only person in my entire life, that I’ve felt something for. And I’m sick of people thinking that they’re disposable to me, because they’re not! I care! I fucking care about everyone and people still can’t get past the surface!” Sirius was yelling his heart out to Remus, because he’d felt that for too long. Remus was blank faced. “I literally notice everything! I’ve been trying so hard not to, but I do! I notice that you still don’t look at the left side of your face because you hate the scars, I notice that you read The Picture of Dorian Gray every time you feel sad, I notice that you turn your jumpers inside out to sleep, I notice that you hate unexpected loud noises, and that you’re worried about things you shouldn’t be worried about, and I notice that you notice me, as a friend as a brother as something!” Sirius was too heated for Remus to interrupt anything. Remus felt like a scolded child, who’d just been proven wrong…because he was exactly that. 

“I…Sirius I didn’t…” 

“Forget it, Moony. Forget it!” Sirius said, disappointedly. He left the closet; were minutes ago he’d been peaking happiness. 

☾☾☾

Remus gave Sirius a few days to cool down, they were both miserable in the meantime. Even James had noticed that something was wrong, he constantly asked Remus about it, and looked at Sirius wearily. Term was ending soon, and Remus had to fix things before summer started and they didn’t talk for two months. What exactly had Sirius meant with all that though? ‘You’re the only person I’ve ever had feelings for’ played on Remus’ mind like a broken record. What kind of feelings? Why did he have to overthink everything? 

“Mr. Lupin!” McGonagall snapped him out of his misery, and into another one. The entire class was looking at him, waiting for him to do…what? 

“Eh, sorry… what?” Remus said stupidly. 

“I asked you to transform the cup in front of you, Mr. Lupin. I expect my students to pay attention in class, not daydream about who knows what!” McGonagall scolded. Remus’ face heat up in shame. 

“Sorry Professor… uh” 

“I don’t suppose you payed attention to the spell either? Mr. Black, help your friend out, will you” Sirius scoffed, privately at ‘friend’. Only Remus cached it, it made him want to jump off the window. McGonagall looked weariedly between the two, when the ominous school bell rang, saving them. Sirius was the first out of the class, walking hurriedly back to Gryffindor Tower. Remus ran to catch up, hoping that his laggy brain would finally come up with something to say. Sirius ignored his attempts, getting into their dormitory as if he was alone. Sirius had been doing a lot of thinking these days, and he came to the conclusion that he couldn’t live without Remus. He yearned for him every second, not that he would ever let it show.

“Can you stop ignoring me?” Remus asked defeatedly. Sirius stared at him with piercing eyes. 

“You’re the one that’s ignoring me” 

“I… I- I wasn’t ignoring you” 

“Then what do you call not talking to a person for four days?” 

“I was giving you space”

“I didn’t ask you for space” 

“Well, fuck, I’m sorry!” Remus yelled.

“Ok” Sirius shrugged and started emptying his bag. Remus stared at him, as if his gaze could make him understand. 

“Sirius!”

“What?!” Remus looked at him as if the answer was obvious, even though he didn’t know it himself. 

“Are we just gonna leave this here?!” 

“Remus, I told you what I thought already”

“No, you didn’t!” 

“I like you; I don’t know how to make that any clearer for you”

“Ok, but you’ve always liked me… And you like James, and you like Cassie, and…” 

“You’re so daft!” Sirius yelled, but a small smile creeped his lips. It was cute, when Remus simply didn’t get things. 

“Sirius, you’re driving me insane!” 

“Now you know how I feel! Remus…I’m in love with you!” There, he’d said it. 

Why would Sirius, out of all people, be in love with him? With his scarred flesh and monstrosity. Remus had always found it hard to believe that he would ever have friends, and now…this. Remus knew he was in love with Sirius too, he’d figured that much out. But he shouldn’t be, what about their friendship? And what about the fact that he was a werewolf and could hurt him? And, more selfishly, what if he broke his heart?

“But” Remus started. 

“No buts” Sirius smiled. Remus hesitantly kissed him, not minding that someone might barge in at any moment. His lips felt like that warmth you got after entering a room, coming from the freezing cold. It spread champagne bubbles all over his body. 

“Do you think you’re gay?” Remus asked, he knew that kind of question would never bother Sirius, like it might so many people.

“Well…I’m clearly gay for you” Remus laughed. “But yeah, I guess, I never felt like this for a girl…you?” Remus shrugged.

“I don’t know, I would say that I just fall in love with people first, not their gender. I’ve never liked a girl though” Sirius laughed and kissed him on the cheek, a bit sloppily. “So…what are we” 

“Whatever you want. I like you; you like me.” Sirius shrugged. “Doesn’t have to be anything”

“Ok then” 

“Dorms empty” Sirius said suggestively. 

“Mhm” 

☾☾☾

Now that things were somewhat clear between the two of them, Sirius found that Remus was a hell of a touched starved person. He would slip a hand under the table into his when they studied in the library, he would get close enough so that their hips touched when they walked through the halls, when they were alone Remus would always embrace him or cuddle himself on his neck, not to mention the nights, were they got so close that Remus had to remind himself that he was an individual person. Sirius loved it, every second of it, he loved seeing Remus’ mind working how to touch him without anyone getting suspicious. He loved seeing how hesitant he looked every time he did it, he swore he could hear Remus’ internal monologue, pulling up the courage to do it. James and Peter were oblivious to all of this, they were used to Sirius being overly affectionate, and so they didn’t really notice anything. Other eyes, who were a lot more observant did though. Lily Evans and Cassie Abernathy were seen whispering in the Gryffindor Common Room with big smiles.

“Do you think they’re dating?” Lily asked. 

“I don’t know, I’m sure they’re something though. Remus is so obvious my God!” 

“I know! The dude can’t act to save his life I don’t know how he keeps so many secrets” Lily said 

“I saw Sirius blush today in Transfiguration. Sirius Black, blushing! I swear he would’ve giggled if we weren’t in class” Cassie said, Lily bursting out laughing. James descended the stairs from his dorm, and Lily’s laughter faded. She gave him a slight death stare and continued talking to Cassie, but her mind wasn’t on the conversation anymore. It was on Potter, and his stupid face. The way he’d tormented Severus, and what he’d said. She couldn’t deny that Severus was falling down a dark path, for years on now, but she’d never actually comprehended how serious he was about it. James didn’t look twice at the girls, smiling slightly at Cassie when she looked up. He had the audacity to completely ignore Lily. He sat on the opposite side of the room where Remus was seated, and started scribbling away in some parchment. She felt slightly upset about it, but scolded herself for it. She shook away the thought of him and stared back at Cassie. 

“I have to go Marls is waiting for me” Cassie said quickly, getting an odd sensation on her skin. 

“Ok, see you tomorrow?” Lily asked 

“I hope, haven’t packed a sock” Cassie said. The term ended in two days, and Lily was trying to spend as much time possible, distracted from the thought of returning home. Cassie exited the common room, blowing a kiss at Remus, and Lily felt alone again. 

“It’s on the third floor” James not so whispered, whispered to Remus. 

“No, it’s on the second!” 

“No, remember Padfoot disappeared that day”

“James, I know that the rose painting is there, the French queen is next to it” 

“Yes, on the third bloody floor!” James exclaimed. Lily watched the interaction unfold, wondering what exactly they were scheming. “Where the hell is Padfoot”

“He’s asleep” 

“Why the fuck is he always tired now.” James said annoyedly. Remus blushed a deep crimson at that, only Lily noticed. “I’m waking him up!”

“It’s on the third floor” Lily said, sounding confident. James and Remus looked up at her with questioning glances. “You speak loudly. The rose painting is on the third floor” Lily said matter of factly. 

“Told you” James said with a triumphant grin. Remus erased something and scribbled it down again. “Thanks Evans” Lily rolled her eyes. 

A few hours later, a sleepy looking Sirius came down the stairs. James was in the kitchen, getting them some snacks, and the only other person in the room, besides Remus, was Lily. 

“Look who’s up” Remus said, grinning. 

“I’m knackered, it’s your fault” Sirius said, walking straight towards Remus, who was sitting on the couch. Sirius, almost out of custom, pecked Remus on the edge of the lips, and sat down next to him. Remus looked wearily at Lily, had Sirius not noticed she was there? “Where’s Prongs?” In that moment, Lily sneezed, loudly. Sirius turned to look at her, his expression didn’t change. “Bless you, Evans” Remus stared at Sirius wide eyed. “What?!” Lily laughed. 

“She…she’s been here the entire time” 

“So?” Remus gave him a few seconds, to see if he could work it out on his own. “Oh! You think I care?! It’s Lily for Christ sake, she knew I liked you before I knew I liked you!” Remus looked surprisedly at Sirius. Sirius kissed him again, as if to prove a point. Remus let him, leaning towards Sirius a bit more, smiling before pulling away. Even if Lily knew, he didn’t like too much PDA. 

“Do James and Peter know?” Lily asked with a grin. 

“Five galleons they don’t figure anything out before December” Remus said 

“Deal…I know I’m going to lose” Lily said.


	25. last days of 5th year

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First love never die  
> Can you feel the same?  
> I will never love again

The scene was a vision. James Fleamont Potter was crowd diving in the middle of the Ravenclaw Common Room, he was drunk. More than drunk, wasted, completely bashed. It was their last night at school, so naturally, that called for a party. Ravenclaw volunteered this time, after not hosting a single party the entire year. There were too many Slytherins, for most of Gryffindor and Hufflepuffs opinion. The Who were playing loudly from a muggle speaker thing, that Sirius didn’t know the name off. He stood at the back, peacefully sipping a mixture of vodka, firewhiskey and butterbeer, it tasted strangely nice. Remus was at his hip. 

“Reggie!” Sirius heard James loudly yell, and his senses sparked up. Even if his mind had been fuzzy and cloudy a few minutes ago, it wasn’t now. His brows furrowed and Remus felt him tense up a little.

“You alright?” Remus asked, a bit slurred. He placed an arm at the small of his back.

“Yeah, yeah” Sirius shrugged him off. After having a mildly pleasant Christmas holiday, Regulus had distanced himself from Sirius again, almost avoiding him. Sirius saw his best friend and brother chatting happily. It gave him a strange feeling in his stomach, almost sadness. Because, he knew that Regulus would never be like James. Regulus wouldn’t stay with him for a lifetime, and he wouldn’t choose him first over something like family. Something deep inside of him knew that Regulus was a Black first, and his brother way further down the list. It hurt to know it was true, and it was even harder to accept that he almost felt the same. He wondered when was Regulus leaving him, for good. He wondered if James ever would, but he knew the answer to that, not really. The people you love never truly leave you. Maybe, Regulus wouldn’t leave him either, he would stay in the corner of his heart. “Moony?” 

“Yes?” Remus looked down on him, with his inviting brown eyes and soft expression. He saw his rosy cheeks and the premature lines on his forehead that came with too much concern, he saw the scars that sewed his face, and the soft freckles’ that sprinkles it. Remus would never leave him. Remus would always be there, something told him that, maybe it was a lie, but Sirius couldn’t believe otherwise. He was certain to stay in his heart forever, and if he left the Earth before he did, Sirius prayed he wouldn’t, he would always have the moon. The moon that looked down at Remus, the moon that chose him to be its child. Maybe he was already emotional, and that’s why the thought sparked, but Sirius knew it had always been there. Like a tooth ache you can’t shake off. He wasn’t just in love with Remus, he loved him. The thought sparked there, but Sirius wouldn’t have the courage to say it until a lot later on. Maybe he came to regret it one day, wondering if saying ‘I love you’ then and there, would’ve changed something. 

“Can we get completely wasted?” Sirius said instead, smirking, even though he felt like crying. Of sadness or happiness, he didn’t really know. 

“Why not?” 

They did, they got so drunk, that they forgot who they were. The room spun, and the music hammered in their veins, and when they danced the ground shook. It was blissful happiness, complete and utter recklessness. There was nothing that could possibly go wrong. James and Lily and Peter where smiling and Sirius thought that if he would die right then, he would go happily. 

He slept on his own bed that night, seeing as they both where about to throw up at any moment, and wanting to give Remus the space he knew he needed, but would never ask for. He would doze on and off because of the warmth in his body, the firewhiskey and other alcohols were working their effects. James was the first to get up. Around five in the morning, they heard a loud thud, James opening the bathroom door aggressively and a loud retching sound. Peter, whose bed was closest to the bathroom looked away disgusted. Sirius laughed, and Remus was still fast asleep. The sound and smell of the vomit, caused Peter to go next. Sirius looked at Remus, who had fallen asleep with his curtains opened, still in his clothes. He looked completely peaceful and comfortable that Sirius fell asleep one last time. 

The next morning, Remus pulled out his ‘first aid kit’ with an aspirin and one of Madame Pomfrey’s nausea potions. He looked fresher than a lettuce, the three boys looked at him annoyedly, before he pulled out the kit again, and served them all. 

“You’re a God’s sent, Moony” Sirius said, kissing his temple. James and Peter didn’t bat an eye, Sirius did that all the time. They drank the things, still looking half asleep. Sirius’ mood didn’t improve through the day, only getting worse and worse. He had to go home today, he had to see his mother. He had to stay in that prison of a house for two months. His friend looked at him wearily, watching what they said for the fear of him snapping at them. As Sirius finished packing, James and Peter went down for their last lunch. Remus lingered by his bed. 

“Padfoot…”

“Mmm” Sirius didn’t look up, he had his jaw clenched tightly and his eyes were stern. Remus got closer, reclining his body on the pole of Sirius’ bed. When Sirius was walking away, to the other side to pick up his mountain of unpacked clothes, Remus grabbed him by the waist and gently tugged him closer. Sirius blushed but looked away. Remus kissed him softly, the thought of not kissing him for a while crossing his mind. Sirius broke the kiss first and looked down, bouncing his feet anxiously. “I’ll miss that”

“We’ll be back before you can” Remus said smiling. 

“That’s a lie. I already miss it.”

Remus kissed him again. 

“I’ll miss you” Sirius said, with his heart heavy. Remus kissed him again. 

“I’ll miss you too, I always miss you” 

“Will you…will you go back to Mike” Sirius said with a tiny sad smirk. 

“Mick” 

“Whatever, you know who I mean” 

“Not if you don’t want me to” Remus said. They were something, but the rules weren’t clearly written. Where they exclusive? Where they boyfriends? Neither knew really 

“Do you want to?” 

“No, he isn’t you” 

Sirius kissed him first this time, slowly pushing him to the bed.


	26. Grimmauld Place 1976

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've got you brother  
> Oh brother, we'll go deeper than the ink  
> Beneath the skin of our tattoos

“Sirius!” Walburga yelled from downstairs. Sirius’ felt a shiver down his body and hid his drawings quickly. 

“What?!” he yelled insolently. He heard her light steps come up the stairs. Everyone in his family had animal grace, almost serpent like, and no steps could be heard. But Sirius had frown to fear that light silence that approached him and became heavier as the seconds wore on. 

“Do not speak to me like that!” She said coldly, drawing a straight line with her wand, making it look like a whip. Sirius felt a cut slowly appear on his wrists, who was already covered in white lines. To anyone’s eye, it could be a paper cut, thin, delicate, accidental. But if you looked at it for more than a second, you could see that the wound cut deep, so deep that you could almost see bone. It stung. Sirius dizzied at the pain and bit his lip hard to feel something else. You can’t feel pain in two places at once. “We’re dinning at the Malfoys tonight. Try not to look so homeless” She said, with those bird-like eyes that seemed to haunt Sirius like a raven. She turned on her heel, and stopped after a minute. “I expect you to behave, if not…there will be consequences” Sirius nodded, feeling a hollow rock on his stomach. There was nothing he craved more than someone’s comfort…Remus’ comfort. He wanted to run to him and cry his eyes out. 

At five in the afternoon, after spending an entire day staring at the ceiling, feeling miserably and crawling into a ball of self-pity, Sirius got up to get ready. There was nothing he wanted less than that. He’d been home two days and it was already miserable; he missed his friends, he was alone. Being alone was the worst, probably the thing he hated more in the entire world. When he was alone, he was alone with his thoughts, he was forced to sit there and contemplate every thought that passed his mind. Grimmauld Place seemed to haunt his mind into thinking the worst possible things. 

James hates you, hates it when you complain about family, he’s tired of being your friend, you don’t deserve him, he’s too good. Peter thinks you’re fake, even he knows that you don’t deserve James, they probably laugh about you together when you’re not around, if he knew you liked Moony, he would never speak to you again. Remus…Remus…Remus. He pities you; he doesn’t really love you like you love him; you know that. He’s too nice to break your heart, he probably still likes Mick, bet he’s kissing him right now. You don’t deserve him either. Look at you, you don’t even know who you are, pretending to be something you’re not. Deceiving yourself so much, that you’ve become deceived to yourself. Who do you think you are? Everyone thinks you’re a supremacist, like your family. You should be one, make someone proud for once. 

When that last thought passed his mind, Sirius seemed to wake up. No, what was he even thinking? He stared in the mirror. Long hair, eyebags, sharp cheekbones, rosy lips, love bites on the left side of his neck. He liked that. Long emerald robes, black shirt, black pants, family ring. That, he didn’t like. That wasn’t him. He teared the robes and the ring, leaving the shirt and pants. He searched for his schoolbag, where the things he actually wore and liked resided. He opened a small jewelry bag, letting the metals crash with the sleek wood floor. He searched the bottom of his closet, to find some of the clothes he’d accidentally stolen from James and Remus. Peter’s close had never fitted. He pulled an old tie of James, crimson with a moon stitched in the back. His mother had gotten it for him before they knew Remus was a werewolf, and when they found out, Sirius had asked for it. Gryffindor and Remus…two of his favourite things. Seeing things in retrospect, Sirius wonder if he’d ever not liked Remus. Liked, as in more than a friend. He always had. He put on the tie, and looked at his rings. Some of them were Lily’s and others were Remus’, most of them where his own. He put on a silver one that was made of roses, carved with a tainted black outline, one of Lily’s that was a simple silver band with ‘Lily’ carved on the inside, and lastly, Remus’ one which was an ancient, slightly rusted silver band with the Lupus constellation carved into it. He had worn that ring ever since third year, Remus used to wear it as a pendant around a chain, but he’d taken a particular dislike for it as the years went by. Sirius felt his old confidence slowly coming back, he had his friends with him. 

☾☾☾

“No, of course not, they’re blood traitors” Walburga spit. Sirius’ body tensed as he looked at his food. 

“Well yes now, but everyone can get the chance to make things right, can they not?” Abraxas said. Sirius didn’t know what made him angrier, his mother calling them blood traitors, or Abraxas saying that they might change mindsets. Definitely Abraxas thing, if the Potter ever became supremacists, Sirius would lose his faith in humanity. “I’ve heard you two are quite close with the boy, what’s his name…James?” Abraxas said nodding at Sirius and Regulus. Regulus blushed and tensed, just as Sirius had. 

“Yes, James” Sirius said, with a fake smile. He didn’t want to speak about James with people so foul. “He’s my fellow Gryffindor” 

“Is he your friend” he pressed, Walburga eyed him. 

“Yes, my best friend”

“Regulus? Lucius has told me…” 

“Nothing. James is my brothers’ friend; I speak to him when I need to. That’s all. Forgive my disrespect, but it is no bodies business” Regulus stared at Lucius with cold daggers, speaking quickly and authoritatively. Sirius had never seen Regulus interrupt someone, a lot less telling them, in kind polite words, to fuck off. Walburga looked pleased, that was the difference with Sirius and Regulus. If Sirius had said that, he would be bleeding before he could get out the door.

“No disrespect, forgive my nosiness” Abraxas said with a fake smile. 

Sirius looked over at Regulus who was still red-faced. Why had James sparked that sudden interruption? Was it because of Sirius? Or was it James? Where they closer than he knew? He saved all these questions for later. 

The rest of the meal was fake conversation about politics and the future. Sirius wasn’t really listening, it was bullshit either way, and he had other things in mind. The thoughts of today’s afternoon resurfaced, with them, a deep sadness that seemed to cover his heart. He missed Remus. He used him as an anchor to flush away the thoughts of not being liked. Remus had to like him; he’d said so. His mind told him it was a lie, but his heart wouldn’t let that in.

☾☾☾

“Reg” Sirius knocked on his bedroom door, waiting for a few minutes for an answer. It was late, he was probably asleep. “Reg” he knocked again, louder this time. 

“Yeah?” The door swung open, revealing Regulus. He looked dispersed; his thoughts were elsewhere. “Come in” Regulus went back to his bed, piling the lose parchments’ that were spread on it. They both sat down, waiting for the other to speak. 

“You defended… me or James today” Sirius said matter of factly. 

“Well yeah, I defended myself too I guess.” 

“What did Abraxas mean? About Lucius telling him something…” Regulus sighed. 

“Is that ring new?” Regulus said staring at his hand. Wanting to change the subject of the conversation. 

“No, it’s Lily’s” 

“Who’s that?” 

“The redhead James is in love with, green eyes, always looks intimidating…I was trying to have a serious conversation with you” Sirius said, noticing Reg’s technique. 

“I’m trying to subtly avoid it.” 

“I didn’t even know you spoke to James” 

“I speak to him, yeah” Regulus said obviously. 

“You know what I mean” 

“No, I don’t” When Regulus wanted to avoid something, it was easier to talk to a rock. 

“Reg!” Sirius sighed, annoyed at his stubbornness. “I didn’t know you where…friends…friendly”

“Surprise Sirius! I have friends” 

“So, you are friends?” 

“You could say that, yeah, I guess.” 

“You guess?” 

“I like him, he’s nice.” Regulus said nodding. 

“I know that, he’s my best friend” 

“I know” 

“How did you become friends?” Sirius asked. 

“We used to talk about you a lot, since my second year. He just wanted to check on what happened when you were at home, and then I checked up on you through him. So yeah… through the years I guess we just started talking about other things too” 

“Like?” 

“I don’t know! Just what you talk about with friends” Regulus said getting impatient.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t James tell me?!” 

“We don’t have to tell you everything! You don’t tell me anything!” 

“I have nothing to say, I’m an open book I don’t have secrets!” Regulus scoffed at that, smirking a little. 

“Aha, what about Remus? You fucking little liar” Regulus smiled, he had something over him. Sirius blushed the deepest shade that his face would allow, smiling idiotically at thew thought of Remus. 

“What about Remus?!” 

“Oh, stop acting like you don’t know! He told me!”

“HE TOLD YOU” Sirius said standing up

“Calm down”

“Why the fuck did he tell you? When did he tell you?! Why the fuck are you suddenly besties with MY friends? I mean not that I mind, but I would’ve liked to know”

“He has always been my friend, you blind idiot. We’ve literally been studying together since third year. He told me a few months ago, just said that you kissed him and then ignored him. He was terribly sad, I almost cursed you the next day”

“He ignored ME... Did he say anything else?” 

“Wouldn’t you like to know” Regulus said with a smirk. 

“Regulus Arcturus Black, tell me now or I WILL hex you” 

“Sirius, we all know I’m a better dueler than you” Regulus said laughing. 

“Do you really want to prove it…bitch” Sirius said laughing, Regulus’ laugh was too contagious. “Please tell me Reggie” Sirius did the poppy eyes, that worked on almost everyone. 

“He said that he liked you” 

“Only that?”

“He said…” Regulus cleared his throat and spoke in a mirror of Remus’ voice, he was great at impersonating. “He kissed me and I fell in love”

“He said that?” Sirius’ voice quacked; his heart was melting. Remus did care for him. 

“Yes” Regulus said rolling his eyes. “Do you like him?” 

“Yes of course… I’m in love with him”

Regulus nodded, a sudden seriousness clouding his face. He was wondering if he’d ever say that about someone. It didn’t feel like he would. He’d never loved someone like that…exactly. No one would ever love him back, so it felt stupid to ever think about love. 

“Don’t hurt him again” Regulus said. 

“It would never be my intention.”

Regulus laid back on his pillow. He had always yearned to be loved, to be in love, but it hadn’t come yet. 

“I’m happy for you, it’s time someone in this family falls in love” 

“Yeah” Sirius said mindlessly, laying next to his brother. 

“How does it feel?” 

“What?” Sirius said looking over. 

“Being in love” 

“Not everything feels like something else. I can’t really explain it, I feel stupid and pathetic and the best I’ve ever had. I would do anything he asked me to…it scares me sometimes, there’s so much feeling, it’s everywhere. It’s insane, it feels too good to be true” Regulus smiled at his brother looking so swooned. 

“You should be careful though…with mother, the war, and everything, people get…judgmental” 

“I’m sick of caring what other people will think, and I’m sick of her.”

“How are you sick of it if you’ve never cared?” Regulus laughed. 

“I care more than what you think” 

“I know” Regulus nudged him. They stayed in silence for a while, both thinking about love and war and awful mothers and societies. “Out of everything…I think that, I think…I think that loving is the most dangerous thing of all” Regulus said, thinking deeply. 

“Why? It doesn’t have to be” 

“It always is. If you love someone, you’ll do stupid shit for them or because of them, no one can deny that. If you’re loved back, when that love is gone, you’ll feel the worst you’ll ever do. If you love someone and they don’t love you back…no matter how much you love them and you want to see them happy, you can’t escape the void that forms in your heart for a while” 

“I think it’s worth it” 

“Is it?” Regulus asked, sincerely.

“I’ll tell you when Remus stops loving me, because I know I’ll never stop loving him”

“Can’t say I’m looking forward to it. I hope…I hope you get a happy ending, you deserve it” 

“You deserve it too…have you ever been in love?” Sirius asked turning to his side.

“I don’t think it’s love, I think it’s just…they make me happy, and no one has done that in a while, so I mistake it for love” 

“Who is it?” 

Regulus smiled and rolled his eyes. 

“Nosy bitch… I know they’ll never love me like that, and I’m fine with it, they deserve better, a lot better.” 

“Shut up, don’t say that, you’re amazing! Who’s it?” 

“I’m not telling you!”

“Why not?!” Sirius yelled. 

“It’s stupid! I know he won’t like me”

“HE?!” Sirius grinned. 

“Oh, shut up, I grew up with you around how was I supposed to be straight?”

“I take that as a compliment, thank you very much. Who is it?!” Sirius hit him with a pillow. 

“You know who it is!” 

“If I knew I wouldn’t be asking you!” 

“Starts with a J ends with an S, middles Am”

“No fucking way. No fucking way you like Prongs!” Sirius burst out laughing

“Stop laughing! I know its hopeless” 

“If he was gay, I’m sure, one hundred percent he would dig you”

“We kissed once” Regulus said, and the laughter left Sirius’ face immediately. 

“What?!”

“Yeah…it was just once, at that party, you left early. He was really drunk and won at beer pong, and kissed me because he was celebrating or something. It wasn’t anything”

“Awww was he your first kiss” Sirius said teasingly. 

“Shut up” 

“Was he?!” 

“Of course not, have you seen my face?” Regulus said cheekily

“Yeah, that’s why I ask” 

“Asshole.”


	27. Sirius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well the key to my survival  
> Was never in much doubt  
> The question was how I could keep sane  
> Trying to find a way out
> 
> Things were never easy for me  
> Peace of mind was hard to find  
> And I needed a place where I could hide  
> Somewhere I could call mine
> 
> ......
> 
> He sat me down to talk to me  
> He looked me straight in the eyes
> 
> He said:
> 
> You're no son, you're no son of mine  
> You're no son, you're no son of mine  
> You walked out, you left us behind  
> And you're no son, you're no son of mine
> 
> Oh, his words how they hurt me, I'll never forget it

After a couple of weeks at Grimmauld Place, the air on Sirius’ lungs was beginning to run out. The number of red lines on his arm, made it look raw. He didn’t follow what he’d done last year of keeping his mouth shut most times, he couldn’t bear it anymore. Every time Walburga spoke, Sirius awaited her with a sarcastic comeback or a smart thing. She wasn’t having any of it. His arm was so cut up, that he had to shower with it outside and only wear soft cotton, or silk shirts. Regulus spread some potions he’d made on it, but it just stopped it from bleeding much more and relieved the pain for a few hours. They didn’t know what curse she was using, making it harder for Regulus to find an antidote. The nights where the most painful, the cuts seemed to burn then, and there was no comfortable position. He was skinnier, never being able to finish a meal before he was hexed out of the room. Regulus helped him, but always in secret, he wouldn’t make the same mistake as last year. He was cautious, never addressing Sirius unless they were alone. Sirius saw him go to their fathers’ study for ‘secret conversations’, he would always come out with a stern look, and go directly to his room. He never told Sirius anything about it, but he knew anyway.

He thought about James, Peter and Remus every day, he missed them so deeply it seemed to tear his heart. Regulus had to cut all contact with James after the dinner with Abraxas, so he had absolutely no way of contacting them. But as Sirius was, he would try every way before giving up. 

He wrote three small letter and sealed them in an envelope. The three said “I’m alright, I miss you, my mother is the devil”. He had so much more to say. He stared at the of addressed to Remus, he lingered at sealing it. In the heat of the moment, he wrote “I love you” at the bottom. His heart was throbbing in his chest as he walked down the stairs and into the small room they had for owls. He opened the door, walked towards an owl, and in that exact moment, Kreacher walked in. He snarled at Sirius, and he froze. 

“Master told Kreacher to never let Sirius in the owlery” Kreacher said in his growling breathy voice. Sirius was wide eyed. Remus’ letter was heavy on his arm. 

“Please” Was all Sirius could say before the elf grabbed his robes and apparated into his mother’s study. Sirius was scared, terrified, he always was when his mother was concerned, as much as he acted otherwise. 

“Sirius was trying to send an owl, Master” Kreacher said, saying his name with utter disgust. 

“Leave us!” Walburga yelled harshly. The house elf bowed and apparated back downstairs. “What do you think you are doing?” 

“I was just…I was just” 

“This house has simple rules, you know them well, and still… We give you everything! Everything, Merlin knows you deserve absolutely nothing, and still, you are ungrateful and disobedient.” 

“Everything?! You almost kill me every time I’m here” Sirius spat, hot anger raising. Walburga laughed. 

“Don’t you dare speak to me like that! I am your mother; you do not get to question the way I raise you!”

“You’re not my mother! I hate you; I hate you so fucking much that it makes me hate myself! I loathe you, despise you with every cell in my body” Sirius said, angry tears stained his cheek as he said this, because it wasn’t entirely true. He hated her, that was true, but the deepest part of him had always wanted to love her, had always wanted her to love him. Hope is stupid sometimes. 

“Crucio! The feeling is mutual” 

The pain was so deep again. Somatic and emotional. He felt shattered glass being dug into every piece of skin, his muscles felt like they were being stretched until they broke, his bones felt cracked, like the curse was pulverizing them. 

As Sirius was screaming in pain, Walburga was picking up the letters on the floor. Opening one by one. She scoffed at her son’s emotionality. The last one had something else on it…” I love you”. Her body froze, she had always hated Sirius, but she had hoped that maybe he wouldn’t be a complete failure in every aspect of life. She hated homosexuals almost as much as muggles. This…this was unacceptable. Sirius being a muggle lover was…tolerable…but this? It made her want to kill him or herself. She called Regulus and Orion immediately. When they read the letter, she broke the curse. 

Sirius laid there, feeling absolutely nothing, the pain was everywhere but he couldn’t feel anything. It was like being thrown into a fire, and never being able to die or escape. 

Regulus’ eyes where full of concern, he stared at Sirius motionless. He wanted to help, more than anything. He wanted to scream that he loved a boy too, but of course, he wouldn’t. 

“I want him out of my house, he is not my son, never was” Orion said. “Diffindo, Diffindo, Diffindo” he said, swiping his wand quickly. The spell made Sirius’ torso bleed uncontrollably. Regulus had never seen so much blood come out of someone so quickly. For a second, he thought Sirius was dead, but then he twitched in pain, tears were falling on both of his sides.

“I would rather die than call you my son ever again” Walburga said to him, in a vicious whisper. She left the room, Orion at her foot. When they were out of sight, Regulus kneeled next to him. His mind was blank, there was too much blood. So many cuts, so many bruises. His mind couldn’t think. 

“Ok, alright, I know this I know this, calm down” He spoke to himself, closing his eyes to remember any basic healing spell. He used a sewing charm to close the gashes on his stomach, looking into his brain for anything else. Sirius choked out a breath. Relief washed over Regulus, and he felt, for the first time, his wet cheeks. 

“I need to leave; I’m leaving right now” Sirius said weakly. Regulus’ body went cold. Sirius couldn’t leave, he would be alone then. He would be completely and utterly alone in the world then. 

“But… Siri… I need, I can’t be alone” Regulus choked. 

“Come with me” Sirius sat up, wincing. Feeling rusted daggers stab his organs. “Come with me” 

“I can’t” 

Sirius walked slowly upstairs; he already had half his bag packed. This wasn’t his home, there really wasn’t anything else worth taking. He took his drawings, Regulus’ paints, and threw them in a bag. There was not much else in his room. 

“Where are you going? You have nowhere to go. What are you gonna do?” Regulus said desperately. 

“To the Potters, of course” Sirius said, it was obvious. “I’m gonna go there, where I know I won’t get almost murdered every day. I’m sick of this I can’t take it. Look at what they did to me Regulus!” He said, pointing at his body. His shirt and pants where red with blood, scattered around the middle. 

“Don’t go…I’ll fix it, I can fix it. I won’t let her do anything”

“Regulus! She wants to kill me! She’s going to kill me if I stay, if I don’t kill myself first! Can’t you understand what she’s done to me?!” The tears where back on Regulus’ face, he never cried. 

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I should have done something sooner” 

“Nothing that happens to me is your fault, ok? You understand that? You never did anything to me. I’ll always love you, and you will always be my favourite brother, ok?” Sirius said, embracing Regulus’ as tight as the pain would allow it. 

“Don’t go” Regulus said as Sirius opened the front door to leave. He looked homeless and half dead. 

“Take care of yourself, will you?” 

“I…I love you too. I never said that enough…I never said that at all” Regulus said. It was the first time he had ever said those words, to anyone. 

“I always knew” Sirius smiled, his typical smile, that even then made Regulus feel a little lighter. 

If they ever spoke again, Sirius didn’t remember. 

☾☾☾

Sirius illegally apparated to James’ house. The moon was a simple waxing crescent, providing a little light. He didn’t know what time it was; time was blurred when you were so hurt. Everything was a blur, except the pain, the pain was always there. He felt dizzy and exhausted as he fell on the road of his best friend’s house. All of the lights where off, in the Potter’s house and in most of the town. It was late, apparently. He walked slowly, hunching to put an arm in his teared-up stomach. He knocked, and knocked again, and didn’t stop knocking as the tears fell like waterfalls on his cheeks and Fleamont opened the door with a scandalized look. He spoke but Sirius couldn’t hear him, he was sobbing now. Why did it hurt so much? He only heard his choked-up sobs and felt James’ arms around him. 

“James” Sirius wailed. 

“I’m here” James said, hugging him tighter. Sirius didn’t even wince at the pain that shot through his stomach, he wanted James to hug him. There was nothing he wanted more than being held. “Mom! Mom! It’s Sirius!” 

Euphemia ran down the stairs, wide eyed as he saw the boy in her sons’ arms. She gasped and ran back up to bring her healing kit. Sirius continued to sob, choking on his own breath as he let James hold him. 

“Come on, James bring him to the couch” Euphemia said, wide awake now. She had dozens of potions and healing plants, as well as the memory of the healing dictionary. “Sirius, Sirius dear” She said softly, stroking his hair back. “What happened? What curse…?” Euphemia knew exactly what curse Walburga had used, but she didn’t want to believe that her Sirius had to go through that. 

“Cruciatus. I can’t remember what else” The Potters looked at each other in pained shocked silence. 

“James take his jumper off; I need to see all the wounds” After a few second, James reacted and did so. Instantly regretting being in the room. His best friend, his brother looked more cut up than a vegetable. His left arm was almost entirely raw, and there were cuts everywhere else. James could also see the white lines that indicated he’d been hurt before. He had known things in Sirius’ home where bad, terrible, but this…no one could expect this. 

Euphemia mumbled dozens of healing spells, James and Fleamont saw red lines turn oink and then white. She gave him a few potions to numb the pain as she finished the healing process, and finally put more potions everywhere to make everything heal faster. What she would never be able to heal was the memory, the muscle memory that remained every time someone touched Sirius when he didn’t want them too, and the memory of being deathly hurt by his own mother. 

“James get his bed ready, will you?” Euphemia said. 

“He can sleep with me; he hates sleeping alone” James said quickly. 

“Alright, come on let’s take him” 

They helped Sirius up the stairs, and then helped him change into one of James’ pajamas. Sirius had finally stopped crying and was looking utterly defeated. He touched the pillow and it seemed to swallow him into a restless heavy sleep. 

☾☾☾

“Hey” Sirius said, his voice raspy, as James closed the bedroom door not so quietly. He was already showered and dressed, and by the looks of the dim light that was entering through the window, it was the late afternoon. James smiled at him, his mother smile and walked over to sit next to him. 

“How are you feeling?”

“Like a shoe” Sirius said laughing a little. “Sorry for barging in on you like that last night” he said, feeling a bit of embarrassment as he remembered how much he’d cried.

“Shut up, you know you can barge in here whenever the hell you want…or need.” James stared at Sirius, wondering exactly how to approach the conversation. “What happened? You looked… deathly last night”

“Oh that, Walburga. I was trying to send all of you a letter and Kreacher, the fucking dick, ratted me out. She got pissed… I had been pushing it all summer, I knew she would end up kicking me out or I would end up leaving by the end of it” 

“Did she kick you out?!” 

“No, I left. After she crucio me and told me that she’d rather die than ever call me a son. It was great” Sirius said sarcastically. “I can’t tell you how glad I am to be out of there” 

“You should’ve come sooner, years ago. I can’t believe she did that to you, if I ever see her…I swear I’ll fucking hex her” 

“Looking forward to it” 

“Fuck it I’m your mum now!” James exclaimed, pure anger towards Walburga rising. 

“James you can’t be my mother” 

“Yes, I can, watch me. Sirius, there’s food in the kitchen, go downstairs”

“If you insist” Sirius sat up, feeling his muscles tighten. They walked slowly down the stairs. “James, I honestly have no words for you. Thank you, I love you so fucking much” Sirius said as he sat down to eat. 

“Yeah, yeah. I love you too” James kissed the top of his head teasingly and sat down. “I didn’t know if you wanted to tell Moony and Peter, so I haven’t sent any owls…” 

“No, I want to see them of course” Sirius said quickly, the thought of Remus accelerating his heartbeat. 

“Marty, can you send the envelopes on my desk, please” James said at a small house elf. “Mum and dad will be back around seven, they wanted to be here when you woke up… but Dumbledore heard you had left Grimmauld Place and he wanted to know what had happened” Sirius nodded, how did news spread so fast? He ate slowly, the food felt like it would take a while to sit in. He drank a hot tea quickly, happily to feel warmth from the inside. Marty, came down the stairs a few minutes later with a smile. 

“When do you think they’ll get the letters?” Sirius said, suddenly impatient to see Remus. 

“Half an hour? Why where you sending us owls?” 

“I don’t know, I just missed you, wanted you to know I was fine” 

“You weren’t fine” 

“I… well, I wasn’t dying then… Regulus told me you kissed him” Sirius said with a smirk, watching as James’ face became red. 

“Eh…yeah, that. Sorry” James said awkwardly. Sirius burst out laughing. “He’s a pretty good kisser” Sirius’ wound where hurting from laughing so hard. 

“Why’d you kiss him?!”

“I-… I don’t know, he was there and he’s my friend…and I guess a part of me wanted to know how it felt” 

“Oh, James you’re…” Sirius laughed again 

“Stop laughing!” James said, even though he was also laughing. “You can’t tell me you haven’t wanted to kiss a dude too” 

“No, I can’t say that” James’ eyebrows flew up. 

“Who?” 

“Didn’t your mother tell you it’s rude to be nosy” Sirius said shaking his head. 

“She’s never said such a thing” 

“You’ll find out someday”

Just then a tawny owl flew into the kitchen, Sirius stood up quickly and grabbed the letter attached to its leg. 

‘I’ll be there as soon as possible. I can’t believe it

Remus’

He read it with a grin. Remus’ handwriting was perfect, it was like hearing him speak. 

“We should send an owl to Lily as well” Sirius said, watching James blush and nod quickly. “Do you think Peter go the letter?” 

“He usually takes a while to answer, I’m sure he got it” James said, looking for a piece of paper to write on. “I’m gonna write…uhmm…’Sirius left his house, he’s with me now. You can come over to see him whenever you want. He’s alright, we’re alright. Hope you’re ok and can make it someday…Love…should I write love?” 

“Write love Prongs” Sirius smiled. 

“Love, James” He kissed the envelope and gave it to Marty like he’d done a few minutes before. “Do you think she’ll come?”

“Maybe, yeah” Sirius said with a smile. 

An hour later, a knock came at the door and at the window. Sirius practically ran, all his muscles aching, to fling the door open. Remus stood there with worried eyes, he was wearing those white converses that Sirius loved so much, with a light jumper and jeans. He embraced Sirius tightly, throwing his arms around his neck. They hadn’t seen each other in a month, but it had felt a lot longer. Remus pulled back, eager to kiss Sirius, when James appeared behind the wall. 

“She said she’s coming! Padfoot you did it!” James said with a grin. Sirius rolled his eyes. James quickly hugged Remus, too bouncy at the thought of Lily. Sirius grabbed Remus’ hand, putting it behind his back.

“James, I’m gonna go upstairs for a while with Moony, I’m a bit tired” He faked a yawn and James nodded. He was answering Lily’s letter and informing his parents that there would be two more people for dinner. He the left for the kitchen, to discuss with the house elves what to cook. 

As soon as Remus closed the bedroom door behind him, Sirius pinned him against the wall and kissed him, deeply. Remus was surprised at first, but then he melted underneath Sirius’ touch. 

“Sirius…” Remus said, moving away a millimeter. Sirius pulled back with a frown. “What happened?” 

“We can talk about that later” Sirius shrugged 

“We can do this later” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Are you ok?” Sirius scoffed at that. 

“Moony do we really have to do this? I haven’t been fine in a long time…but I feel fine when I’m with you, so please let me have that for a while. I’ve felt like shit, absolute shit the past two months, let me just-.” 

Remus kissed him, if only to shut him up. He walked slowly to the bed. They kissed gently, but it also felt passionate. It was heartfelt. After all, they hadn’t seen each other in too long. It was in these moments that Remus’ heart ached profoundly. There was so much to feel. What would he do when he didn’t have this? He closed his eyes tightly and let Sirius take his shirt off. Smiling he kissed his neck and chest and then his mouth again. They stayed like that for time that didn’t feel real. They felt like they had started a few minutes ago, when in reality, it had been almost two hours. They were too tired to do much else than kiss, or perhaps it was all they really wanted to do. Remus slid a hand underneath Sirius’ sweater, they both instantly tensed. Sirius panicked mildly, and Remus was shook from the line of skin that bumped out. His scar had healed under Euphemias’ care, but scars aren’t easy to hide, much less his. Remus parted the kiss as his finger traced the long line, it seemed endless, he was horrified now. 

“What happened-?” 

Sirius didn’t get to answer as the bedroom door swung open. James screamed and Lily snorted with laughter. Remus jumped off Sirius and looked horrified for his jumper. 

“What the? What the fuck?!” 

“You owe me ten galleons” Lily said, her breath shaky from all the laughing.


	28. Existing is Gay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you're gay say "Aye"

“So…” James choked as they sat near the fireplace, it was almost on in the morning, and they’d stayed talking nonsense all night, happy to be together. “So, you’re…gay?” he asked Sirius. 

“Existing is gay” Sirius said, Remus nodded sternly.

“Why didn’t you tell me?!” James’ face was between trying to look scolding, but looking happy. 

“We had a bet you wouldn’t find out before December” Lily said. 

“You knew?!” James looked at her in betrayal. “I can’t believe this”

“Oh James, you really are blind” Lily said, putting an arm around his shoulder, instantly making him blush. 

“Since when?” Sirius looked over at Remus. 

“I always liked him” Sirius said. It was Remus’ turn to blush, feeling a deep joy in his heart. “We started eh…during March?” Sirius continued, not knowing exactly how to explain anything. Remus grabbed his hand underneath the table, seeing Sirius’ face light up. 

“Well…punk! I love you two so much” James kissed them both on the forehead, they allowed him, but were looking at Lily with concerned looks. Lily looked exhausted and tried to conceal her yawns. 

“Lily you can have the guest room, we’ll all sleep together” Sirius said, knowing that James wouldn’t notice how tired she was. 

“Yes, yes, ok we should get going” James caught on and took Lily to her room. 

When James came back to his room Sirius and Remus where already under the covers laughing stupidly at something. He grinned at them, filled with fondness. He jumped on the bed and made space for himself. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you where fucking” James said staring at Sirius seriously. Remus choked on his own breath. “Don’t be such a prude, Moony”

“Oh, believe me, he’s not” Sirius said with a smirk, seeing Remus’ horrified face. 

“How about we talk about your sex life, James? Oh… wait, it’s nonexistent” Remus said, James elbowed him. “Don’t hit me!” Remus yelled, elbowing him back. 

“Moony!” Sirius yelled; he’d hit him too now. 

Before they knew it, they were all on the floor wrestling like idiots. The laughter didn’t allow them to hit hard enough to cause any real pain. 

“Stop!” James yelled, kicking Remus, so he landed on top of Sirius. Sirius looked at Remus with his wide eyes, feeling so in love. It drove him crazy, he kissed him. Just a peck on the lips, but enough to transmit that feeling of utter tenderness. James rolled his eyes, secretly wishing he had someone to kiss right now. They stayed on the floor for a few more minutes just laughing at the air, they were best friends, soulmates if you believed in such a thing, and being together filled their hearts like nothing else could. 

At around three in the morning, they finally went to bed, all squished up in James’ queen-sized bed. Most boys their age would’ve probably felt weird about sleeping so close to each other, but Sirius spooned Remus, finally feeling at peace enough to sleep, and James fell asleep with thoughts of the redhead in the next room. 

☾☾☾

“Is that a hickey?” James said cheekily one breakfast, looking at Remus’ sleepy eyes and bruised neck. He immediately pulled his jumper up, blushing. 

“No, it’s just a…mosquito bite” Remus lied, he was still embarrassed by the fact that James knew, more than that by the way he found out. Sirius skipped down the stairs, kissing Remus on the head and slapping James on the back of the head. 

“Good morning mosquito” James said, smirking at Remus, who turned beet red. 

“Stop taunting Moony” Sirius flicked him on the head again, as they sat down for breakfast. 

“Wormtail wrote” James said, passing the letter. 

“Hey. Mum won’t let me leave  . Hope you’re ok Padfoot, wish I could be there.   
Bye, Peter” Sirius and Remus read the letter, frowning a little, Peter was distancing himself more and more from them. 

“Lily’s coming back again tonight, said she had an early birthday present” James said sipping his coffee. Sirius grinned. 

“Oooo Jamesey is seeing his girlfriend” Sirius poked James on the ribs, he annoyedly shrugged him off. 

“Starting to think she’ll never like me” James said, frowning. Remus snorted and Sirius elbowed him with a stern look. 

“She’ll come around” 

“Yeah…eventually” Remus added “Should be any day now, if Sirius finally came around, she shouldn’t be much behind, he’s much dafter” 

“Fuck you, Moony” Sirius said teasingly. 

“Is that an insult or a to-do list?” Remus said with a half-smile. Sirius blushed and James stared at the two of them.

“Excuse me, I have to go vomit.” James said and left for the kitchen while Sirius laughed.

“We should walk around town today” Remus suggested, getting closer to Sirius, he needed to feel accompanied. He’d never before minded being alone, actually he loved it, he loved being alone and he hated being touched…but when it came to Sirius, all the rules seemed to rewrite themselves. 

“I’m tired” Sirius complained, he most definitely was not tired, he’d been spending the entire week in bed, only rising to go downstairs. But the thought of moving, of leaving the house, was unbearable. He wanted to stay inside, making out with Remus every so often, mortifying James and possibly baking a disastrously disgusting cake. 

“Padfoot, you’re tired because you’re doing nothing” James yelled from the kitchen. “You’re gonna become a potato if you don’t move your arse”

“I’m not going anywhere!” 

“Yes, you are” Remus patted him on the leg and stood up, pulling Sirius with him. Immediately Sirius threw himself onto the floor and crossed his arms. “Don’t be such a child” 

“I don’t want to go anywhere” Remus looked over at James, who simply nodded. 

“Sirius, sorry to break it to you, but you’re small” Remus said as he grabbed Sirius by the waist and threw him over his shoulder. 

“Moony what the fuck!” Sirius yelled, but he was laughing. Remus carried him upstairs as James laughed. He felt blissful joy at seeing his two best friends in love, but strangely, he also felt lonely. He rolled his eyes to shake the feeling away and sat down to read. “Remus Elizabeth Lupin put me down right now!” Sirius screamed. Remus let him down, finally, looking a little apologetic. 

“You should shower” Remus suggested, with his tone, it meant ‘you smell’. 

“You and James need to stop commanding me, I won’t take it any longer” he said faking annoyance. He didn’t really care being told what to do, as long as it came from one of them. He took off his shirt, making Remus blush at his bare skin and look away. He’d seen Sirius so many times, but it still made butterflies in his stomach. Sirius went around, looking for a change of clothes, messing up all of James’ closet, and his own. He settled for stealing something from Remus’ bag. 

“Don’t make a mess” Remus said, as he saw Sirius opening his bag. 

“I would never” 

“Liar, look at the room, you’re like a tornado” 

“Where’s your green jumper?” 

“I don’t know” Remus shrugged; Sirius seemed to know his wardrobe better than he did. 

“You wore it the day after you got here” Remus’ heart fluttered a bit. How did he remember? Sirius always noticed small details about everyone, but now it felt different. Remus cared that he noticed. 

“How’d you even remember?” 

“You looked really hot in it. I usually hate green” Sirius looked up at him, smiling. Remus left his spot leaning against the wall and cupped Sirius’ face. Kissing him deeply. I love you; I love you…I think I love you. Remus mind could only think about saying that, but it was too early, everything was good, saying that might ruin everything. Remus bent over his bag, and took out the green sweater, pressing it against Sirius’ chest, and planting another kiss on his lips. Sirius looked at him with suspicious eyes. “Come with me?” He asked softly. Remus’ heart sped up to unnatural levels, he could only hear the pounding of his own heart. 

“I already showered” 

“You can wait for me” Sirius suggested. James’ bathroom was the biggest one in the house, it had a tub, a shower, and a huge sitting area that connected to his closet. 

“James will-…” 

“James will what? He doesn’t give a fuck, he literally saw us in his bed and didn’t care, he won’t care” Sirius said quickly. “Come on Moony” he closed almost all their distance, brushing their upper lips, seeing as Remus shuddered a little and closed his eyes. 

“Fine but I’m not showering again”

“Such a bore” Sirius said teasingly and they walked into James’ bathroom.

Remus pretended to be interested in James’ things as Sirius stripped and turned the water on. They’d been naked together, but never like this, there had always been something more distracting. The room steamed up in no time, Sirius insisted on showering in water straight from the fires of underworld. Remus heard a splash and looked over involuntarily. Sirius stood there smirking, like he always was. His arm and the infinite white lines drew Remus’ attention. They were haunting, precise straight deep lines. He’d seen some of them before, but Sirius was great at hiding them. His chest too, but Sirius had told him not to talk about it. Sirius caught him staring, trailing his eyes to his arm, his smirk faltered a bit. 

“Walburga found out I was gay” He said, with a fake smile planted on his mouth. “That’s why she…that’s why I left” the words had always felt indifferent in his mind, but saying them took more courage than he’d expected. The words hadn’t wanted to leave his throat. Remus walked over and sat down next to the tub. 

“That’s awful…I can’t even imagine” Remus held his hand, trailing circles around it and slowly going up, to feel the scars. “Did she do that? How’d she found out?”

“She did that” Sirius nodded at his arm “Not because of the gay thing though…she found out because I was sending you a letter” Sirius smirked, trying not to feel awful about everything.

“Oh my God it’s my fault! Why did you have to write?!” 

“Calm down, Moony. Getting out of that shithole was the second-best thing that has ever happened to me” Sirius said authorially, he didn’t want Remus to feel guilty about anything. 

“What did you write?” Remus asked, still feeling mortified. Sirius blushed, looking away… he couldn’t say it. 

“That I couldn’t wait to kiss you again, and stuff” he said shrugging making ‘stuff’ sound way too suggestive. “I wish I’d written it more explicitly” Sirius looked for James’ shampoo and started putting a concerning amount on his hair. 

“What did she do?” Remus asked, not really wanting to know the answer. 

“Cruciatus, then a bunch of shit I can’t remember then said ‘I would rather die than call you my child’ or some dramatic shit like that” Sirius said nonchalantly, washing away the shampoo. Remus was speechless, how could he be so calm about stuff like that. 

“How…how are you, how are you even fine?” 

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll hit me soon” Sirius said, his voice a bit muffled by the water. “I guess, I don’t know Moony… what use does it do to cry about something like that? She never loved me, I never loved her, she said things that I had felt before. You, James and Peter and Monty and Euphemia are my real family, I am where I’m supposed to be”

“Yeah… but still” 

“I cried my eyes out when I got here don’t worry, I just haven’t really given it much thought again, it’s at the back of my head but I keep pushing it away, I don’t want to think about things I can’t change” The water stopped running and Sirius got out, Remus stared at his face so that he didn’t feel weird about staring. Thankfully, he put on his pants first. He walked over and sat on Remus’ lap, staring at him. Remus saw him break a smile, a real smile that contained more pain than joy. 

“Are you…ok?” Remus asked staring straight at his gray eyes, they looked like pools reflecting the moonlight

“Yes” Sirius said with a sigh and kissed him “If you’re around I swear I’m fine” 

☾☾☾

“Hello?” Lily said, as she screeched open the door of the Potters’ house. It was almost seven at night and after knocking and getting no response, she found that the door was open. The house looked still, very unlike a place that housed James Potter, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. 

“Miss Evans!” A house elf said, running quickly to her. “Miss, Master James is getting food with Master Monty” 

“Is anyone home? Ma’am” Lily asked, the house elf looked around the house and then looked horrified at Lily again. 

“Master Black and Remus are upstairs…I would advise Miss Evans to knock first” The house elf said, shaking her head and walking away. Lily laughed and climbed the stairs, half afraid of knocking. 

“Sirius? Are you dressed?” Lily yelled, instead of knocking. 

“Lilian!” The door swung open revealing a grinning Sirius Black, he hugged her, in a bone crushing embrace. He was dressed…if you counted boxers and Remus’ jumper as clothes. His hair was the messiest Lily had ever seen, which wasn’t saying much because it always looked perfect, and his neck was spotted with love bites all over…it always was these days.

“I think you traumatized the house elf” Lily said, Sirius’ face turned crimson and she heard Remus groan from the bed. He looked mortified.

“Don’t remind me of that, please, ever” Remus said, he had his face on a pillow. 

“Don’t you lock?!” Lily said.

“No” Sirius shrugged and walked to Remus again. Lily sat on the couch at the foot of the bed and looked as Sirius sat next to Remus and intertwined their legs. Remus was shirtless, which Lily had never seen, he was covered in scars but somehow, she didn’t find it shocking or weird…they suited him, like they were part of his beauty. 

“Where’s Potter?” She asked, even though she already knew. Sirius smirked, making Lily regret her question. 

“Eager to see me?!” James said, he appeared out of nowhere at the door. Looking full of energy and smiling, as he always did. Lily blushed and rolled her eyes. “Hello, Evans” He said, very civilized as he kissed her on the cheek and joined Sirius on the other side of Remus.   
“I thought you were bringing food” Remus said. James stared at his bare chest and then at Sirius’ messy hair. 

“You must be hungry after so much exercise” He said with a smile. Remus looked mortified again. “It’s downstairs, mum is setting the table. Evans, how’s your summer continued?”

“Fine, waiting for it to end” Lily said quickly. Summers were never traumatic, like Sirius’, but they weren’t exactly nice either. 

“Why?” James pressed. 

“My sisters been a complete pain, but nothing I can’t handle”

“You should curse her someday” Sirius suggested. 

“You’re foul” Lily said, but the glint in her eyes said otherwise. 

“That’s my second name” Sirius said smugly, Remus scoffed. 

“Kids! Dinner!” Euphemia shouted from downstairs. James and Lily left, chattering happily. Remus searched the floor for his shirt and some pants. Sirius put on his plaid pajama pants and waited for Remus at the door. 

“You should cover that up, have a little decency” Remus said, noticing how awfully bruised Sirius’ neck looked. 

“You shouldn’t kiss me so hard, have a little decency” Sirius mocked. 

“When I don’t, we’ll see who’s complaining” Remus said smiling. Sirius pecked him on the lips and they went downstairs happily. 

☾☾☾

“So…Sirius” Lily said. James’ parents were asleep already and they sat in the living room, sipping butterbeer and firewhiskey out of mugs. “Here’s your birthday present.” She pulled a vinyl out of her bag and handed it over. “James do you have a record player?” Before she’d finished the sentence, James was opening a case that held a smooth black player. 

“ABBA, never heard of them… they look…otherworldly” Sirius said, scanning the album cover. 

“I bought it for you because there’s the song ‘Dancing Queen’ and well…James put it on, you’ll see” She was smiling brightly. 

James put the record on and instantly, a nostalgic sound hit Sirius’ ears. He’d never heard something like that, it was like the music was entering through his veins, it was such a good rhythm   
“Ooh  
You can dance  
You can jive  
Having the time of your life  
Ooh, see that girl  
Watch that scene  
Digging the dancing queen” 

The record boomed, with a sweet voice. Remus smiled widely, he liked it too. James glanced at Lily as she started to sing along quietly. Their hearts were unnaturally warm…maybe it was the firewhiskey 

“Friday night and the lights are low  
Looking out for a place to go  
Where they play the right music  
Getting in the swing  
You come to look for a king  
Anybody could be that guy” 

Lily sang these last two lyrics the loudest, making Sirius stand up and reach out for Remus’ hand. He felt blissful. 

“Dance with me” Sirius commanded. Remus told himself that it was the firewhiskey, but he didn’t even think about it, he usually hated dancing…but not with Sirius. Sirius turned him like a girl, and he pretended to roll his eyes, but when he neared Sirius again, he planted a small kiss on his lips.

“Sirius here comes your line!” Lily yelled, grinning. James looked at her with fawn eyes…God, he was in love. 

“You are the dancing queen  
Young and sweet  
Only seventeen  
Dancing queen  
Feel the beat from the tambourine, oh yeah  
You can dance  
You can jive  
Having the time of your life” 

Lily sang at the top of her longs, and Sirius tried to do so too. He was turning seventeen that year. It hit him like a truck. Hogwarts was over soon, he was an adult soon, he had to grow up…but not yet. He looked into Remus clear eyes, who were smiling at him with warmth, he had time to be a kid still, worrying about the future was only gonna make him suffer twice. He kissed Remus again, if only to shove the thoughts of getting old away. 

By the second chorus the four of them were singing at the top of their longs, none of them worrying about James’ sleeping parents. Everything felt too good to worry about anything.


	29. i'm a mess and i'll never love anyone else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self-harm and suicidal thoughts!!!

It hit Sirius a week after. 

“Padfoot?!” James knocked on his bathroom door, that had been sealed for the better part of the last three hours. “Sirius…Sirius please just say something so I know you’re fine” James’ voice was borderline cracking; he couldn’t sit still and his mind wondered to places that it shouldn’t be. What was Sirius doing? Why wasn’t he talking? Why couldn’t he help? He knocked a bit more, without prospect. “Sirius come on, just say something” 

His voice was desperate, but it didn’t do anything to Sirius. He barely heard James, everything felt blocked out, like he was underwater. He wasn’t doing anything much. Just sitting down against the door, repeating every moment of his life. Everything seemed so horrible, he felt something near numb…but worse, so much worse. The good times popped in on his brain, but they were ants compared to the gigantic mass of horrible memories. Yesterday, it had felt the other way around, but today was another day. The highs were too high, the lows were too low. He felt all the pain of the Cruciatus Curse again, but inside, in his heart. It was being squeezed until it became a physical pain. It was too much. 

“Do you want me to call my mum…or Moony?” James asked. Remus had left yesterday, to pick up his school things before coming back in a few days. Sirius didn’t care what he was talking about. Would James think he was being dramatic? A drama queen? He’d been called that too many times. “Sirius, I swear if you don’t say something now, I’m gonna kick this door down!”

“James leave me alone” he mustered. He had expected his voice to sound like always, but it sounded weak…broken. It made him cringe. 

“What are you doing” James’ voice regained his usual hope, but he was eager. 

“I’m not doing anything”

“You’ve been there for hours” 

“James leave!” Sirius said, losing his patience and immediately feeling guilty. He snapped at James harshly, his tone reminding Sirius awfully of his mother. It broke his heart even more. It made him hate himself to levels he hadn’t imagined possible. 

“Just come out, you can be sad out here, where I know you’re fine. I’ll help, I’ll do anything, I’ll cook those weird cookies you like. Sirius please” James said, he was eager to see that Sirius was fine. 

“James fucking leave me alone or I swear!” Sirius yelled, he thought he couldn’t hate himself any more…of course, he was wrong. “Just leave me why is that so hard to understand!” 

James was hurting, not unlike Sirius. His brain was showing images of their fourth year, some that he wished he would never have to relive. They were having dinner in the Great Hall, it was the first week of school, Sirius was grinning like always as he reached over for some pumpkin juice. James would never be able to forget that moment, because his brain had played it on repeat for weeks, he’d felt the blood run out of him. His robe went up a bit, just above his wrist, and there it had been. A not so straight line in his veins. It looked deep, but it looked about a month old, still somewhat pink. James knew what Walburgas cuts looked like…that was not one of hers. 

To that day, Sirius marked that day as the worst day of his life, even after the Cruciatus. He’d never felt so alien, alien in his own body, in his own world. He was definitely not proud of his alternatives to cure the pain, but it had felt like the last resort. He didn’t want to die exactly…he just wanted to not exist. He hated the bloody scar now, covering with bracelets his entire life, because he didn’t want to see it. He wanted to live, he had so much to live for…James for one. He’d never done it again…he’d gotten too close that first time. He wasn’t scared that he would do it again today, but his mind still lingered. He needed to release the pain, he needed to breathe. 

James, James, James. 

James could help, he was a source of happiness, he let him breathe. Sirius stood up, his mind hazy, as if he was drugged. Maybe sadness was a drug, addictive, hard to let go of, hateful. He turned the knob. Until that moment he hadn’t been aware of how much he’d been crying. James flinched away from the door, and immediately hugged Sirius. He tried not to cry too much. 

“I’m sorry” Sirius said “I’m so sorry, James” the other boy just embraced him tighter. 

“No reason to apologize”

“Yes, there is.” His voice was muffled, since his face was buried on James’ chest. “I’m sorry, I hate it when I think like that” 

James knew what he meant; he always did. Sirius knew this too; it was one of the many reasons he knew they were soulmates. Sirius didn’t really like saying what he meant, using a loop out of making the words too raw, James always figured it out, like he’d felt it too. 

“I hate it too” 

“I’m sorry” It sounded so broken, but Sirius didn’t care now. He was tired. “I wish I didn’t”

“We’ll be fine” 

“I’m in so much pain” 

Sirius felt a tiny splash of water hit the bare part of his neck. 

“I wish I could take it away” James said. 

“You are” James tried to laugh. Those laughs you make when you’ve been crying too much with a friend and they aren’t necessarily fake, just a type of laugher that is needed. Sirius shrugged. “I hate this…why do we have to feel so much” 

“I don’t know. Pain makes you human, is that what they say?” 

“Then being human is rubbish” Sirius said, backing away a little to clear his tear-stained cheeks. 

“Be a dog then” James said, smiling. Sirius scoffed with laughter. Small things like that always sounded funnier after crying too much. “Don’t do that again” James said with a more serious tone. “I’m always here, cry with me, then I can cry with you” 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry… I guess it’s easier to hate myself if I’m alone” 

James frowned and looked around his room, trying to figure out how exactly to cheer Sirius up. James smirked, a mischievous look on his face. 

“We should…go get matching tattoos” James suggested, Sirius’ eyes instantly sparkled with joy. 

“Yes” Sirius said, already moving to change his jumper and look for his shoes. He’d stolen Remus’ white converses again. 

They were out the door in less than ten minutes, Sirius had a jump to his step, his brain working on what to get. His brain trailed around moons and stags and rats…

“What should we get?” Sirius asked, James was starting to look doubtful already. 

“Whatever you want. Does it hurt?” 

“It’s nothing you can’t handle”

They arrived at the tattoo shop, which was deserted. James’ hometown was small, and the shop looked out of place around bakery’s owned by grandmas. It was small, with a lot of drawings and sketches on the black walls. A girl, no older than fifteen attended them at the counter. 

“Hi, you need help with something?” She asked with a smile. Her hair was as black as the walls and her face was so pale, it reminded Sirius of vampires. She didn’t have any tattoos in sight and was reading ‘The Brothers Karamazov’, it was an odd sight at a tattoo shop. 

“Uhhh…we wanted to get matching tattoos” Sirius said. 

“Lucky you, we have no appointments today” She said, James snickered a little. “Do you know what you want to get?” 

“Yes” Sirius said. 

“No” James said at the same time. They looked at each other. The girl laughed a little. 

“Can I draw it?” Sirius asked the girl. 

“Sure, it’s your tattoo” She went to the back and brought back a thin paper and fountain pen. “Tell me when you’re ready”

“What are you doing?” James asked suspiciously. 

“It’s a surprise” 

It took Sirius around twenty minutes to draw a perfectly detailed full moon, from memory. It looked delicate and beautiful.

“James write down, 1 September 1971, here” Sirius said, covering the moon with his hand. James looked at him fondly and wrote it down. He didn’t try to make his handwriting neater than usual, because he knew what Sirius wanted was to let it be natural. 

“Done” James said. Sirius beamed and uncovered the moon. James all but gasped. “Oh shit!” 

“Do you think he’ll like it?” 

“I think he’ll love it!” The counter girl peeked over to see the drawing as James exclaimed. 

“Are you ready?” She asked. 

“Yes” 

An hour later Sirius’ wrist was adorned with a moon and the date he’d met his three best friends, he smiled widely at it. The tattoo artist was the counter girl’s father, and clearly, he was a great artist, he’d envisioned Sirius’ drawing perfectly. Most importantly, his scar was invisible now… the tattooist had made sure that the darker part of the moon sat on his scar, and it had instantly become hard to find. James was looking at the needle as if it was a gun, on two occasions he’d had to leave the shop for some air. He was looking sickly as Sirius said it was his turn. 

“I…Sirius that’s a needle…” he said, his voice strained. 

“Wonderful observation” Sirius said, and the tattooist laughed. “You don’t have to do it” 

“No, no, I want to…but…but I don’t want to” 

“If you’re not sure we can come back another time” Sirius offered, he knew James was never getting a tattoo. 

“Yeah, yeah, I just don’t feel too well” James nodded quickly. 

“Yeah sure, Prongs” 

☾☾☾

By the time the week ended, Sirius was more than drained, he was feeling waves of emotion that left him as tired as if he’d just ran a marathon. He couldn’t wait until Remus came again, and he showed him his tattoo, but it also sacred him, terrified him. What if he hated it? Was he declaration his love too openly? Would Remus feel weird? His nerves were getting the best of him, so when Remus finally arrived, Sirius stood awkwardly behind James, fidgeting with his collar. James hugged Remus and he dropped his bags, looking questioningly at Sirius, who was simply looking at the floor. 

“Hi?” Remus said trying to get Sirius to look him in the eye. His heart sped up a bit, had he done something to upset Sirius? He looked back at the last time they were together…nothing stood out. 

“Hi” Sirius waved and internally slapped himself hard in the face. Why was he being so weird? It felt like he was seeing Remus for the first time. 

“What did you do to him?” Remus glanced at James who was snickering. 

“I didn’t do anything” James said as he raised his hands. “Padfoot…you have something to show to Moony, don’t you?”

“I…yeah…well uhmm” Remus was going to hate the tattoo, and then he would end up feeling guilty for making Sirius feel bad, and everything would be a disaster. “Yeah well…I gotta go” Sirius pecked Remus on the lips, Remus leaned in wanting the kiss to last longer, he was left hanging as Sirius ran away upstairs. 

“What the actual fuck was that?” he asked James, he was dumbfounded. 

“Wish I could tell you” 

“Should I go…or?” 

“Yeah go…I’ll give you guys a minute. Good luck” James said

“Am I gonna need it?” 

“You might”

Remus was worried, to say the least, as he opened the bedroom door. Sirius was pacing around the room with his hands in his eyes, like he was embarrassed. 

“Pads?” Sirius’ eyes shut up and widened as he saw Remus. 

“Sorry about…that” 

“Aha…what exactly was that? You don’t see me for a week, don’t say hi, barely kiss me then run-away” Remus teased with a small smile.

“Yeah well…I can fix that. Hi Moony…” Sirius grabbed Remus’ neck and leaned in for another kiss, a deeper one now. Remus closed his eyes and breathed in, Sirius bit his lower lip a little, making butterflies rise on Remus’ stomach. Sirius was acting strangely today, but when he kissed him like that how could he care? Sirius’ hand where underneath his shirt, clinging to his waist. It made Remus want to go crazy. Sirius pulled away their mouths. “So…I did something” the kiss had brought a strange confidence, this was Moony he was talking to, they talked about everything. 

“Oh God, what did you do this time?” Remus smiled, but there was doubt in it. 

“It’s stupid…I don’t know, I mean, it’s just that I wanted a reminder and I could vanish it if you don’t like it but I just, it kind of means a lot to me… you mean a lot to me and so I did this thing and I don’t know if you’ll like it, but I love it” Sirius rambled, stepping over his words like the nervous teenager he was. Remus smiled at seeing how flustered Sirius was he pulled him a bit closer. 

“If you showed me what you did, it would be very nice” Remus said and Sirius extended his arm. He was wearing long sleeves, but didn’t have the courage to pull it up just yet. Remus looked at him questioningly. “Do you want me to…” Sirius nodded and looked at Remus gentle pulling his sleeve. His eyes widened as he took in a breath, he stared at the moon tattoo and the date. He traced a long finger around it, for the first time noticing the scar that sat there. He looked up at Sirius and kissed him, a hand around Sirius’ waist. 

“Do you like it?” Sirius asked, as if the smile on Remus’ face wasn’t enough. Remus kissed him again, tumbling over their feet as he drove Sirius to his bed. 

“I love it” Remus kissed Sirius’ wrist, the action feeling oddly more intimate than the other kisses they’d shared. And I love you, I love you more than anything, Remus thought. He couldn’t say it yet, could he?


End file.
